Category Archives: random bullshit

June 27, 2014

Unfunny Doctors and How Business Works

By Steph

Yesterday was another eventful day, beginning with this conversation with my husband regarding a woman I saw standing on a corner holding a sign asking for money to feed her kids:

Me: So, a lady with a large cardboard sign may come down to the shop.  Give her some money, okay?

Him:  Say what?

Me:  She needs it to feed her kids and I don’t have any cash. I told her to go to your store.

Him: I’m not sure you know how businesses work.  Are you ever going to send someone to me who HAS money?  Like to BUY things?

Me:  Good point.  But give her some money this time, and I promise I won’t do this anymore today.

Him:  You do know there’s a food pantry you could send these people to, right?

Me: Oh.  No, I hadn’t thought about that.  Thanks!

He loves it when I send homeless people to his store.  Loves it.

You may remember that at a recent doctor’s appointment they did an EKG because of some pain randomly and of course it was “abnormal” so there was this big deal about “it’s probably nothing” but “we have to check it out” and “the cardiologist will just tell you it’s fine and send you on your way.”

I’m beginning to think they just said those things because I was crying.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday and he did an EKG and it was abnormal too, so now he wants to do another test “just to rule out” and “it’s probably nothing” but “we have to check it out.”

Hmmm.  The good news is he says whatever the issue may be, he doesn’t think it will interfere with having my murderous gallbladder removed.  So there’s that.

Also, I learned that doctors do not find me funny. Not at all. I suppose med school sucked all their funny out, cause we all know I’m fucking hilarious. I’m going to try again next week when I go for that #biliary bullshit (thank you Sarah!) and we’ll see if gallbladder peeps are more attuned to my stellar wit than cardiologists.

I also learned that when you write notes to yourself on your hand in blue ink while you are waiting for the doctor and then put your chin in your hand so you look calm and like you are a good listener, you end up looking like you spent your time waiting by doodling on your face. Which, again, doctors do not find amusing.

No wonder they think I am not funny and a little crazy.

Lastly, I found these little darlings and just had to bring them home with me, due to the whole crazy bird eye they were giving me.

They remind me of myself.

They remind me of myself.

42 Comments | posted in random bullshit

June 26, 2014

Tell Me Happies

By Steph

I’m so exhausted and I hope that’s why I feel like crying.

I’ve been sick for a couple of days.  So everything is a mess.

The new kitten has been peeing in the floor and chewing on my cords and trying to shit in my plants.  She’s also sneezing constantly and I think she’s got a cold, if that’s even possible.

My daughter’s hair is so tangled that I’m thinking at this point cutting it off would be maybe the best option.

I had to cancel my appointment for my gallbladder scan this morning because I was just too sick to go.  I’m hoping to make it to the cardiologist this afternoon.

I started writing a novel and I’m really excited about it.  It’s not the first one I’ve started, but hopefully will be the first one I finish.

I really need some good news.  Today would be an excellent day to get word on some of the pieces I’ve submitted lately.  Unless of course they are rejections, lol.  Then maybe wait a bit.

I just — I’m wrung out.  Exhausted mentally and physically and that’s after being in bed for two days.  I know a migraine is lurking, cause I always get one after I’m sick.

I’m going to try to list some positives here, then I need YOU to tell me some good news, okay?

1. I am not currently throwing up.  This is awesome.

2. I had that story idea which I am in love with.

3. We got a new kitten who is only half an asshole.

4. Leeloo (our other cat) doesn’t seem to hate me as much as she did when the new kitten first came home.

5. Since I cancelled my appointment this morning, I am drinking a cup of coffee and got to take my meds.

 

Your turn.

57 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, thoughts, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

June 22, 2014

10 Tips: How To Be A Person

By Steph

say-what

I just realized that, according to my search terms, people are coming here for answers.  Answers to the important questions, like what to do about that invisible ball sweat when you’re cracked out.  Where to go for help if you’ve eaten glass.  When to go to the ER for your I.U.D.

I feel like it’s safe to say I’ve let those people down. 

