Category Archives: small humans

May 27, 2014

Shit My Family Says To Me, Round Two

By Steph

My family is hilarious, as some of you know, and my memory is nonexistent.  So I have notebooks, journals, post-it notes, and random scraps of paper all over the house with quotes from my husband and kids.  I’m sharing their funny today, because my funny is still in recovery (but well on its way back).  Thing 1 is my oldest, a 15-year-old boy, Thing 2 is the middle child, an almost-12-year-old boy, and Thing 3 is the youngest, a 5-year-old girl.  They are all a mess.  Husband is old enough that his beard is turning gray but younger than me, which is why I get to be the boss.

Thing 1, trying to use an old school calculator:

Me:  I know this is ancient technology, but….

Thing 1:  I’m not an anthropologist, mom! I also don’t know how to work a trebuchet or a Game Cube.

Husband:  He doesn’t know how to use a catapult either.

Overheard:  Thing 2 convincing his sister that he was magic and he had turned her invisible.  She was amazed, and I was just glad he was speaking to her.  A few minutes later:

Thing 2: Now, if you want to be magic like me, all you have to do is smell my feet.  Yep. Just sniff.  HAHAHAHA!  YOU’RE MAGIC!

Thing 3:  I think I got a rash. Do I? Do I got a rash?

Me: What? No. But why are you all wet? Did you spill your milk?

Thing 3: No. I been at the pool.

Me: We do not have a pool.

Thing 3: It’s my new pool. I just got it.

Me:  I’m not going in the living room. I’m afraid of what I might find.

Thing 3 refuses to eat her vegetables.  She just came up to me, as sweet as can be, and said she could not eat her dinner because it “makes her boring.”

Me:  Haha.  Eat it anyway.

Thing 3:  I really need something else to eat, so I can like you.

Dammit. She’s only 5 and she already doesn’t like me. It took the other ones a bit longer.

You know you’re raising your child right when you tell her “not right now” and she says, “Fine. Then I guess monsters will just eat your brain and face.”

Thing 2:  MOM!  MOM!  I think I’m catching the puberty!

My cousin, about 15 years ago. His dad was in the house getting ready to take him squirrel hunting. Matt just went out in the yard and caught one.

My cousin, about 15 years ago. His dad was in the house getting ready to take him squirrel hunting. Matt just went out in the yard and caught one.

Me: Listen you, I have to have those invoices from last month. Or else.

Husband: I don’t think most secretaries are this indignant.

Me:  So they won’t put me to sleep, but I guess I’ll be sedated enough that I won’t know they are putting a camera down my throat, and I won’t remember anything.

Husband:  Let me get this straight.  You’re not going to be able to tell what’s going in your mouth, and you won’t remember anything?  I’ll drive you.

Me, getting ready to take a nap: Ok, so behave and don’t answer the door and if someone calls take a message but be polite, it could be my boss or something.

Thing 2, very seriously:  Oh, I know what your boss sounds like, I’ve hung up on her before.

Me: What are you doing?

Thing 2 (from inside a box):  Now, mom, don’t just jump to conclusions.

Husband:  Well, Laura said-

Me:  Wait, wait, wait.  You call the weather lady by her first name?  What are you guys, friends?

Husband:  There’s Laura, and Drew, and-

Me:  That is so weird, please stop talking.

Thing 3, to her teacher:  My mommy is making me a little brother so I can have a prince in my game.

Husband, embarrassed:  Um, no, she’s not.

Thing 3:  I NEED A PRINCE.  If the baby turns into a girl we will give it to another family, but if it is a boy who is nice and doesn’t eat his boogers, then we’ll keep him.

Written in one of my notebooks, don’t know why:

This shit is reasonable.

Poison mice with Tylenol!  (I’m a little worried about how excited I apparently was with this idea.)

Husband:  I’m not going to ask you to do anything today that you can’t do lying down.

Thing 3:  Momma, what’s your favorite thing for Mother’s Day?
Me:  Going fishing with my kids.
Thing 3:  I don’t believe you. You always say, “Just a minute” and that is NOT spending time with your kids. What do you really want?

Thank you, child, for calling me out on my parenting skills on Mother’s Day.  Awesome.

Oh, how I love those little smartasses.

37 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans

May 15, 2014

Wild Things and Some Animals Too.

By Steph

A couple of weeks ago I agreed to go with the Pre-K on their field trip to a drive-thru safari.

I know.  I’m insane.

Anyway.  Parents weren’t allowed on the bus (thank god), so I had to drive myself.  Since it was about a two-hour trip, I told the teacher I’d have to stop and stretch a few times.  Luckily for me, it turned out to be a big craft fair weekend, so my stretches took place at little yard sales along the way.

After that, I got lost once and had to wait for a train twice, so I ended up missing the bus tour of the drive-thru part of the safari.  I made it just in time for lunch and walking around what basically amounted to a huge farm with one bathroom and about 500 kids under 5 years old.

