My kids are super smart and funny. This is generally an asset, because it makes it easier to get a babysitter. But when they turn their wits against me…well, sometimes it gets ugly. According to Them, I say some things in the heat of the moment that are not Kid Approved.
Please note: I am not going to stop saying these things, because these kids are not the boss of me.
1. You’re not the boss of me. (They aren’t.)
2. Whack, as in, “Yo, dude, that’s whack!” (With hand motions.)
3. Laying the mack down. (Apparently this isn’t even a thing? They claim I’ve confused my hammer pants with my wrestlers.)
(Okay, so they might have a point on this one.)
4. Groovy, right on, and what what! (This is called positive reinforcement. I’m boosting their ungrateful little egos. I don’t see a problem here.)
5. Your mom! (Because I’m their mom.) (I guess.)
I have also compiled a list of things I’m going to start saying because that’s just how I roll. (What what!)
1. You better check yo self before you wreck yo self!
2. Bombdiggity. (I don’t even know what this means, I’m just going to insert it randomly into conversations and see what happens.)
3. Stop judging me! I gave you life!
4. Fo shizzle.
5. No, you can’t have any money. (This one is my favorite.)
Of course, I also have to include a list of things I have actually said to or about my kids in the past. If you’ve ever tried to raise wild goats or feral pigs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
1. Did you eat poop?!? Tell me! OH MY GOD, I THINK SHE ATE POOP!
2. Stop hitting your brother with that hot dog! No, don’t eat–okay, eat it.
3. Don’t forget to comb your teeth and brush your hands!
4. This is a blanket and it is warm. No, it’s not the unicorn blanket. No. It doesn’t matter. This one is purple. *stomping down hallway in the middle of the night, grumble-cursing-whispering goddamn unicorn fucking blanket anyway* Here! Unicorn blanket. Now we sleep, okay?
5. You need to get your priorities straight. (How did this happen? Am I…responsible? *shudders*)