Have you ever heard of Behavioral Therapy? Well, in a nutshell, it’s supposed to teach you to think happier so you will be happier.
However, I am an asshole, and as such, I usually think not-nice comments in my head when people suggest that I should “think happy thoughts.”
I just had something of a breakthrough here, sitting on my couch in my second day of the same pajamas, eating leftover Easter candy, and hurting so badly that I curse at myself when the phone rings or I have to pee because then I have to hobble around and that hurts even worse than typing, which is really quite painful since my hands, wrists, elbows, and shoulders are all screaming.
Makes me wonder why I’ve spent so much money on therapy, if I can just come up with this shit on my own and not have to shower or drive. Anyway, I presume you are on the edge of your seat? Dying to know what I’ve discovered?
Okay, okay, calm down.
I was sitting here, as mentioned above, and I was feeling really, really shitty about not getting anything accomplished today. By that I mean I’ve done a load of laundry and made a couple business calls and that’s it. Oh, and I closed the dishwasher so the kitchen would look cleaner.
So I was basically giving myself a silent talking to and just, you know, berating myself because I’m not able to do all the things that I could do before. I was thinking about all the time that is just gone, disappeared, because of the chronic migraines. All the time that I will never get back, spent recovering from an allergic reaction or a migraine or from a trip to the store. And I was thinking about all the time lost, spent just staring at the wall because I was so depressed that doing anything but that was just impossible. And about all the time I’ve wasted crying, and how feeling so bad today (physically) makes me want to cry more because it makes me feel worthless and like a failure when I’m not able, either physically or mentally, to do what I’ve decided needs to be done.
Then today I thought, hey, at least I’m not in bed with a migraine. If I had a migraine right now, or an allergic reaction, I’d be throwing up and maybe even have to go to the emergency room. I wouldn’t be able to talk to the kids when they get home, or see my husband, or write anything, or watch t.v. or anything except throw up, try to breathe, hold my head, and cry.
So, really, today is not so bad. I mean, I’m still in a lot of pain and I’m not going to get any housework done, make dinner, or do anything that means I have to get out of this heated chair, but…at least I’m able to be in this heated chair. My kids can come snuggle me here and their voices won’t make my head explode. I’m writing this, and although it’s no masterpiece, I’m pretty sure I’m making sentences, which is more than I’m capable of some days.
So that was my breakthrough. On days like today when I’m feeling bad and feeling guilty for feeling bad and for what I’m not doing, maybe I should instead think about what I can do.
This is weird and I kind of feel like smacking myself. I think I just gave myself permission to relax. Or, maybe I’m high on sugar and chocolate. I don’t know, and I don’t know how long this strange phenomenon is going to last, but I am glad it’s here for now.
April 21st, 2014 at 4:36 pm
This made me feel good to read it.
Not the ‘you’re in pain part’ I hate to read that…but it’s nice to read that you had a breakthrough and that you’re being kind to yourself.
I also covet your easter candy. I don’t buy it anymore because even my youngest is too old for an easter basket and he’s cutting down on the sugary stuff..
April 21st, 2014 at 4:47 pm
Thanks. I wish you were here, I’d give you half of the candy so I wouldn’t eat it all!!! 🙂
April 21st, 2014 at 4:47 pm
I am so glad to read this! I have done a lot of work on negative self talk over the past year too. One thing that helps me is to imagine that I am a stranger. I know that might sound kind of sad, but I think things about myself that I wouldn’t think about someone I hated! So, if I pretend I am a stranger, or even a friend, I am much kinder and more compassionate. Good luck to you!
April 21st, 2014 at 5:30 pm
Oh, that’s a brilliant idea. I seriously judge myself harder than I would ever think about judging someone else. I’m trying really hard to be nicer to myself, but it’s hard for me to not feel like I’m a slacker. My anal, perfectionist tendencies clash mightily with my whiny, but I don’t feeeeeel good reality, lol. It helps to know that someone else is fighting the same battle, so thank you, you sweetheart!
April 23rd, 2014 at 10:51 am
OMG Maurnas, I do that too! For the exact same reason. (btw, is your name Maura S. or Maurnas? I’ve always wanted to clear that up). ANYway, I am downright cruel to myself in ways it would never even occur to me to think of another person, so I had an epiphany once that every time I start to shred myself for one reason or another, I would look at myself as if I were a stranger….and my entire outlook transforms to a positive one. Amazing.
April 21st, 2014 at 5:25 pm
Don’t ever let anybody tell you getting high on sugar and chocolate isn’t doing something. It’s the little things that matter….
I’m glad you’re getting a respite from at least some of the pain. Hope it stays away for quite a while to come.
April 21st, 2014 at 5:31 pm
Hahaha! Right?! I have been very busy today cleaning up the Easter mess by way of my stomach! Seriously lol’d, thank you!
April 21st, 2014 at 7:15 pm
Forgive my ignorance, but why are you in so much pain?
April 21st, 2014 at 8:43 pm
No forgiveness needed. Pretty much every part of my body hates me. Fibromyalgia, probable rheumatoid arthritis as yet undiagnosed, chronic headaches/migraines, Alpha-Gal allergic-to-everything-in-the-damn-world allergy, and I get to have a camera down my throat here soon and then hopefully I will have a name for my stomach pain. Maurnas and I were discussing robotic bodies earlier and I’m totally down with that.
April 22nd, 2014 at 6:33 am
Oh wow. I had no idea. Robotic bodies sounds great compared to all that.
April 22nd, 2014 at 6:45 am
I have talked about it more on this blog than I ever have ever. I would guess that 90% of my FB friends whom I know in “real life” only know about the tick bite allergy. Now I’m thinking that I wouldn’t get snuggles from my babies if I had a robot body. I guess I’ll wait on that, cause cuddles from that blue-eyed princess? No way I could give that up, or the hugs from my boys who are too grownup to snuggle with their mother.
