5 Things I Should Stop Saying, According to My Children

My kids are super smart and funny.  This is generally an asset, because it makes it easier to get a babysitter.  But when they turn their wits against me…well, sometimes it gets ugly.  According to Them, I say some things in the heat of the moment that are not Kid Approved.

Please note:  I am not going to stop saying these things, because these kids are not the boss of me.

1.  You’re not the boss of me.  (They aren’t.)

2.  Whack, as in, “Yo, dude, that’s whack!” (With hand motions.)

3.  Laying the mack down.  (Apparently this isn’t even a thing?  They claim I’ve confused my hammer pants with my wrestlers.)

(Okay, so they might have a point on this one.)

 

4.  Groovy, right on, and what what!  (This is called positive reinforcement.  I’m boosting their ungrateful little egos.  I don’t see a problem here.)

5.  Your mom!  (Because I’m their mom.) (I guess.)

your mom

 

I have also compiled a list of things I’m going to start saying because that’s just how I roll.  (What what!)

1.  You better check yo self before you wreck yo self!

2.  Bombdiggity.  (I don’t even know what this means, I’m just going to insert it randomly into conversations and see what happens.)

3.  Stop judging me!  I gave you life!

4.  Fo shizzle.

5.  No, you can’t have any money.  (This one is my favorite.)

 

Of course, I also have to include a list of things I have actually said to or about my kids in the past.  If you’ve ever tried to raise wild goats or feral pigs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Source:  Pinterest

Source: Pinterest

1.  Did you eat poop?!?  Tell me!  OH MY GOD, I THINK SHE ATE POOP!

2.  Stop hitting your brother with that hot dog!  No, don’t eat–okay, eat it.

3.  Don’t forget to comb your teeth and brush your hands!

4.  This is a blanket and it is warm.  No, it’s not the unicorn blanket.  No.  It doesn’t matter.  This one is purple.  *stomping down hallway in the middle of the night, grumble-cursing-whispering goddamn unicorn fucking blanket anyway*  Here!  Unicorn blanket.  Now we sleep, okay?

5.  You need to get your priorities straight. (How did this happen?  Am I…responsible?  *shudders*)

 

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

48 responses to “5 Things I Should Stop Saying, According to My Children

  • El Guapo

    If it makes you feel better, I understand that one day your kids will have kids just like them.
    Then they’ll really appreciate your coolness and patience.

  • Michelle

    This is hilarious. I like to take the kid lingo and misuse it to watch my baby boy;s head explode. For instance, in a video game, if someone gets pwn’d (powned) that means they got stomped. So, I say..Joey…you should totally try this meatloaf…it’s so p’wnd.

    Also, using the word ‘awesomesauce’ makes his head spin.

    It’s fun being a mom

  • Deanna Herrmann

    I’m still dreaming that someday he will talk more and scream less. I think I get one, but not both.

  • merbear74

    You are so incredibly gangsta!

  • Twindaddy

    You let your kids eat poop??? Something’s wrong here…

  • April Tolliver

    I like to use “whatev” , “Totes Magotes” and pretty much anything the Ninja Turtles say to my children. I’ve discovered that if I use very old school slang, or cool new school slang, it drives them nuts and causes my daughter to shriek “You are NOT COOL! Please don’t talk to my friends”

    I think the only good thing about having a moody, PMSing 13 year old girl is the fact that I can embarrass her by breathing

    • Steph

      Bahaha! Ninja Turtles are a great reference, that is genius. My teenager gave me a severe talking to this morning when I used “bombdiggity” and “awesomesauce.” Fortunately, my only girl is 5. So I have some time. You, on the other hand…you’re in the danger zone! I’m thinking about having myself sedated through mine’s teenage years.

  • andreazjensen

    I love that you are consciously sprinkling expressions into your vocabulary!
    I just giggle when my little one says to the older one things she’s heard me say mixed in with their kid convo. Like “Nicol, if you are going to sit on my head and fart you should do it properly.”

    • Steph

      OMG! That is so funny! (I’m adding “fart properly” to my vocab now too.) Once one of my kids farted and told me to say thank you “because it was a gift,” and I always told them to say thank you for a gift. They make me laugh almost as much as they drive me nuts.

  • racheltoalson

    Thanks for making me laugh first thing this morning. I’m pretty sure I’ve said most of the last five. Oh, those blankets.

    • Steph

      You are so welcome! Thanks for commenting. Yes, those blankets, or stuffed animals, or legos…the very SPECIFIC one that they HAVE to have RIGHT this minute, lol.

  • maurnas

    I say most of those things in the first list too. But I don’t have children to tell me how uncool I am. Therefore, I am cool. And if I am, so are you.

