I just realized that, according to my search terms, people are coming here for answers. Answers to the important questions, like what to do about that invisible ball sweat when you’re cracked out. Where to go for help if you’ve eaten glass. When to go to the ER for your I.U.D.
I feel like it’s safe to say I’ve let those people down.
I don’t have any answers — hell, I don’t even know what I should do most of the time. But I do like to be helpful.
So I’ve composed a list of Things You Should Do If You Want To Be A Person.
1. Don’t Chew Glass. I feel like this should be mostly self-explanatory, but I understand that some people do actually eat things that were never intended to be ingested. So don’t chew glass, guys. It will hurt really bad and likely not taste that great.
2. Don’t do meth. If you have already done it when you found your way here, don’t do it anymore. Meth will make your teeth fall out and your personal hygiene will go completely by the wayside. Greasy hair and no teeth is not a good look for anyone. Plus, you may have to deal with invisible ball sweat, and nobody wants that.
3. Don’t trust monkeys. They might look cute, but they are hairy deviants and I know what I’m talking about.
4. Don’t teach your kids to talk. They will never stop and half of what they say will be complaints. The other half will be embarrassing shit said to strangers, like “My mom thinks it’s funny when people fart.”
5. Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest. You might think that I just mess stuff up, but I’ve come to realize that there is an asshole sitting somewhere laughing at all of us attempting his impossibly perfect projects. Fuck you, perfect asshole. Beads were never intended to go in the oven and that cake was a goddamned travesty.
6. Always watch what you’re doing with your head. One incident with a pancake griddle and I promise you will never live it down.
7. Carry mace and listen to police officers, but if a police officer tries to mace someone inside a building, run. Mace is not selective and everybody will go down.
8. Don’t judge yourself based on your cat’s opinion of you. Cats can be very cruel, especially if they feel slighted or you’ve brought a new kitten home because you thought they might like a friend. *cries a little*
9. Collect things, but not things like crabs or the clap. Be selectively collective. (OH MY GOD THAT’S SO AWESOME!)
10. Think of righteous sayings and then publicly pat yourself on the back. *pats back* *nods.* *whispers “selectively collective.”*