5 Things I Should Stop Saying, According to My Children

My kids are super smart and funny. This is generally an asset, because it makes it easier to get a babysitter. But when they turn their wits against me…well, sometimes it gets ugly. According to Them, I say some things in the heat of the moment that are not Kid Approved.

Please note: I am not going to stop saying these things, because these kids are not the boss of me.

1. You’re not the boss of me. (They aren’t.)

2. Whack, as in, “Yo, dude, that’s whack!” (With hand motions.)

3. Laying the mack down. (Apparently this isn’t even a thing? They claim I’ve confused my hammer pants with my wrestlers.)

Source: www.wwe24seven.com — Source: http://www.wwe24seven.com

(Okay, so they might have a point on this one.)

4. Groovy, right on, and what what! (This is called positive reinforcement. I’m boosting their ungrateful little egos. I don’t see a problem here.)

5. Your mom! (Because I’m their mom.) (I guess.)

your mom

I have also compiled a list of things I’m going to start saying because that’s just how I roll. (What what!)

1. You better check yo self before you wreck yo self!

2. Bombdiggity. (I don’t even know what this means, I’m just going to insert it randomly into conversations and see what happens.)

3. Stop judging me! I gave you life!

4. Fo shizzle.

5. No, you can’t have any money. (This one is my favorite.)

Of course, I also have to include a list of things I have actually said to or about my kids in the past. If you’ve ever tried to raise wild goats or feral pigs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

1. Did you eat poop?!? Tell me! OH MY GOD, I THINK SHE ATE POOP!

2. Stop hitting your brother with that hot dog! No, don’t eat–okay, eat it.

3. Don’t forget to comb your teeth and brush your hands!

4. This is a blanket and it is warm. No, it’s not the unicorn blanket. No. It doesn’t matter. This one is purple. *stomping down hallway in the middle of the night, grumble-cursing-whispering goddamn unicorn fucking blanket anyway* Here! Unicorn blanket. Now we sleep, okay?

5. You need to get your priorities straight. (How did this happen? Am I…responsible? *shudders*)

Responses

El Guapo

April 9, 2014

If it makes you feel better, I understand that one day your kids will have kids just like them.
Then they’ll really appreciate your coolness and patience.

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1. Steph
  
  April 9, 2014
  
  Ha! That actually scares me a little. I’m not prepared to think about them procreating just yet.
  
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Michelle

April 10, 2014

This is hilarious. I like to take the kid lingo and misuse it to watch my baby boy;s head explode. For instance, in a video game, if someone gets pwn’d (powned) that means they got stomped. So, I say..Joey…you should totally try this meatloaf…it’s so p’wnd.

Also, using the word ‘awesomesauce’ makes his head spin.

It’s fun being a mom

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1. Steph
  
  April 10, 2014
  
  Oh, Michelle, we would get along *so* well. I’m using awesomesauce starting now. Thanks. 😉
  
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Deanna Herrmann

April 10, 2014

I’m still dreaming that someday he will talk more and scream less. I think I get one, but not both.

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1. Steph
  
  April 10, 2014
  
  Lol, Deanna, I hope you don’t come to regret that. Once mine started talking they never stopped–NEVAH!!!!
  
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merbear74

April 10, 2014

You are so incredibly gangsta!

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1. Steph
  
  April 10, 2014
  
  Haha! Thanks, I try. 🙂
  
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Twindaddy

April 10, 2014

You let your kids eat poop??? Something’s wrong here…

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1. Steph
  
  April 10, 2014
  
  Oh no, there was no “letting,” it just happened. It’s not like I *encourage* them to be super gross, lol.
  
