I know I said I wasn’t going to make a habit of Search Term Tuesday, but then I saw the greatest search EVER and it’s Monday, so I had to share. Someone searched for the following and it led them here. I don’t get it either.
invisible sweat dripping off my balls when i’m on meth
Right?! Oh my God, it’s better than Christmas. The amount of joy this has brought me is a little frightening.
While I was pondering on this poor guy’s plight, I started thinking about
balls criminals and that led me to my recycle bin, because that’s where I keep the bad guys.
By “bad guys” I mean newspapers that haven’t gone out yet. Luckily for you, I haven’t emptied my newspaper bin since Christmas, and my town does a weekly incident report. I know. It’s often the highlight of my week.
April 13: At approximately 12:10 a.m., police were notified that someone was asleep in the road in front of the high school. Police found a male subject sitting just outside the white line. He advised “he had simply had too much to drink and had fallen asleep.” Because everyone drinks on the side of the road in front of a school, right?
June 7: A man was arrested for public intoxication after police received a tip that there was a man asleep in the ditch in front of the high school. Shit. I guess they do.
March 14: A man reported that he received a phone call from a person threatening to kill his cat and him. What could the cat have possibly done?
February 15: A caller advised there was a chair in the middle of the road, and on the other side of the road there was a man laying next to the highway. Question: Was this near the high school?
February 15: A man advised that there was a horse in the highway and every time he tried to get around it, the horse would run back across the highway. A different caller also advised of a goat in the area. You get a goat and a horse together and this is what happens.
January 1: A caller advised that his mother kept calling him. I didn’t realize you could call the cops for this.
October 19: A man advised that he went hunting and when he returned home, a woman was in his dining room drunk with wine coolers hanging out of her pockets. I’m interested in these pockets. I don’t have pockets
awesome big enough to hold wine coolers.
April 23: A caller reported that there was a naked male out on the road and he was coming up their driveway. Why are these people always in the road? Go home, naked man, you’re drunk.
April 26: A man reported a suspicious Suburban pulled into his driveway, so he went out on the porch and fired a warning shot. Because around here, if you take a wrong turn, we’ll shoot at you until you figure it out.
And this gem I’ve actually posted before, but just in case you missed it:
** The police reports were shortened, names and addresses removed, etc, but otherwise are in original form.
Does your local paper provide you with entertainment as well as news? Do drunk people sleep in front of your high school? What about goats? There seems to be an inordinate amount of goat trouble in my neck of the woods.
June 16th, 2014 at 10:50 am
Our police blotter is a cross between yours and Mayberry’s. My favorite one of all time was the woman who called the cops because she said someone broke into her house and ate the vanilla pudding in her fridge. Nothing else was taken, or damaged. We did have a meth lab that got busted, and someone else was running a prostitution ring a long time ago, but the most serious things are usually car break ins and DUIs. But the police blotter is everyone’s favorite part of our local paper.
June 16th, 2014 at 10:56 am
LOL! Vanilla pudding, oh my gosh. The neighboring county does this thing where they try to make their reports more funny, but I don’t get that paper. I may have to start.
June 16th, 2014 at 11:02 am
Is the high school in your town next to a saloon? I can only imagine you live in a hick area like I do as our police blotter looks a lot like this one. Thanks for the Monday laughs.
June 16th, 2014 at 11:07 am
Right? So weird! We just recently went “wet” – a couple of months ago you couldn’t buy alcohol here at all. We still don’t have a saloon, but I’m hopeful. And yes, DEFINITELY a backwoods-type place. Thank you for laughing and commenting!
June 16th, 2014 at 11:24 am
Phew! Thank Gawd the weed was left behind!
We have one of those too, it’s called “The Police Blotter.”
June 16th, 2014 at 11:35 am
Lol. Pot’s illegal here, so I wondered if the police went and tried to arrest her…but I’m sure she smoked it. So stressful being robbed and all.
June 16th, 2014 at 12:02 pm
Whaaaat! No! We don’t have these sorts of newspaper articles, I’m freaking jealous over here. We have a major shortage of goat shenanigans and drunk people outside of our schools as well.
June 16th, 2014 at 1:34 pm
But you work in a psych ward so I think you win. Only because your coworkers are crazy as shit.
June 16th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
At least she still had her weed.
We never get good news like this!
June 16th, 2014 at 1:35 pm
Can you even believe the woman reported that? My god. She must’ve had a whole bag before she called.
June 16th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Nothing so entertaining in our local paper. But I need to get myself one of those wind cooler jackets!!!
June 16th, 2014 at 1:35 pm
No kidding, me too!
June 16th, 2014 at 3:22 pm
Years ago, when I lived in North Carolina, a dead man was found in a lake. The first paragraph in the local paper read something like this:
a Man’s body was pulled from Oak Hollow yesterday. His hands were tied behind him. Police suspect foul play.
June 16th, 2014 at 8:13 pm
I love those headlines that are so obvious, or don’t make sense at all. I’m pretty sure the poor man didn’t decide to take a swim and tie his *own* hands behind his back!
