Tag Archives: animals

5 Reasons Nature Hates Me

I will fuck you up.

I will fuck you up.

I’ve always had weird experiences with animals, probably because when I was a child I caused the inadvertent death of 5 baby mice.

We found them in a nest in one of my mom’s sweaters. I took great pains to place them gently into a matchbox filled with Easter grass. I spoke to them softly and I made them as comfortable as I could. Then I walked outside and very respectfully buried them alive.

What the ever loving fuck? I know. I don’t get it either. It wasn’t until much later that my mother casually pointed out that I was a killer. The entire time I thought of myself as this noble, kind little girl, giving the poor, motherless mice a dignified funeral. It would’ve been perfect, had the little fuckers been dead first.

I’ve never actually thought about the source of the enmity between me and the natural world. But now that I look back, it’s clear that I brought this upon myself.

Shit. I just remembered that I may have caused the drowning death of two hamsters. Fuck. No wonder my adult life has been plagued with snakes and goats.

Moving on.

I don’t think I accidentally injured, maimed, or outright killed any other pets until I was an adult.

Hold on, I need to go make sure my pets/children have food. And water. And air. Jesus.

You know, I started writing this to hopefully amuse some of you. Little did I know that I was going to delve into my past and learn that statistically I should probably be a serial killer. Let’s all take a moment to be thankful that I’ve always lacked ambition.

Okay, so there was the Year of the Goat. I’m not sure if this kind of goat-mayhem goes on in everyone’s life and they just don’t talk about it…or maybe it’s just me. Then there was the snake infestation which, by the way, is still ongoing. In light of my earlier revelations concerning my predilection for accidental murder, I think it’s safe to say that these snakes have been sent to destroy me.

Fuck.

I killed a bird too.

But really, it was the bird’s fault. I didn’t have my windows down on purpose so the little feathered fuck could fly in and smack against the back glass. I also had no idea what was happening as I drove down the road and suddenly my entire car was full of feathers. I don’t think this one is on me. The fact that I stopped at Sonic and gently removed the bird from my car with a pair of drumsticks ought to clear my name, I think. Maybe that bird woke up later and ordered some fries. Or maybe it was already dead and the people at Sonic still talk about the girl driving around with musical instruments and dead animals. Who knows.

Do you know anyone this lacking in common sense? Am I the only one Mother Nature has put a hit out on?

 


Wild Things and Some Animals Too.

A couple of weeks ago I agreed to go with the Pre-K on their field trip to a drive-thru safari.

I know.  I’m insane.

Anyway.  Parents weren’t allowed on the bus (thank god), so I had to drive myself.  Since it was about a two-hour trip, I told the teacher I’d have to stop and stretch a few times.  Luckily for me, it turned out to be a big craft fair weekend, so my stretches took place at little yard sales along the way.

After that, I got lost once and had to wait for a train twice, so I ended up missing the bus tour of the drive-thru part of the safari.  I made it just in time for lunch and walking around what basically amounted to a huge farm with one bathroom and about 500 kids under 5 years old.

The kids had an absolute blast, the animals seemed used to all the fuss, and I learned a few valuable lessons.

 

Pinterest

Pinterest

 

1.  If a monkey has a pacifier in its mouth, there is probably a good reason for it.  We thought this little guy was so cute…until he started pulling on his monkey penis right in front of all the little kids.  Try explaining that to a 5-year-0ld girl.  I think I said something like, “What the — oh, look, a giraffe!”

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Degenerate Monkey.

 

2.  Giraffes have the longest, prettiest eyelashes I have ever seen.  Also, they seem very dainty for something 20 feet tall.

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Also, I think she’s British. We were feeding her lettuce, but I feel like she really wanted a cup o’ tea.

 

3.  This tiny monkey is wearing a diaper (and I guess we all know why).  I think generally he gets to be held and petted, but much like the kangaroos, was not up for the horde of little people who descended that day.

 

A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.

A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.

 

*Note:  I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me.  When we went to a different zoo-like place about a month ago, I asked my husband if he noticed that a particular ape-creature had gigantic balls.  He was horrified and claimed not to have “been looking.”  I don’t know how you could have missed them.  Also, have you seen a rhinoceros up close?  Jesus Christ.

 

4.  Goats can be very judgmental.  This goat is judging me right now.

 

The fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?

What the fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?

 

All in all, it was a fun day, even if I did learn a bit too much about animal anatomy.


Snakes. I don’t like them.

If you don’t live in the middle of nowhere, you may not be aware that deer and other wildlife have trails; certain paths that they follow, to water or possibly gatherings where they plot my demise.

I am beginning to think snakes also have trails, and that my house must sit right in their path.  Or the other animals elected snakes as their assassins.  I really don’t know much about snakes.  I do know that I don’t like them, and I REALLY don’t like them in my house.

About 10 years ago I (briefly) rented the house that we bought last year.  At that time I was the single parent of two boys.  The baby woke me up and I stumbled into the kitchen for a bottle.  In my defense, it was dark, and I was mostly still asleep.  So I saw what my brain registered as a really stretched out ponytail holder on the floor, and I (stupidly) reached down to get it.  The fucker moved and I woke all the way up pretty quick.  It was about a 4 foot long black snake.  In my kitchen.  Luckily for me, its head was caught in a mousetrap, so it didn’t really have a lot of options.  I called my mom and she appeared magically, as she is wont to do in my times of need, wearing boots and bearing a shovel.

Then I moved.  Like, fucking immediately.

Fast forward 10 years, and we (stupidly) bought this house.  Last fall we had approximately three unwelcome guests.  Baby copperheads.  In my fucking house.

After I finished having a nervous breakdown, I liberally applied glue traps all over the house.  I made my husband pull up all the trim, even though we had remodeled before we moved in, and fill up every hole we could find.  I work from home, and for a time I sat at my desk inside a circle of glue boards so that nothing could get me.

Now it is fall again, and apparently this is snake baby-time.  Two weeks ago I was laying on the couch when my four-year-old walked up and asked, “What is that?” pointing at a spot in the floor between us.  “That” was a snake stuck to a glue trap.  She may have learned a new word that day.  This snake was dead already and my husband wasn’t home, so I called on my Super Mother Powers and somehow got the damn thing out to the porch.  Where I completely lost my shit and began beating the glue trap, sticky side and snake side down, on my porch.  I did this until I couldn’t lift my arms anymore.  It’s still there.  Glue traps are very sticky.

Last night it was raining and sometimes when it rains we have a leaky spot behind the T.V.  So right before bed I went to have a look, just in case.  This is what I saw:

Are you fucking kidding me?

So, I did what anyone would do.  I called my mom again.  This time the snake was still alive and, though well and thoroughly stuck, was trying to strike.  We managed to get it outside, which was really hard because I refused to let my feet touch the floor and had to climb on furniture all the way through the house.

After we took care of that bastard, I convinced myself that there were no more because my glue trap defense is working perfectly.  Then I put out every glue board I had (about 12).  There are probably close to 50 glue boards hidden all over my house at this point.  Even I don’t know where they all are.

I’m concerned.  Fall is just beginning, and we’ve already had two invaders.  I need more glue traps, and maybe some fire.

I think there is an animal conspiracy.  I believe the squirrels started it, and they’ve coordinated the whole mess.  They want me gone.  This could get really ugly.


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