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  1. Twindaddy
    
    April 10, 2014
    
    Sure, sure…
    
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April Tolliver

April 10, 2014

I like to use “whatev” , “Totes Magotes” and pretty much anything the Ninja Turtles say to my children. I’ve discovered that if I use very old school slang, or cool new school slang, it drives them nuts and causes my daughter to shriek “You are NOT COOL! Please don’t talk to my friends”

I think the only good thing about having a moody, PMSing 13 year old girl is the fact that I can embarrass her by breathing

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1. Steph
  
  April 10, 2014
  
  Bahaha! Ninja Turtles are a great reference, that is genius. My teenager gave me a severe talking to this morning when I used “bombdiggity” and “awesomesauce.” Fortunately, my only girl is 5. So I have some time. You, on the other hand…you’re in the danger zone! I’m thinking about having myself sedated through mine’s teenage years.
  
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andreazjensen

April 10, 2014

I love that you are consciously sprinkling expressions into your vocabulary!
I just giggle when my little one says to the older one things she’s heard me say mixed in with their kid convo. Like “Nicol, if you are going to sit on my head and fart you should do it properly.”

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1. Steph
  
  April 10, 2014
  
  OMG! That is so funny! (I’m adding “fart properly” to my vocab now too.) Once one of my kids farted and told me to say thank you “because it was a gift,” and I always told them to say thank you for a gift. They make me laugh almost as much as they drive me nuts.
  
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racheltoalson

April 11, 2014

Thanks for making me laugh first thing this morning. I’m pretty sure I’ve said most of the last five. Oh, those blankets.

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1. Steph
  
  April 11, 2014
  
  You are so welcome! Thanks for commenting. Yes, those blankets, or stuffed animals, or legos…the very SPECIFIC one that they HAVE to have RIGHT this minute, lol.
  
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maurnas

April 11, 2014

I say most of those things in the first list too. But I don’t have children to tell me how uncool I am. Therefore, I am cool. And if I am, so are you.

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1. Steph
  
  April 11, 2014
  
  Awesomesauce! I’ll be happy to report to the family that I AM cool. 🙂
  
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AmberLynn Pappas

April 11, 2014

I’m in the phase where I need to keep my snark in check with my 3 year old because he’s got a smart wit about him. The other night he dropped his fork on the floor and when I asked him to pick it up, he replied, “Sure, like I wasn’t doing anything.” It hurts when those things come back to bite you.

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1. Steph
  
  April 11, 2014
  
  Oh snap! That’s hilarious, omg. Three! You are in big trouble.
  
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The Hook

April 12, 2014

It’s your job to embarrass your kids, Steph!
Stay the course.

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1. Steph
  
  April 12, 2014
  
  Finally! Something I excel at!
  
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jaclynschoknecht

April 12, 2014

Hilarious! My daughters are just 8 and 6, so we’re just inching toward the “Moooooomm, you’re so embarassing!” phase. I have no doubt it’s going to be ugly.

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1. Steph
  
  April 12, 2014
  
  Yes. But so much fun!
  
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Jana

April 12, 2014

Whenever I say anything they perceive as uncool, my barely adult children (let’s be real, they still live at home and go to school — so really they are more like “ancient teens”) like to shake their heads and roll their eyes a tiny bit while they say, “Oh, mom,” with condescension and pity. I just smile and start using words like “Shananagans,” “Hijinks” and “Tomfoolery” — drives them crazy!

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1. Steph
  
  April 13, 2014
  
  Tomfoolery has just been added to my list. I’m sure that will earn me a heartfelt “Really, Mom? Really?”
  
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Aussa Lorens

April 13, 2014

I honestly can’t wait to have children just so I can use the “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it” line.

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1. Steph
  
  April 14, 2014
  
  Ha! They love it when you say that. I tweeted this the other day, but my daughter (5) asked me, very sadly and tearfully, “Why did you even MAKE us if you weren’t going to let us have fun?” It was pathetic! Little adorable, cuddly manipulators is what they are. I have no chance here, no chance at all.
  
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tamaralikecamera

April 25, 2014

haha! Ok, did anyone actually eat poop? I have to know! My daughter had a near incident when she was just learning to crawl and the ancient dog had had an accident. Luckily it didn’t happen.
Whew. Constant vigilance.

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1. Steph
  
  April 25, 2014
  
  She put it in her mouth – same situation – and was drooling and kind of gagging it out. I don’t think she swallowed any, and I *know* she didn’t like it, lol.
  