I don’t have any answers — hell, I don’t even know what I should do most of the time.  But I do like to be helpful.

So I’ve composed a list of Things You Should Do If You Want To Be A Person.

1.  Don’t Chew Glass.  I feel like this should be mostly self-explanatory, but I understand that some people do actually eat things that were never intended to be ingested.  So don’t chew glass, guys.  It will hurt really bad and likely not taste that great.

2.  Don’t do meth.  If you have already done it when you found your way here, don’t do it anymore.  Meth will make your teeth fall out and your personal hygiene will go completely by the wayside.  Greasy hair and no teeth is not a good look for anyone.  Plus, you may have to deal with invisible ball sweat, and nobody wants that.

3.  Don’t trust monkeys.  They might look cute, but they are hairy deviants and I know what I’m talking about.

4.  Don’t teach your kids to talk.  They will never stop and half of what they say will be complaints.  The other half will be embarrassing shit said to strangers, like “My mom thinks it’s funny when people fart.”

5.  Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest.  You might think that I just mess stuff up, but I’ve come to realize that there is an asshole sitting somewhere laughing at all of us attempting his impossibly perfect projects.  Fuck you, perfect asshole.  Beads were never intended to go in the oven and that cake was a goddamned travesty.

6.  Always watch what you’re doing with your head.  One incident with a pancake griddle and I promise you will never live it down.

7.  Carry mace and listen to police officers, but if a police officer tries to mace someone inside a building, run.  Mace is not selective and everybody will go down.

8.  Don’t judge yourself based on your cat’s opinion of you.  Cats can be very cruel, especially if they feel slighted or you’ve brought a new kitten home because you thought they might like a friend. *cries a little*

9.  Collect things, but not things like crabs or the clap.  Be selectively collective. (OH MY GOD THAT’S SO AWESOME!)

10.  Think of righteous sayings and then publicly pat yourself on the back.  *pats back* *nods.* *whispers “selectively collective.”*

47 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Blogging, Just Being Awesome, random bullshit

June 18, 2014

That Time I Accidentally Picked Up a Hooker

By Steph

This was a few years ago, and I’ve mentioned before that my memory is not that great nonexistent, but this is one story I will never forget.

It was around 2005 and my brother lived in a shitty part of a medium-size college town.  I lived (and still do) 50 miles from the nearest bar.  So I visited my brother frequently.  That is to say, I would crash at his place after a night of dancing and/or other bad decisions.

Even I'm not sure what was going on here.

Even I’m not sure what was going on here.

One morning, after what I must assume was a night of excess, I stopped at the convenience store right up the road.  I don’t remember what I had been doing the night before, but I do know I was still wearing the same clothes and I was out of cigarettes.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I must’ve rolled the window down for a smoke.  I remember hearing a shrill voice yelling unintelligible word-sounds.  It didn’t occur to me that I was being yelled at–I just looked out of curiosity, I guess.

What I saw coming towards me was vaguely alarming, but either I was still drunk or just slow, because instead of driving off I just sat there and smoked and waited for this loud stranger to reach my car.  I listened to her through the open window.  I don’t remember what she said or why I let her in my car.  I must have felt some sort of kinship with a woman, stranded, after a wild night…I don’t even know.  I do know that I wasn’t scared before she got in the car.  That’s when everything changed.  My stranded, helpless woman turned into something remarkably similar to this:

tvspoileralert.com

tvspoileralert.com

I wasn’t even out of the parking lot before she started ranting.  Turns out, her pimp friend had brought her to this street and left her the night before, but the gentleman she was supposed to visit with told her he didn’t like her because she talked too much and her hair was ugly. (Nothing like picture above.)  So he didn’t pay her.  Her pimp friend wouldn’t come get her, she didn’t have any money or drugs, and she was about to stab somebody.

By then I had kind of realized that a stabby hooker in my car was not an ideal situation.

