Ticks are dicks. Seriously.
Commonly known as the Vampire Asshat of the insect world, ticks feed off the blood of their innocent victims. If you are not lucky enough to live in an environment where ticks, chiggers, snakes, and other horrible slithery-crawly things abound, let me give you a visual.
Actual size may vary. Generally the size of a freckle, not a baseball as depicted above.
This guy is the neighbor who comes over uninvited, unannounced, irritates your pets, and makes you uncomfortable and twitchy. This little creep latches on and sucks your blood. Hello? How is that not a vampire? It is. Just because it doesn’t sparkle is no reason to write off this tiny killer.
bitched written about my allergy to meat before. Well, this is the little bastard that caused the allergy:
The Lone Star Tick. The cruelest and most evil insect of them all. The one that turns you…VEGAN. *gasp* *pause for shock and awe* *nods head wisely but with visible sadness.* *looks stoic and perhaps a bit romantic*
Right?! This shit is just effing ridiculous. (That may be the first time I’ve ever typed effing. It doesn’t feel right.)
But I digress. Here are the facts about this bitch ass tick who stole my steak:
1. Little motherfuckers are found everywhere. It is all over the US and in Australia and other countries where ticks are known to live. My yard is a popular gathering place for ticks. I believe it may be the Cabo of creepy things I’d rather live without.
2. Everyone who gets bit by a Lone Star tick is not gong to get this allergy. And it comes in different levels, kind of. Because I have always been an overachiever, I am not fucking around with this allergy. If I have to be allergic to mammals, I’m taking that shit all the way. Ye-ah, I will WIN at allergies. Yep.
3. The allergy is Alpha-Gal IgE — it’s a reaction to a sugar-protein called Galactose-alpha-1,3-galactose. Some people have struggled with it for over 20 years, but research has only been done on this allergy for about the last 5 years. (Basically, no one knows shit yet, except keep Benadryl and an Epi-Pen handy so you won’t die.) Alpha-Gal.org has what little information there is on this allergy.
4. The AG allergy made me allergic to anything that comes from a mammal, including milk and animal byproducts which are in EVERYTHING. Yes, I am aware of how insane that sounds. No, I am not making it up.
5. Basically at this point the only things I can eat safely are fresh fruits and vegetables, along with chicken, turkey, and fish. (I hate fish.) (It’s growing on me.)
So, all this from a fucking tick? The researchers think so. Not many doctors even know about this yet, so it was hard to get the diagnosis until my blood tests came back positive for beef and pork allergies.
My doctor looked me square in the face after I described an allergic reaction with trouble breathing (anaphylaxis) and asked me if I knew that sometimes a “hard poop can make you break a sweat and feel like something is wrong.”
Oh no he didn’t. (Yes, he actually did. Fucker.) I guess at 34 I know the difference between taking a shit and not being able to breathe.
Some days I handle it better than others. Some doctors say it will go away in time (my allergist said possibly 5 to 7 years without any new bites) but some say it won’t. I just got three new bites this weekend, while wearing bug spray and walking in a yard that had been treated for ticks.
And, I just realized, like right this second, that humans are mammals too so there goes any chance of survival if I were ever in some sort of situation where I had to eat a person to live. Fuck.
Do you have any weird allergies? Has your doctor ever treated you like you were a fucking five-year-old? Do you think you could handle a diet like mine, or are you already a super healthy eater without being forced into it? What are your thoughts on cannibalism? (J/K, please don’t eat anybody.)