The kids had an absolute blast, the animals seemed used to all the fuss, and I learned a few valuable lessons.

 

Pinterest

Pinterest

 

1.  If a monkey has a pacifier in its mouth, there is probably a good reason for it.  We thought this little guy was so cute…until he started pulling on his monkey penis right in front of all the little kids.  Try explaining that to a 5-year-0ld girl.  I think I said something like, “What the — oh, look, a giraffe!”

WP_20140502_037

Degenerate Monkey.

 

2.  Giraffes have the longest, prettiest eyelashes I have ever seen.  Also, they seem very dainty for something 20 feet tall.

WP_20140502_047

Also, I think she’s British. We were feeding her lettuce, but I feel like she really wanted a cup o’ tea.

 

3.  This tiny monkey is wearing a diaper (and I guess we all know why).  I think generally he gets to be held and petted, but much like the kangaroos, was not up for the horde of little people who descended that day.

 

A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.

A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.

 

*Note:  I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me.  When we went to a different zoo-like place about a month ago, I asked my husband if he noticed that a particular ape-creature had gigantic balls.  He was horrified and claimed not to have “been looking.”  I don’t know how you could have missed them.  Also, have you seen a rhinoceros up close?  Jesus Christ.

 

4.  Goats can be very judgmental.  This goat is judging me right now.

 

The fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?

What the fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?

 

All in all, it was a fun day, even if I did learn a bit too much about animal anatomy.

45 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, total chaos

April 27, 2014

Because Good Decisions Are My Specialty

By Steph

Well, the new perspective lasted for about two days.  Friday I was feeling especially useless, so of course I got into some things I shouldn’t have, and now I feel like microwaved death.

Things I Accomplished on Friday, otherwise known as Didn’t I Used to be Smarter Than This?

  • Drank 3 cups of coffee and topped it off with an extra-strength 5-hour energy drink.  I was shaking so badly that when my neighbor came over, she used an app on her phone to check my heart rate.  Also, I accused her of taking pictures of my feet without asking.  I was just a little wound up.  I’m not sure she’ll ever come back.

 

Bing Images

Bing Images

                                                                                   

  • Attempted to weed around my rose bush.  Forgot that roses have thorns.  (Of course I know that every rose has its thorn.  Just like every night has its dawn.)

 

  • Took a bath to calm down and meditate, but took a non-fiction medical textbook and highlighter with me.  Did not bathe, meditate, or relax, but did drop blue highlighter in bath water.  A blue tint is not a good look for me.

 

mysmurfvillage.com

mysmurfvillage.com

  • Cleaned off the porch and picked up the yard.  This was only stupid because I had plans Saturday and I was supposed to be taking it easy.  Husband:  I thought I specifically told you not to do that.  Me:  See what happens?

 

  • Husband called and asked me a question.  I responded with, “What day is it?”  He said, “Friday, why?”  Me: “I have no idea.   But thanks.”  From now on, I’m just going to answer all questions with “what day is it” because it confuses people while making me briefly sound as if I have a plan and/or know the answer to their question.

 

  • Told my oldest child that he could dye his hair black and build a meth lab in his room.  These people around here are always giving me a hard time, and one of the things they say is that I “stifle their creativity.”  This is usually said after I’ve vetoed the purchase of a mobile waffle wagon or asked someone to stop singing and playing guitar at 3 am.  So when he said he was going to build a lab in his room (thank you, Walter White) I said, “Well, you do need to make some money.”  I maybe should’ve just asked what day it was.  Thing 3:  You really need to work on your parenting skills.  Maybe take a class…something.

 

Since I obviously know all about making good decisions, parenting, and general success at life, this week I am going to:

  1. Attempt to finish a blog post that I’ve been putting off and off and off.  (Yes, Aussa, that one.)
  2. Write the 17 articles that I should have started working on last week.
  3.  Attend one parent teacher conference.
  4.  Try to survive a field trip to a drive-through safari with approximately 20 children under five years old.

I also intend to:

  1. Shower at least three times twice.  (No need to go overboard here.)
  2. Wear clothes that match when I leave the house.
  3. Pet my cat and hopefully a kangaroo.
  4. Drink more water and zero energy drinks.
  5. Sit on my porch.
  6. Color.

I’m all about attainable goals these days and, I hate to brag, but I’m pretty sure I can do at least 3 of those things.

 

 

 

37 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Blogging, Just Being Awesome, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos

April 21, 2014

Deep Thoughts, Brought to You by the Easter Bunny

By Steph

Have you ever heard of Behavioral Therapy?  Well, in a nutshell, it’s supposed to teach you to think happier so you will be happier.

However, I am an asshole, and as such, I usually think not-nice comments in my head when people suggest that I should “think happy thoughts.”

