Ode to that most frustrating creature, the teenager who would rather freeze his bits off than wear a goddamn coat.
Freezing off their derriers.
Wear a fucking coat
It’s wintertime you dolt.
They are impervious to the cold
Until they get so old
Hoodies are not jackets
I’ve tried every kind of racket.
They don’t even care
As long as they have good hair
They don’t give a shit
About being frost bit.
This mom is wearing layers
But her boys are being players
Put on a fucking coat!
You are not a fluffy mountain goat.
You are a boy who this mom loves
And she worries because you won’t wear gloves
So please for the love of God
Put a fucking jacket on.
Well, the new perspective lasted for about two days. Friday I was feeling especially useless, so of course I got into some things I shouldn’t have, and now I feel like microwaved death.
Things I Accomplished on Friday, otherwise known as Didn’t I Used to be Smarter Than This?
- Drank 3 cups of coffee and topped it off with an extra-strength 5-hour energy drink. I was shaking so badly that when my neighbor came over, she used an app on her phone to check my heart rate. Also, I accused her of taking pictures of my feet without asking. I was just a little wound up. I’m not sure she’ll ever come back.
- Attempted to weed around my rose bush. Forgot that roses have thorns. (Of course I know that every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn.)
- Took a bath to calm down and meditate, but took a non-fiction medical textbook and highlighter with me. Did not bathe, meditate, or relax, but did drop blue highlighter in bath water. A blue tint is not a good look for me.
- Cleaned off the porch and picked up the yard. This was only stupid because I had plans Saturday and I was supposed to be taking it easy. Husband: I thought I specifically told you not to do that. Me: See what happens?
- Husband called and asked me a question. I responded with, “What day is it?” He said, “Friday, why?” Me: “I have no idea. But thanks.” From now on, I’m just going to answer all questions with “what day is it” because it confuses people while making me briefly sound as if I have a plan and/or know the answer to their question.
- Told my oldest child that he could dye his hair black and build a meth lab in his room. These people around here are always giving me a hard time, and one of the things they say is that I “stifle their creativity.” This is usually said after I’ve vetoed the purchase of a mobile waffle wagon or asked someone to stop singing and playing guitar at 3 am. So when he said he was going to build a lab in his room (thank you, Walter White) I said, “Well, you do need to make some money.” I maybe should’ve just asked what day it was. Thing 3: You really need to work on your parenting skills. Maybe take a class…something.
Since I obviously know all about making good decisions, parenting, and general success at life, this week I am going to:
- Attempt to finish a blog post that I’ve been putting off and off and off. (Yes, Aussa, that one.)
- Write the 17 articles that I should have started working on last week.
- Attend one parent teacher conference.
- Try to survive a field trip to a drive-through safari with approximately 20 children under five years old.
I also intend to:
- Shower at least
three times twice. (No need to go overboard here.)
- Wear clothes that match when I leave the house.
- Pet my cat and hopefully a kangaroo.
- Drink more water and zero energy drinks.
- Sit on my porch.
I’m all about attainable goals these days and, I hate to brag, but I’m pretty sure I can do at least 3 of those things.