My family is hilarious, as some of you know, and my memory is nonexistent. So I have notebooks, journals, post-it notes, and random scraps of paper all over the house with quotes from my husband and kids. I’m sharing their funny today, because my funny is still in recovery (but well on its way back). Thing 1 is my oldest, a 15-year-old boy, Thing 2 is the middle child, an almost-12-year-old boy, and Thing 3 is the youngest, a 5-year-old girl. They are all a mess. Husband is old enough that his beard is turning gray but younger than me, which is why I get to be the boss.
Thing 1, trying to use an old school calculator:
Me: I know this is ancient technology, but….
Thing 1: I’m not an anthropologist, mom! I also don’t know how to work a trebuchet or a Game Cube.
Husband: He doesn’t know how to use a catapult either.
Overheard: Thing 2 convincing his sister that he was magic and he had turned her invisible. She was amazed, and I was just glad he was speaking to her. A few minutes later:
Thing 2: Now, if you want to be magic like me, all you have to do is smell my feet. Yep. Just sniff. HAHAHAHA! YOU’RE MAGIC!
Thing 3: I think I got a rash. Do I? Do I got a rash?
Me: What? No. But why are you all wet? Did you spill your milk?
Thing 3: No. I been at the pool.
Me: We do not have a pool.
Thing 3: It’s my new pool. I just got it.
Me: I’m not going in the living room. I’m afraid of what I might find.
Thing 3 refuses to eat her vegetables. She just came up to me, as sweet as can be, and said she could not eat her dinner because it “makes her boring.”
Me: Haha. Eat it anyway.
Thing 3: I really need something else to eat, so I can like you.
Dammit. She’s only 5 and she already doesn’t like me. It took the other ones a bit longer.
You know you’re raising your child right when you tell her “not right now” and she says, “Fine. Then I guess monsters will just eat your brain and face.”
Thing 2: MOM! MOM! I think I’m catching the puberty!
My cousin, about 15 years ago. His dad was in the house getting ready to take him squirrel hunting. Matt just went out in the yard and caught one.
Me: Listen you, I have to have those invoices from last month. Or else.
Husband: I don’t think most secretaries are this indignant.
Me: So they won’t put me to sleep, but I guess I’ll be sedated enough that I won’t know they are putting a camera down my throat, and I won’t remember anything.
Husband: Let me get this straight. You’re not going to be able to tell what’s going in your mouth, and you won’t remember anything? I’ll drive you.
Me, getting ready to take a nap: Ok, so behave and don’t answer the door and if someone calls take a message but be polite, it could be my boss or something.
Thing 2, very seriously: Oh, I know what your boss sounds like, I’ve hung up on her before.
Me: What are you doing?
Thing 2 (from inside a box): Now, mom, don’t just jump to conclusions.
Husband: Well, Laura said-
Me: Wait, wait, wait. You call the weather lady by her first name? What are you guys, friends?
Husband: There’s Laura, and Drew, and-
Me: That is so weird, please stop talking.
Thing 3, to her teacher: My mommy is making me a little brother so I can have a prince in my game.
Husband, embarrassed: Um, no, she’s not.
Thing 3: I NEED A PRINCE. If the baby turns into a girl we will give it to another family, but if it is a boy who is nice and doesn’t eat his boogers, then we’ll keep him.
Written in one of my notebooks, don’t know why:
This shit is reasonable.
Poison mice with Tylenol! (I’m a little worried about how excited I apparently was with this idea.)
Husband: I’m not going to ask you to do anything today that you can’t do lying down.
Thing 3: Momma, what’s your favorite thing for Mother’s Day?
Me: Going fishing with my kids.
Thing 3: I don’t believe you. You always say, “Just a minute” and that is NOT spending time with your kids. What do you really want?
Thank you, child, for calling me out on my parenting skills on Mother’s Day. Awesome.
Oh, how I love those little smartasses.
We Don't Chew Glass 
May 27th, 2014 at 9:49 am
Oh sweet jeezus! That was AWESOME! I thought it was just our family that’s bat shit crazy, but apparently not. 😀
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:01 am
Oh no, there’s a lot of that going around. We’re just super lucky that the whole family has it. 😉
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:03 am
It’s good to be surrounded by people who understand. 🙂
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:07 am
LOL! Right?
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:00 am
This is the best thing I’ve read so far today and I’m at work, so I’ve read quite a bit of other stuff. Not much of it was work-related but that’s beside the point.
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:07 am
Haha! Thank you! They are great, aren’t they?
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:08 am
You are so smart to keep notes – especially since your family is so quote worthy – you need a vaudeville family act Pronto!
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May 27th, 2014 at 10:12 am
Oh, God, I know. I almost posted a video of the kids being crazy. but I thought they might never speak to me again. On second thought…
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:06 am
These are great!
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:28 am
Smartasses for the win!
