Tag Archives: Pinterest

10 Tips: How To Be A Person


I just realized that, according to my search terms, people are coming here for answers.  Answers to the important questions, like what to do about that invisible ball sweat when you’re cracked out.  Where to go for help if you’ve eaten glass.  When to go to the ER for your I.U.D.

I feel like it’s safe to say I’ve let those people down. 

I don’t have any answers — hell, I don’t even know what I should do most of the time.  But I do like to be helpful.

So I’ve composed a list of Things You Should Do If You Want To Be A Person.

1.  Don’t Chew Glass.  I feel like this should be mostly self-explanatory, but I understand that some people do actually eat things that were never intended to be ingested.  So don’t chew glass, guys.  It will hurt really bad and likely not taste that great.

2.  Don’t do meth.  If you have already done it when you found your way here, don’t do it anymore.  Meth will make your teeth fall out and your personal hygiene will go completely by the wayside.  Greasy hair and no teeth is not a good look for anyone.  Plus, you may have to deal with invisible ball sweat, and nobody wants that.

3.  Don’t trust monkeys.  They might look cute, but they are hairy deviants and I know what I’m talking about.

4.  Don’t teach your kids to talk.  They will never stop and half of what they say will be complaints.  The other half will be embarrassing shit said to strangers, like “My mom thinks it’s funny when people fart.”

5.  Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest.  You might think that I just mess stuff up, but I’ve come to realize that there is an asshole sitting somewhere laughing at all of us attempting his impossibly perfect projects.  Fuck you, perfect asshole.  Beads were never intended to go in the oven and that cake was a goddamned travesty.

6.  Always watch what you’re doing with your head.  One incident with a pancake griddle and I promise you will never live it down.

7.  Carry mace and listen to police officers, but if a police officer tries to mace someone inside a building, run.  Mace is not selective and everybody will go down.

8.  Don’t judge yourself based on your cat’s opinion of you.  Cats can be very cruel, especially if they feel slighted or you’ve brought a new kitten home because you thought they might like a friend. *cries a little*

9.  Collect things, but not things like crabs or the clap.  Be selectively collective. (OH MY GOD THAT’S SO AWESOME!)

10.  Think of righteous sayings and then publicly pat yourself on the back.  *pats back* *nods.* *whispers “selectively collective.”*

I’m Pretty Sure Pinterest Wants Me Dead.

I love Pinterest.  I’m not even going to estimate how much of my life I’ve wasted spent on pinning.  Just now, I was doing some research for this post, and I almost got sucked in.  Watch yourselves, people.  Pinterest is almost as dangerous as Twitter, or even Candy Crush.



I love the projects and ideas I’ve found there and I’ve made a ton of stuff successfully.  But I’ve come to realize that just because somebody pinned something, doesn’t mean it is a good idea. There’s a really funny website called Pinterest, You Are Drunk and there are all sorts of fails and just funny shit that I don’t know why anyone would ever make in the first place…



Slippers made of MAXI PADS??  Seriously?  Who does that? But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about craft ideas that seem totally legit…until you are on fire and you’ve used the fire extinguisher for a different project, so you’re just fucked.



Anyway, Pinterest does not always know best.  I hardly ever click through and go to the page where the pin originated and maybe that’s my problem, because then I could tell if it came from a reputable source, like Martha Stewart, or if it was just some criminal sharing bad ideas.

So, here’s one I tried.  The idea was to put plastic beads into a pie pan and bake until they melted, making a sun catcher.  Just my style – easy.  Only one problem.  I’m not sure plastic beads were made for the oven.  It was like I said, “Hey kids, let’s inhale a bunch of burnt plastic and see what happens.”  The smoke detector went off, we all had headaches, and none of us could take a breath without gagging.  And my damned sun catcher looked like this:

Not what I was going for.

Not what I was going for.

Another idea I got from Pinterest was to put coffee beans in a pretty bowl with a vanilla candle in the center, which sounded like it would smell ah-mazing.  Either I didn’t read the instructions (possible) or there weren’t any, cause this is what I got:

I put the fire out quickly, but those beans were burning.

I put the fire out quickly, but those beans were burning.

Then there was the Fairy Glitter Jar.  Supposedly, mixing a glow stick, glitter, and some other stuff I can’t remember, would produce this:

Nope.  This is not what happened.

Nope. This is not what happened.

I ended up with a jar of what looked like unusually thick, speckled urine.  My Fairy Princess was not impressed.  Although my fairy glitter was not a success, I did try another glow stick experiment for a party my teenage son was having.  It was supposed to make glowing bubbles.  I don’t have a picture, because it was dark and THEY DIDN’T GLOW.  But here’s a picture similar to what my kid and his friends thought of it:

Yeah.  Super impressed.

Yeah. Super impressed.

I’ve got a lot of other cool stuff I want to try, but my husband is really unreasonable and won’t let me have the tools I need.  I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.  I mean, how much damage could I possibly do with a blow torch?

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