That’s when she started getting really agitated.  She was wearing a sweatshirt with a pocket on the front and had her hands in the pocket.  I was driving, but she kept getting right in my face, leaning across the console to make her point.  She was so wound up that there was spit flying from her mouth, and she kept getting closer and louder and I just knew something painful was about to happen.  I didn’t know what the hell she was doing with her hands, but it was making me exceedingly nervous.  I was all the way up against my door trying to get some space, all while driving this woman who won’t stop yelling long enough to give me directions.

I distracted her with a cigarette and pulled over in a parking lot.  We’d gone about two miles.  I had no idea what to do with her; I just wanted to get her out of my car before she stabbed me.  But she wouldn’t stop screeching and she wouldn’t get out.  She was literally bouncing in the seat, but at least she didn’t have her hands in her pocket anymore.

I think this was about the time when she came down to earth enough to realize that this silly bitch in the driver’s seat was scared shitless.

I ended up cringing as far away as I could get while she told me her name (Pearl), where she was from (Texas), what she was going to do to the guy who left her last night (not pretty), and finally, that she just needed a liiiiiittle bit of money to get her by.  Whatever I had would be good.  Oh, I only had $10?  Well, how about that pack of cigarettes too then?  Yeah?  Okay, lemme write down your number, cause I’m gonna call you when I can pay you back.

The ONLY good decision I made that morning was not giving this woman my phone number.

I almost forgot! (Okay, I did forget.) Do YOU have any crazy hooker stories?  I can’t be the only one!

53 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos

June 16, 2014

Jailbirds and Search Terms

By Steph

I know I said I wasn’t going to make a habit of Search Term Tuesday, but then I saw the greatest search EVER and it’s Monday, so I had to share.  Someone searched for the following and it led them here.  I don’t get it either.

invisible sweat dripping off my balls when i’m on meth

Right?!  Oh my God, it’s better than Christmas.  The amount of joy this has brought me is a little frightening.

While I was pondering on this poor guy’s plight, I started thinking about balls criminals and that led me to my recycle bin, because that’s where I keep the bad guys.

By “bad guys” I mean newspapers that haven’t gone out yet.  Luckily for you, I haven’t emptied my newspaper bin since Christmas, and my town does a weekly incident report.  I know.  It’s often the highlight of my week.

April 13:  At approximately 12:10 a.m., police were notified that someone was asleep in the road in front of the high school.  Police found a male subject sitting just outside the white line.  He advised “he had simply had too much to drink and had fallen asleep.”  Because everyone drinks on the side of the road in front of a school, right?

June 7:  A man was arrested for public intoxication after police received a tip that there was a man asleep in the ditch in front of the high school.  Shit.  I guess they do.

March 14:  A man reported that he received a phone call from a person threatening to kill his cat and him.  What could the cat have possibly done?

February 15:  A caller advised there was a chair in the middle of the road, and on the other side of the road there was a man laying next to the highway.  Question:  Was this near the high school?

February 15:  A man advised that there was a horse in the highway and every time he tried to get around it, the horse would run back across the highway.  A different caller also advised of a goat in the area.  You get a goat and a horse together and this is what happens.

January 1:  A caller advised that his mother kept calling him.  I didn’t realize you could call the cops for this.

October 19:  A man advised that he went hunting and when he returned home, a woman was in his dining room drunk with wine coolers hanging out of her pockets.  I’m interested in these pockets.  I don’t have pockets awesome big enough to hold wine coolers.

April 23:  A caller reported that there was a naked male out on the road and he was coming up their driveway.  Why are these people always in the road?  Go home, naked man, you’re drunk.

April 26:  A man reported a suspicious Suburban pulled into his driveway, so he went out on the porch and fired a warning shot.  Because around here, if you take a wrong turn, we’ll shoot at you until you figure it out.

And this gem I’ve actually posted before, but just in case you missed it:

2c92e-localnews2

** The police reports were shortened, names and addresses removed, etc, but otherwise are in original form.

Does your local paper provide you with entertainment as well as news?  Do drunk people sleep in front of your high school?  What about goats?  There seems to be an inordinate amount of goat trouble in my neck of the woods.

 

46 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Blogging, random bullshit