  • AmberLynn Pappas

    I’m in the phase where I need to keep my snark in check with my 3 year old because he’s got a smart wit about him. The other night he dropped his fork on the floor and when I asked him to pick it up, he replied, “Sure, like I wasn’t doing anything.” It hurts when those things come back to bite you.

  • The Hook

    It’s your job to embarrass your kids, Steph!
    Stay the course.

  • jaclynschoknecht

    Hilarious! My daughters are just 8 and 6, so we’re just inching toward the “Moooooomm, you’re so embarassing!” phase. I have no doubt it’s going to be ugly.

  • Jana

    Whenever I say anything they perceive as uncool, my barely adult children (let’s be real, they still live at home and go to school — so really they are more like “ancient teens”) like to shake their heads and roll their eyes a tiny bit while they say, “Oh, mom,” with condescension and pity. I just smile and start using words like “Shananagans,” “Hijinks” and “Tomfoolery” — drives them crazy!

  • Aussa Lorens

    I honestly can’t wait to have children just so I can use the “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it” line.

    • Steph

      Ha! They love it when you say that. I tweeted this the other day, but my daughter (5) asked me, very sadly and tearfully, “Why did you even MAKE us if you weren’t going to let us have fun?” It was pathetic! Little adorable, cuddly manipulators is what they are. I have no chance here, no chance at all.

  • tamaralikecamera

    haha! Ok, did anyone actually eat poop? I have to know! My daughter had a near incident when she was just learning to crawl and the ancient dog had had an accident. Luckily it didn’t happen.
    Whew. Constant vigilance.

    • Steph

      She put it in her mouth – same situation – and was drooling and kind of gagging it out. I don’t think she swallowed any, and I *know* she didn’t like it, lol.

  • telzeyamberdon

    You make me wish I had children so I could say stuff, too. Is it too late to adopt?

    • Steph

      Probably not, but I suspect you could have as much fun doing whatever the hell you want whenever you want, which is not an option with little tyrants running around ingesting non-food items and wreaking havoc wherever we go.

  • stef

    I have a list of these myself, but I remind my kids to back off, because Us 80s Kids…LIKE, PRETTY MUCH INVENTED “COOL” OK? (Start with “Awesome” and “Dude” and work your way down through the decades… lol)

    I am mostly content, because my kids (and their friends) generally think I’m super “chill” (whatever that means).

    What I get the most eye rolls about is my uber-hip dancing-queen moves when Michael Jackson or Van Halen songs are playing (“Mom. No. Stahp.”), although my spontaneous belt-it-out one-time rendition of “Dude Looks Like A Laaaaydie” still gets encore requests.

    😉

    • Steph

      I know exactly what you mean. Well, except the singing part. No encores here. But deep down in their little black hearts, I think my kids really do think I’m super cool. (I mean, how could they not? Lol.)

  • dkw1975

    I love bombdiggity and you can always tell them they’re amazeballs!

  • bevchen

    I once ate half a beetle. Fishing the other half out of my mouth was what made my mother realise that I’d already swallowed some…

  • qwertygirl

    I’m not sure where he got it (could have been me, could have been something he picked up on the streets), but my 8 year old says, “It’s your fault, you gave us life” pretty regularly. My response is, “But you have free will, so it’s YOUR fault.” Because, you know, I’m the mature one in this relationship.

    • Steph

      HA! My oldest makes fun of me cause he says I’m immature. I really, really like to give that one a hard time. It’s one of my favorite things about being a mom!

  • REDdog

    Haahaaaaa, you definitely have to mess with those guys, it’s like they get real smart real fast and then get to their teens and park up, all slack-jawed and doe-eyed with nary an intelligent word to be found. My Queen used to tell her toddlers to “Sit! Legs crossed, hands in self-control” to get ’em to stop mucking about and pay attention (“hands in self-control” was hands clasped together in their lap…I always liked to change it up on their smart-5yo-arse and say things “Eyes crossed and legs in self-control.” At least one of us had a laugh haa.

  • Me

    Luckily I’m in the office by myself because I just burst out laughing as I read this post !!!! Thanks for that !
    My husband and I often use “You not the boss of me” – on each other and then just burst out laughing ! And only last night we reminded K (22yo) that she made an excellent captain of the children’s ship (she’s an only child and wanted to be the boss of us !!!)
    Fo shizzle is one of her favourites in an sms – it drove me nuts to start with – now I just laugh every time I see it.
    So glad I found this blog (via Michelle) – I’ll be linking through Bloglovin so I don’t miss any posts !!!
    Have the BEST weekend !
    Me

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