April 22nd, 2014 at 7:01 am
I’ve only been following a short while. I’m sorry.
April 22nd, 2014 at 7:18 am
LOL! No worries, I think I’ve only mentioned it maybe 2 or 3 times ever!
April 22nd, 2014 at 7:21 am
Well, I’m sorry for all the stuff you’re suffering. I don’t know what else to say. I feel awkward and stupid now…lol.
April 22nd, 2014 at 7:59 am
Eek! I certainly didn’t mean to do that! I appreciate your sympathy. Now go write some smartassery and maybe you’ll feel better. 😉
April 22nd, 2014 at 8:02 am
Hahaha! Perhaps a BLC post shall be written today…
April 22nd, 2014 at 12:01 am
I gave up on being mean to myself a long time ago and it was the best decision ever. Everyone once in a blue moon, I get upset I haven’t done something I meant to, but mostly, anyone who is disappointed in me can just suck it, because their bad feeling of being disappointed doesn’t come close to matching the pain that is causing me to disappoint them.
It probably does help that I don’t have kids or a job, and very few responsibilities in the grand scheme of things, but I tend to invent things to do that I often just can’t do.
April 22nd, 2014 at 6:24 am
I’m glad you figured out a way to stop doing it! The past two years or so I’ve acquired new issues and old ones have gotten worse, and I’m just really struggling with coming to terms with it. I am not working full time anymore, since about a month ago. I started freelance writing part time, so that helps, but me being me, now I feel like I should be doing more around the house and for the kids/husband since I’m not working full-time. *facepalm* I really appreciate you commenting — note to self “anyone who is disappointed in me can just suck it.” LOL!
April 22nd, 2014 at 3:55 am
Steph!! I love you a little bit more. I loved reading this. I knew we had similar issues but had no idea yiu were suffering. You know how much I can relate and those moments where you berate yourself harder than any could ever do, are the worst. But you’re so right, focus on what is possible. Btw, I’ve found an awesome all natural supplement that has helped huge with my migraines. I actually got to come off the preventative shit and just take those now. Let me know if you want the info. You can even order them cheaper on amazon. No getting out of that heated chair needed. 🙂 gentle hugs and I’m always around if you need to vent.
April 22nd, 2014 at 6:30 am
Oh, Deanna, thank you! I’m so glad to know you! ❤ I am not kidding myself that I will be able to think of the positive everyday…and I mean, of course I've thought, you know, it's not cancer, I'm not going to die, but I've never put it in perspective of just my own "worst" days, if that makes sense. Message me on FB the supplement info? I'm not taking the preventatives cause I'm allergic to everything in the damn world, also allergic to the Imitrex type shit, so maybe this will help. *hugs*
April 22nd, 2014 at 5:03 am
I know exactly how you feel, the whole useless thing…but you are so right, even the fact that we are awake and alert is better than spending an entire day in bed. 🙂
April 22nd, 2014 at 6:34 am
Merry, I hate that you know, but I’m glad that you know, you know? Lol. Yes, it is better. Although, my smartass son just informed me that he told me something last night (no recollection of this) and they know I can’t remember shit, so they use it against me! Either he’s super tricky (highly likely) or I was not as alert as I thought (also highly likely).
April 22nd, 2014 at 10:33 pm
I’m sorry you’re in pain But I love the epiphany. It’s very true. Ah, perspective… a fickle biatch of a muse, but almost always honest.
April 23rd, 2014 at 8:25 am
Lol! So true. So far my perspective has lasted, but I can *totally* see myself rereading this in a month or a week and being all, “Oh, fuck you Stephanie, you and your epiphanies.” Fickle, indeed.
April 23rd, 2014 at 10:56 am
UGH I’m SO sorry you’re in pain, sweet lady. Also – I have immediate empathy for anyone who suffers from migraines! THE WORST.
Let me tell you, here in this post you have completely outlined my whole way of thinking. “It could be worse” or “even so, I’m still grateful because…” way of thinking. That there is my jam. I think I got it from my dad. He always thinks like that. He can be in a horrible situation and still find silver linings, so it taught me very young how powerful this way of thinking is.
I hope you feel better soon *HUGS* and thanks for funny and important post. 🙂
April 23rd, 2014 at 1:01 pm
Thank you Beth! “funny and important” holy cow, lol. I am feeling better today, and I’m trying to be nicer to me!
April 23rd, 2014 at 2:36 pm
When I feel inadequate because I accomplished nothing in a day, I’ll make a checklist of ridiculously easy stuff I’ve either done or are about to do.
Eat breakfast. Check.
April 23rd, 2014 at 3:31 pm
I do that too! How funny. I’m totally a list maker, and sometimes the only things I get to mark off are make coffee, don’t die, check email. I’m so glad I’m not the only one!
April 23rd, 2014 at 3:47 pm
Freaking brilliant. Love your writing style.
April 23rd, 2014 at 3:48 pm
Not the pain part the writing part is brilliant:)
April 23rd, 2014 at 3:52 pm
Ha! Thanks Laurie!
April 27th, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Some days, it’s all you can do to get out of bed. I’m also a list maker, because if I can mark one damn thing off the list (no matter how small), I know that I’ve made some progress. Today is a perfect example — it’s past 4pm and I’m still in my jammies. I’ve done nothing today but sit on the couch — catching up on blogs and finally doing some writing. If I can wash my bed sheets, I’ll consider this day to be a win!
April 27th, 2014 at 6:04 pm
Wash your sheets! But Jana, then you’ll have to make your bed! I’ve been fairly active this afternoon because there is a weird smell somewhere in my house and it is driving me nuts!