Ants Bite and Some Other Stuff

We had to take Thing 3 to have another set of blessed ear tubes put in again to give her some relief from the blasted recurrent ear infections.  Since we live 10 miles outside of Timbuktu, we had quite a drive ahead of us and decided to throw in some family time and make the dreaded trip into a mini-vacay.

We figured the kid wouldn’t remember the tubes, but she might remember that Mommy and Daddy took her to the zoo.

Except we didn’t even make it to the zoo.  (Probably a good thing, since animals are all perverts.) (Or maybe I’m the pervert.  Either way.)

Here are a few things I learned on our way — our long, long way filled with constant chatter from one or all three kids.

1.  Thing 2’s rendition of the Rice Krispies commercial was a bit disconcerting, since he fucked it up horribly.

“What?” he says over our laughter. “It’s crack, smack, Snapple, and pop, right?”

Um….no.  Also, are you on drugs?

2. Thing 3 is 5 years old and is turning into a smartass.  I believe she gets it from her father.

Thing 3:  *Rolls her eyes and sighs* What-EVER!

Thing 2:  Oh no, you’re turning into a woman!

Thing 3:  Your mom’s a woman.

So, my five-year-old is making “your mom” jokes, and I consider that a parenting win.  Even though technically I think I was just insulted.

3. When we finally reached our destination, we headed directly for the pool.  The kids and the husband swam while I found the cutest little patio area outside in the sun to smoke and read the paper.  I discovered that I love sitting quietly while my kids are entertained by something that is not me and is free swimming.

This Is How It's Done.

This Is How It’s Done.

4.  After the pool we had plans for the zoo, but as usual, my body betrayed me and we decided to rest and go to an arcade instead.  The kids had great fun blowing my money, and I found out that Thing 3 thinks I am “the best mommy she’s got” because I drive “TURBO fast” in the go-kart.  Hold your applause; we were the only ones on the track.

Getting ready to tear it up on some go-karts.

Getting ready to tear it up on some go-karts.

5. Then I learned that my gallbladder/heart/liver/something on my insides really does hate me and I almost had to go to the ER because I really know how to ruin have a good time.  I was up most of the night moaning in the bathtub because I felt like an invisible murderous asshole was stabbing me in the stomach.  Luckily for him he was invisible and possibly imaginary.

5.  I learned that I am able to drive a wheelchair about as well as a car, and by that I mean not well at all.  I ran into two people, a bed, a door, and a couple of walls before the wheelchair was confiscated.

6.  The term “ants in your pants” is very apt.  This actually happens and really does cause jiggling, jumping, and general insanity while you are being bitten.  On the ass.  In a parking lot.  I’m sure there is film somewhere of me frantically slapping my own ass and screaming bloody murder.

7.  Ant bites are huge.  I have one for each cheek, so I should know.

8.  I can catch a child’s milkshake vomit in a Wal-Mart sack with a hole in it while driving down the road and not spill any. Yes, I’d like a medal.

9.  My oldest child is an angel and will make someone very lucky one day.  (I actually already knew this one.)  We got home and that kid ordered me to bed, brought me a fan and a washcloth, and helped get the other kids settled.  He’s also adorable and a genius, but calm down ladies, he’s only 15.

10.  If you go to the doctor and check every box that says, “nearly every day” on their little questionnaire and then burst into tears, they are much nicer to you than usual. Today I went to the doctor and had a total meltdown.  And that was before they did an EKG “just to rule out heart problems” and the bastard came back “abnormal.”  Of fucking course it did.  Have I mentioned that my body hates me?

11.  If you have plans for the weekend in spite of the fact that you know you should rest, your doctor will schedule an abundance of tests for Saturday, on just about every internal organ you have.  Then the following week can be spent at cardiologists, gastroenterologists, psychiatrists, and other places well known for fun and games.

12.  If you leave town for two days, your renters might take that as the perfect opportunity to leave town themselves, only they might take all their stuff and not leave any rent money.  Anyone interested in a two bedroom in Timbuktu?


About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

20 responses to “Ants Bite and Some Other Stuff

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Oh! Poor you, your body does seem to hate too. Nice nails though! 😉


  • merbear74

    Damn hateful bods we have…my husband got bit on the sack one time by a black ant. It was hilarious.
    No way I could pull off the zoo without a zippy cart.


  • Mental Mama

    Remind me to never go on vacay with you, unless I feel like urping while you drive.

    Hope the tests aren’t too gawd awful.


    • Steph

      Yes, I would be extremely helpful to you if you have motion sickness. YOU SHOULD TAKE ME ON A CRUISE!

      I’m sure the tests will be fine, except for the part about no eating or drinking after midnight. That part will suck, because we all know I can’t function without coffee, lol.


  • ponymartini

    You are amazing. I think you should get two medals for the puke catch.


  • Jessica Long

    Definitely a medal. The second medal should be for not vomiting yourself or crashing the car. Kudos for that! As for your son, I’ve got an 11 year daughter that I’ll be looking to marry off in a few years. She’s pretty (no I’m not saying that because I’m her mom), uncannily smart, and unfortunately thinks she’s Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. The good news is she wants to be a neurobiologist when she grows up- not a broke ass physicist.


    • Steph

      I’m seriously expecting someone to send me a medal now.

      Hahahaha! Sheldon. What a catch! Is she going to support you in your old age? That’s what I’m really hoping for.


  • Deborah the Closet Monster

    Holy cow, that’s a lot of action! I hope you get some rest (and maintain your lovely sense of humor, if possible) amidst it all.


  • Michelle

    Okay..I hate to hear this. I don’t WANT you to be sick. So cut it out.

    I’ve been bitten by ants before. It’s horrifying. And you’ll have those spots on your ass for months. I had bites all over my foot. The marks were there the entire summer.


    • Steph

      I don’t wanna either, Michelle (that was my super-whiny voice).

      Will they really? They are so big! And it hurts when those bastards bite, doesn’t it?! Ouch, ouch, ouch, slap, slap, slap!


  • gluestickmum

    I heartily approve if your version of ‘swimming’. That’s my favourite kind too.
    Now I’d like a stern word with your body: GIVE THIS POOR WOMAN A BREAK!!! She’s flipping hysterical and needs a body as strong as her wit.
    Ants, you can lay off too. You’re not helping.
    Love your kids though. Just let me know if you want to trade any time.


    • Steph

      Hahaha! A stern word with my body. Love it. Hope she listens to you. And thank you so much! I *guess* I’ll keep the kids for now. Gimme a few days and ask again.


  • Jana

    I feel your pain, Steph — really I do! I just had to have surgery yesterday when my body decided to try to kill me. Being in pain and not knowing why (and imaging all of the worst things) is the worst. I was just glad someone finally took me seriously and took care of the problem. I hope the same for you!!! Let me know.


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