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:29 am
I’m quite the smart ass myself…
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:31 am
Lol. Yeah, I’ve noticed.
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:39 am
Woohoo!!
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:38 am
I can’t even decide which I love the most. Holy hell, these are freaking hilarious.
Eating vegetables makes her boring. HAHAHAHAHHAHA
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May 27th, 2014 at 11:41 am
They kill me, they really do. My fave is still the one from the last SMFS, where she “didn’t stick anything in it” referring to the cat’s asshole.
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May 27th, 2014 at 12:12 pm
I think it is wonderful that you keep notes on things your kids say. I remember that my son was HILARIOUS — but like an idiot I never wrote down anything he said and now he just has to take my word for it. Unfortunately, my mind is going, so I can’t even give him a “for example” when he asks. Sigh.
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May 27th, 2014 at 1:36 pm
Oh, my kids take advantage of my poor memory ALL the time. “Mom, you didn’t give me lunch money.” Likely story.
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May 27th, 2014 at 1:18 pm
Hahahaha, these are priceless!
I’m totally going with Thing 3’s logic when I’m trying to decide between a burger or salad.
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May 27th, 2014 at 1:38 pm
Right? Lol. You wouldn’t want to be boring.
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May 27th, 2014 at 1:24 pm
I will be laughing all day now. These are so funny and I love the squirrel photo!
One of my favorites from my own house after a conversation about lifestyle is:
Dad: Well then you’d better marry rich.
Daughter: Who’s Rich?
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May 27th, 2014 at 1:39 pm
Haha — who’s Rich? Isn’t that photo the greatest? I just love it. He’s so cute and the fact that he went hunting and caught a live squirrel in his hands– unbelievable!
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May 27th, 2014 at 4:02 pm
Yay for smartass kids…it warms me up like a tater tot.
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May 27th, 2014 at 5:01 pm
LOL! Like a tater tot, huh?
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May 28th, 2014 at 6:07 am
I don’t even remember typing that, I must have been hungry, lol.
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May 28th, 2014 at 6:32 am
Hahahaha! I’m going to have to start saying that. I like tater tots.
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May 27th, 2014 at 4:38 pm
I want a boy who is nice and doesn’t eat his boogers, too!
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May 27th, 2014 at 5:02 pm
Don’t we all!
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May 28th, 2014 at 4:50 am
These were the best and had me in tears!
——–
“Me: So they won’t put me to sleep, but I guess I’ll be sedated enough that I won’t know they are putting a camera down my throat, and I won’t remember anything.
Husband: Let me get this straight. You’re not going to be able to tell what’s going in your mouth, and you won’t remember anything? I’ll drive you.
Me, getting ready to take a nap: Ok, so behave and don’t answer the door and if someone calls take a message but be polite, it could be my boss or something.
Thing 2, very seriously: Oh, I know what your boss sounds like, I’ve hung up on her before.”
———-
And don’t you love the random shit you write down that you think is phenomenal, so much so, that you don’t explain why so when you come back to it, you have no freaking clue why yiu thought it was awesome? Yeah, me too. 😉
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May 28th, 2014 at 6:32 am
Ha! That damn husband. Lol. My mom is driving me! And that kid, I swear to God, he is something else.
I know! I found another one last night and it said “I appreciate that.” And then underneath that in bold and underlined “sociopath!” What the ever loving fuck? 😉
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May 28th, 2014 at 7:28 pm
Ha! You can poison mice with Tylenol? Who knew! The catapult comment also had me cracking up!
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May 28th, 2014 at 7:46 pm
I have no idea. I have to assume that this was somehow related to the snake infestation we had. That boy is hilarious, I’m telling you what. Thanks for stopping by!
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May 29th, 2014 at 11:39 am
I can’t stop laughing! You should be in my Funny Quotes and Sayings Only a Mother Could Love book, TBA! I have over a dozen bloggers who are going to be in the book!
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May 29th, 2014 at 5:22 pm
Lisa, you made my day! I had to have an EGD this morning and when I woke up, this was what I saw! I’m working on a submission for the Adventures in Potty Training, and I would LOVE to be in any other book you are working on. What an amazing compliment!
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May 29th, 2014 at 12:04 pm
I love that your kid defaults to “trebuchet” before “catapult.” Lord of the Rings fan?
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May 29th, 2014 at 5:23 pm
Lol, I know. He is so, so smart — like, highest grade in Honors Biology and Honors Geometry this semester smart — and he wants to be a comedian or an actor! Of course.
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June 3rd, 2014 at 9:08 pm
Bwahaha. This is fricken hilarious! I keep reading posts like these and thinking I need to pay more attention to the shit my husband and I say.
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June 3rd, 2014 at 9:14 pm
Yes! You do! I’m sure you’re both hilarious. And it’s so fun to go back and see the stuff you’ve said. Some of it you may not even know why!
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