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telzeyamberdon

April 26, 2014

You make me wish I had children so I could say stuff, too. Is it too late to adopt?

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1. Steph
  
  April 26, 2014
  
  Probably not, but I suspect you could have as much fun doing whatever the hell you want whenever you want, which is not an option with little tyrants running around ingesting non-food items and wreaking havoc wherever we go.
  
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stef

April 28, 2014

I have a list of these myself, but I remind my kids to back off, because Us 80s Kids…LIKE, PRETTY MUCH INVENTED “COOL” OK? (Start with “Awesome” and “Dude” and work your way down through the decades… lol)

I am mostly content, because my kids (and their friends) generally think I’m super “chill” (whatever that means).

What I get the most eye rolls about is my uber-hip dancing-queen moves when Michael Jackson or Van Halen songs are playing (“Mom. No. Stahp.”), although my spontaneous belt-it-out one-time rendition of “Dude Looks Like A Laaaaydie” still gets encore requests.

😉

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1. Steph
  
  April 28, 2014
  
  I know exactly what you mean. Well, except the singing part. No encores here. But deep down in their little black hearts, I think my kids really do think I’m super cool. (I mean, how could they not? Lol.)
  
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dkw1975

May 13, 2014

I love bombdiggity and you can always tell them they’re amazeballs!

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1. Steph
  
  May 13, 2014
  
  Lol! Thanks. They love that one. (hahahaha)
  
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bevchen

May 14, 2014

I once ate half a beetle. Fishing the other half out of my mouth was what made my mother realise that I’d already swallowed some…

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1. Steph
  
  May 14, 2014
  
  Yuck! Lol. Hopefully you were too young to know better!
  
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  1. bevchen
    
    May 14, 2014
    
    I don’t remember it so I must have been pretty young 🙂
    
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qwertygirl

May 14, 2014

I’m not sure where he got it (could have been me, could have been something he picked up on the streets), but my 8 year old says, “It’s your fault, you gave us life” pretty regularly. My response is, “But you have free will, so it’s YOUR fault.” Because, you know, I’m the mature one in this relationship.

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1. Steph
  
  May 14, 2014
  
  HA! My oldest makes fun of me cause he says I’m immature. I really, really like to give that one a hard time. It’s one of my favorite things about being a mom!
  
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REDdog

July 1, 2014

Haahaaaaa, you definitely have to mess with those guys, it’s like they get real smart real fast and then get to their teens and park up, all slack-jawed and doe-eyed with nary an intelligent word to be found. My Queen used to tell her toddlers to “Sit! Legs crossed, hands in self-control” to get ’em to stop mucking about and pay attention (“hands in self-control” was hands clasped together in their lap…I always liked to change it up on their smart-5yo-arse and say things “Eyes crossed and legs in self-control.” At least one of us had a laugh haa.

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1. Steph
  
  July 1, 2014
  
  Hahaha “eyes crossed and legs in self control” I’d like to see that.
  
  It gives me such joy to mess with these kids. Such joy.
  
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  1. REDdog
    
    July 1, 2014
    
    Sometimes, for years even, it’s all you’ve got, Steph, otherwise you’re forced to consider why some animals eat their young.
    
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    1. Steph
      
      July 1, 2014
      
      Lolol! This is the truest statement I think I’ve ever read.
      
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Me

July 10, 2014

Luckily I’m in the office by myself because I just burst out laughing as I read this post !!!! Thanks for that !
My husband and I often use “You not the boss of me” – on each other and then just burst out laughing ! And only last night we reminded K (22yo) that she made an excellent captain of the children’s ship (she’s an only child and wanted to be the boss of us !!!)
Fo shizzle is one of her favourites in an sms – it drove me nuts to start with – now I just laugh every time I see it.
So glad I found this blog (via Michelle) – I’ll be linking through Bloglovin so I don’t miss any posts !!!
Have the BEST weekend !
Me

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1. Steph
  
  July 10, 2014
  
  Lol! I’m glad you found me too! Michelle is the best; I just love her to pieces.
  
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