What is this? *gasp* I’VE WRITTEN AN ACTUAL BLOG POST?!
Well, kind of. Don’t get too excited.
I’ve been pretty busy lately, and by “busy” I mean “trying new antidepressants, being sick as fuck, and lying in bed staring at the wall.” Also, I’m working on a novel, but shhh, because it likely won’t be done until we all own flying cars and I have a robot brain.
I have been posting sporadically on my Facebook page. Which you should all be following by now. Or, if you thought I’d dropped off the face of the earth, you should go follow this instant. This. Very. Instant.
Okay, so anyway, this morning I decided to poke around here on the blog. To my surprise, there are still about 17 people a day reading old posts. This makes me feel both amazed and ashamed at how I’ve abandoned…myself, I guess. I’ve ignored my own blog. God. Maybe one day I will become an actual person. Or I will get that robot brain and it will work much better than this one. (By the way, I had an MRI done and my brain is actually trying to creep down my spine. It hasn’t gotten very far, which is good, because YOU CAN’T JUST JUMP SHIP, MOTHERFUCKER. We’re all in this together.)
I looked to see what people were searching for that brought them here. Most of them were legit searching for We Don’t Chew Glass! THAT was a very pleasant surprise. Of course, next came the pervs and most of them were some variation of…hahaha, I’m not repeating that shit. But they were gross. Super. Fucking. Gross.
(Just in case you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, my blog shows me what people type into Google that leads them here. So, when a person types “I’m Not That Mom article” into their Google search bar, my blog pops up. The link to We Don’t Chew Glass apparently also comes up when anyone searches for anything containing the words, “pee, sex, prostitute” which is complete bullshit and taken totally out of context. I’m sure those people are extremely disappointed when they click my link. Great, now even “click my link” sounds dirty.)
Here are the latest Top 10 Search Terms, minus anything too disgusting:
- parenting skills and meth
Math? Did you mean math? I’m going to pretend you meant math.
- you wont even notic that im jesus
Probably true. I’m not very observant.
- something that is not graceful
This is just…not nice. And even worse, there was another one that said, “things that are not graceful.” LISTEN, GOOGLE, I KNOW, OKAY? I KNOW.
- am determine to fuck a mummy for money, who is interested?
Not a mummy, I’m pretty sure.
5. these motherfucking slugs on this motherfuckin porch
This one actually makes sense. I may have even typed those exact words.
- I am a shark
This is just the best. I hope the shark liked my blog and is still hanging around. I want to be friends with this shark. It seems bold and confident.
- what would happen if we had no glass?
I feel like I’ve put far too much thought into this question. Maybe not as much as the person who searched the internet for the answer, but still, too much.
8. do teenagers have to wear jackets in November
Yes. It’s the law. Be sure to film yourself trying to make this happen, because otherwise no one will ever believe you.
- will the cleaner fuck my husband
A LOT of people seem concerned about this. From what little I’ve read about people who have maids and nannies, it’s always the nanny. Always.
10. that is what i want, a perfect prostitue is even better than you, to me, get the point, you are disturbing
There were many, many prostitute searches. This one though. This is a perfect example of how internet searches DO NOT work.
Anyway, I hope you guys are all doing great. I wish I was reliable enough to say I’m going to blog more often, but that would be a big fat lie. Maybe I’ll be “fixed” soon! Right now I’m trying this thing where you only concentrate on the present moment. At this moment, my ass hurts from sitting in this chair and my coffee is cold. So that means…I own a chair, an ass, and a coffee machine. See? Progress!