Have you ever heard of Behavioral Therapy? Well, in a nutshell, it’s supposed to teach you to think happier so you will be happier.
However, I am an asshole, and as such, I usually think not-nice comments in my head when people suggest that I should “think happy thoughts.”
I just had something of a breakthrough here, sitting on my couch in my second day of the same pajamas, eating leftover Easter candy, and hurting so badly that I curse at myself when the phone rings or I have to pee because then I have to hobble around and that hurts even worse than typing, which is really quite painful since my hands, wrists, elbows, and shoulders are all screaming.
Makes me wonder why I’ve spent so much money on therapy, if I can just come up with this shit on my own and not have to shower or drive. Anyway, I presume you are on the edge of your seat? Dying to know what I’ve discovered?
Okay, okay, calm down.
I was sitting here, as mentioned above, and I was feeling really, really shitty about not getting anything accomplished today. By that I mean I’ve done a load of laundry and made a couple business calls and that’s it. Oh, and I closed the dishwasher so the kitchen would look cleaner.
So I was basically giving myself a silent talking to and just, you know, berating myself because I’m not able to do all the things that I could do before. I was thinking about all the time that is just gone, disappeared, because of the chronic migraines. All the time that I will never get back, spent recovering from an allergic reaction or a migraine or from a trip to the store. And I was thinking about all the time lost, spent just staring at the wall because I was so depressed that doing anything but that was just impossible. And about all the time I’ve wasted crying, and how feeling so bad today (physically) makes me want to cry more because it makes me feel worthless and like a failure when I’m not able, either physically or mentally, to do what I’ve decided needs to be done.
Then today I thought, hey, at least I’m not in bed with a migraine. If I had a migraine right now, or an allergic reaction, I’d be throwing up and maybe even have to go to the emergency room. I wouldn’t be able to talk to the kids when they get home, or see my husband, or write anything, or watch t.v. or anything except throw up, try to breathe, hold my head, and cry.
So, really, today is not so bad. I mean, I’m still in a lot of pain and I’m not going to get any housework done, make dinner, or do anything that means I have to get out of this heated chair, but…at least I’m able to be in this heated chair. My kids can come snuggle me here and their voices won’t make my head explode. I’m writing this, and although it’s no masterpiece, I’m pretty sure I’m making sentences, which is more than I’m capable of some days.
So that was my breakthrough. On days like today when I’m feeling bad and feeling guilty for feeling bad and for what I’m not doing, maybe I should instead think about what I can do.
This is weird and I kind of feel like smacking myself. I think I just gave myself permission to relax. Or, maybe I’m high on sugar and chocolate. I don’t know, and I don’t know how long this strange phenomenon is going to last, but I am glad it’s here for now.