But.

source: sodahead.com

source: sodahead.com

I just had something of a breakthrough here, sitting on my couch in my second day of the same pajamas, eating leftover Easter candy, and hurting so badly that I curse at myself when the phone rings or I have to pee because then I have to hobble around and that hurts even worse than typing, which is really quite painful since my hands, wrists, elbows, and shoulders are all screaming.

Makes me wonder why I’ve spent so much money on therapy, if I can just come up with this shit on my own and not have to shower or drive.  Anyway, I presume you are on the edge of your seat?  Dying to know what I’ve discovered?

Okay, okay, calm down.

I was sitting here, as mentioned above, and I was feeling really, really shitty about not getting anything accomplished today.  By that I mean I’ve done a load of laundry and made a couple business calls and that’s it.  Oh, and I closed the dishwasher so the kitchen would look cleaner.

So I was basically giving myself a silent talking to and just, you know, berating myself because I’m not able to do all the things that I could do before.  I was thinking about all the time that is just gone, disappeared, because of the chronic migraines.  All the time that I will never get back, spent recovering from an allergic reaction or a migraine or from a trip to the store.  And I was thinking about all the time lost, spent just staring at the wall because I was so depressed that doing anything but that was just impossible.  And about all the time I’ve wasted crying, and how feeling so bad today (physically) makes me want to cry more because it makes me feel worthless and like a failure when I’m not able, either physically or mentally, to do what I’ve decided needs to be done.

Then today I thought, hey, at least I’m not in bed with a migraine.  If I had a migraine right now, or an allergic reaction, I’d be throwing up and maybe even have to go to the emergency room.  I wouldn’t be able to talk to the kids when they get home, or see my husband, or write anything, or watch t.v. or anything except throw up, try to breathe, hold my head, and cry.

So, really, today is not so bad.  I mean, I’m still in a lot of pain and I’m not going to get any housework done, make dinner, or do anything that means I have to get out of this heated chair, but…at least I’m able to be in this heated chair.  My kids can come snuggle me here and their voices won’t make my head explode.  I’m writing this, and although it’s no masterpiece, I’m pretty sure I’m making sentences, which is more than I’m capable of some days.

So that was my breakthrough.  On days like today when I’m feeling bad and feeling guilty for feeling bad and for what I’m not doing, maybe I should instead think about what I can do.

This is weird and I kind of feel like smacking myself.  I think I just gave myself permission to relax.  Or, maybe I’m high on sugar and chocolate.  I don’t know, and I don’t know how long this strange phenomenon is going to last, but I am glad it’s here for now.

33 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, small humans, stuff I made up, thoughts, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

April 9, 2014

5 Things I Should Stop Saying, According to My Children

By Steph

My kids are super smart and funny.  This is generally an asset, because it makes it easier to get a babysitter.  But when they turn their wits against me…well, sometimes it gets ugly.  According to Them, I say some things in the heat of the moment that are not Kid Approved.

Please note:  I am not going to stop saying these things, because these kids are not the boss of me.

1.  You’re not the boss of me.  (They aren’t.)

2.  Whack, as in, “Yo, dude, that’s whack!” (With hand motions.)

3.  Laying the mack down.  (Apparently this isn’t even a thing?  They claim I’ve confused my hammer pants with my wrestlers.)

(Okay, so they might have a point on this one.)

 

4.  Groovy, right on, and what what!  (This is called positive reinforcement.  I’m boosting their ungrateful little egos.  I don’t see a problem here.)

5.  Your mom!  (Because I’m their mom.) (I guess.)

your mom

 

I have also compiled a list of things I’m going to start saying because that’s just how I roll.  (What what!)

1.  You better check yo self before you wreck yo self!

2.  Bombdiggity.  (I don’t even know what this means, I’m just going to insert it randomly into conversations and see what happens.)

3.  Stop judging me!  I gave you life!

4.  Fo shizzle.

5.  No, you can’t have any money.  (This one is my favorite.)

 

Of course, I also have to include a list of things I have actually said to or about my kids in the past.  If you’ve ever tried to raise wild goats or feral pigs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Source: Pinterest

Source: Pinterest

1.  Did you eat poop?!?  Tell me!  OH MY GOD, I THINK SHE ATE POOP!

2.  Stop hitting your brother with that hot dog!  No, don’t eat–okay, eat it.

3.  Don’t forget to comb your teeth and brush your hands!

4.  This is a blanket and it is warm.  No, it’s not the unicorn blanket.  No.  It doesn’t matter.  This one is purple.  *stomping down hallway in the middle of the night, grumble-cursing-whispering goddamn unicorn fucking blanket anyway*  Here!  Unicorn blanket.  Now we sleep, okay?

5.  You need to get your priorities straight. (How did this happen?  Am I…responsible?  *shudders*)

 

48 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, total chaos