June 16th, 2014 at 4:01 pm
We have the occasional horse or cow roaming the streets here — even a bear from time to time, but no goats — and no drunkards outside the high school as far as I know. Our police blotter is boring, but I get plenty of phone calls at the clinic from addicts who have had their pain meds “lost” or “stolen” and they want another RX., My favorite was the woman who told me that she had transferred her pain medications from the prescription bottle to a Benedryl bottle (because it was easier to carry), and then JUST the Benedryl bottle fell out of small hole in the bottom of her purse. I can’t tell you how many bottles of pain meds have been 1) stolen from their car 2) stolen from their house 3) stolen from their purse, or 4) ruined by a leaky pipe (I’m still trying to figure out how that happened).
June 16th, 2014 at 8:15 pm
Oh my gosh! Do you ever get one where you think they are telling the truth? I’d hate it if something happened to my meds…but I’d never make up a story that lame, lol!
June 16th, 2014 at 4:39 pm
More entertaining than my local rag 😉
June 16th, 2014 at 8:16 pm
It seems like it comes in waves here. I’m expecting August to be really good, cause it gets so hot people go nuts.
June 17th, 2014 at 2:48 am
June 16th, 2014 at 7:47 pm
I love police blotters! My question is, can the goat and horse be trained to fetch wine coolers and put them into amazingly large pockets? Because that would be totally awesome.
June 16th, 2014 at 8:16 pm
WHY didn’t I think of that?! The horse maybe. Goats are just assholes.
June 17th, 2014 at 5:05 am
Especially those baby goats. They think they are so special because they are cute.
June 17th, 2014 at 7:18 am
They are cute, but they will climb on top of your car or eat your porch just like a big goat. I would never have another goat — unless it was a fainting goat.
June 17th, 2014 at 8:31 am
I have not heard of fainting goats. I sense an hour of my time will be spent googling these creatures.
June 17th, 2014 at 8:42 am
oh shit, you’re in for some fun.
June 17th, 2014 at 8:11 pm
Sweet Baby Jesus that was hilarious. I want a fainting goat!
June 16th, 2014 at 7:56 pm
I love everything about this post. I could not love it more. I wish I had such amazing things to read in my local paper.
June 16th, 2014 at 8:17 pm
Can you believe that search term? I swear I almost died laughing. I just keep reading it again and again. Invisible sweat – awesome – on his balls – even more awesome – while on meth – amazing.
June 17th, 2014 at 6:22 am
My ex allegedly got so drunk once that he passed out on a speed bump because “it made his back feel better.”
June 17th, 2014 at 7:16 am
June 17th, 2014 at 1:37 pm
“invisible sweat dripping off my balls when i’m on meth” might be my favorite search term ever. EVER.
And I swear I am NOT that woman from the October 19th report. Even though evidence suggests otherwise.
June 17th, 2014 at 1:58 pm
Isn’t it the greatest? My glee was just out of this world when I read that. Which is kind of weird – I guess I talk about balls too much?
I totally thought of you this morning! I was like IT WAS HER! With her foxy pockets! Lol.
June 17th, 2014 at 2:38 pm
This reminds me of something that went around when I was in high school about the misprinted church bulletins…..but yours are for real!
June 17th, 2014 at 6:09 pm
Misprinted church bulletins…was it hysterical?
Yes, these are real, and this is why I live deep in the wilderness so none of these crazies can pass out and/or show up at my house naked.
June 23rd, 2014 at 2:19 pm
Here is a link to the list I was thinking of…. http://www.klenger.net/humor/misprints.html
However, when I googled it I found so many more. Enjoy!
June 23rd, 2014 at 2:41 pm
Oh my gosh, those are too good! Thanks for sharing!
June 17th, 2014 at 8:14 pm
Some relatives of mine used to live for some years in this lovely little town in Colorado called Crested Butte. The local paper had a column called “Busted in the Butte” and it was not nearly as colorful as this, mostly running to stolen bikes and the like, but there were some gems now and then.
June 17th, 2014 at 8:16 pm
Busted in the butte! With a name like that I guess they can get away with it.
June 22nd, 2014 at 6:36 pm
Getting the cops involved because your mother won’t stop calling is a thing? My life just got better. 😀
(And your search term is *amazing.*)
June 22nd, 2014 at 6:38 pm
Can you even believe it? And they must’ve been so confused when they ended up here. But I guess “We Don’t Chew Glass” kind of sounds like a place where you might find tips. Like not to chew glass or do meth.
June 22nd, 2014 at 6:44 pm
That’s true…I suppose if you’re drunk/strung out by the side of the road and need assistance with your invisible schweddy balls, ‘We Don’t Chew Glass’ might look like a safe haven…and now I’m cracking up again.
June 22nd, 2014 at 6:49 pm
ME TOO! Hahaha.
June 25th, 2014 at 1:59 pm
I just about wet myself from silent shaking laughter. I should stay off the internet when at work.
June 25th, 2014 at 3:41 pm
Or, don’t try to hold it in. Laugh out loud. Possibly get fired.
Or, maybe Depends?
You’re right, your idea was better.
June 25th, 2014 at 3:44 pm
IDK Depends may work next time! I’ll have to stock up.
September 26th, 2014 at 6:27 am
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