Category Archives: Just Being Awesome

June 22, 2014

10 Tips: How To Be A Person

By Steph

say-what

I just realized that, according to my search terms, people are coming here for answers.  Answers to the important questions, like what to do about that invisible ball sweat when you’re cracked out.  Where to go for help if you’ve eaten glass.  When to go to the ER for your I.U.D.

I feel like it’s safe to say I’ve let those people down. 

I don’t have any answers — hell, I don’t even know what I should do most of the time.  But I do like to be helpful.

So I’ve composed a list of Things You Should Do If You Want To Be A Person.

1.  Don’t Chew Glass.  I feel like this should be mostly self-explanatory, but I understand that some people do actually eat things that were never intended to be ingested.  So don’t chew glass, guys.  It will hurt really bad and likely not taste that great.

2.  Don’t do meth.  If you have already done it when you found your way here, don’t do it anymore.  Meth will make your teeth fall out and your personal hygiene will go completely by the wayside.  Greasy hair and no teeth is not a good look for anyone.  Plus, you may have to deal with invisible ball sweat, and nobody wants that.

3.  Don’t trust monkeys.  They might look cute, but they are hairy deviants and I know what I’m talking about.

4.  Don’t teach your kids to talk.  They will never stop and half of what they say will be complaints.  The other half will be embarrassing shit said to strangers, like “My mom thinks it’s funny when people fart.”

5.  Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest.  You might think that I just mess stuff up, but I’ve come to realize that there is an asshole sitting somewhere laughing at all of us attempting his impossibly perfect projects.  Fuck you, perfect asshole.  Beads were never intended to go in the oven and that cake was a goddamned travesty.

6.  Always watch what you’re doing with your head.  One incident with a pancake griddle and I promise you will never live it down.

7.  Carry mace and listen to police officers, but if a police officer tries to mace someone inside a building, run.  Mace is not selective and everybody will go down.

8.  Don’t judge yourself based on your cat’s opinion of you.  Cats can be very cruel, especially if they feel slighted or you’ve brought a new kitten home because you thought they might like a friend. *cries a little*

9.  Collect things, but not things like crabs or the clap.  Be selectively collective. (OH MY GOD THAT’S SO AWESOME!)

10.  Think of righteous sayings and then publicly pat yourself on the back.  *pats back* *nods.* *whispers “selectively collective.”*

47 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Blogging, Just Being Awesome, random bullshit

June 18, 2014

That Time I Accidentally Picked Up a Hooker

By Steph

This was a few years ago, and I’ve mentioned before that my memory is not that great nonexistent, but this is one story I will never forget.

It was around 2005 and my brother lived in a shitty part of a medium-size college town.  I lived (and still do) 50 miles from the nearest bar.  So I visited my brother frequently.  That is to say, I would crash at his place after a night of dancing and/or other bad decisions.

Even I'm not sure what was going on here.

Even I’m not sure what was going on here.

One morning, after what I must assume was a night of excess, I stopped at the convenience store right up the road.  I don’t remember what I had been doing the night before, but I do know I was still wearing the same clothes and I was out of cigarettes.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I must’ve rolled the window down for a smoke.  I remember hearing a shrill voice yelling unintelligible word-sounds.  It didn’t occur to me that I was being yelled at–I just looked out of curiosity, I guess.

What I saw coming towards me was vaguely alarming, but either I was still drunk or just slow, because instead of driving off I just sat there and smoked and waited for this loud stranger to reach my car.  I listened to her through the open window.  I don’t remember what she said or why I let her in my car.  I must have felt some sort of kinship with a woman, stranded, after a wild night…I don’t even know.  I do know that I wasn’t scared before she got in the car.  That’s when everything changed.  My stranded, helpless woman turned into something remarkably similar to this:

tvspoileralert.com

tvspoileralert.com

I wasn’t even out of the parking lot before she started ranting.  Turns out, her pimp friend had brought her to this street and left her the night before, but the gentleman she was supposed to visit with told her he didn’t like her because she talked too much and her hair was ugly. (Nothing like picture above.)  So he didn’t pay her.  Her pimp friend wouldn’t come get her, she didn’t have any money or drugs, and she was about to stab somebody.

By then I had kind of realized that a stabby hooker in my car was not an ideal situation.

That’s when she started getting really agitated.  She was wearing a sweatshirt with a pocket on the front and had her hands in the pocket.  I was driving, but she kept getting right in my face, leaning across the console to make her point.  She was so wound up that there was spit flying from her mouth, and she kept getting closer and louder and I just knew something painful was about to happen.  I didn’t know what the hell she was doing with her hands, but it was making me exceedingly nervous.  I was all the way up against my door trying to get some space, all while driving this woman who won’t stop yelling long enough to give me directions.

I distracted her with a cigarette and pulled over in a parking lot.  We’d gone about two miles.  I had no idea what to do with her; I just wanted to get her out of my car before she stabbed me.  But she wouldn’t stop screeching and she wouldn’t get out.  She was literally bouncing in the seat, but at least she didn’t have her hands in her pocket anymore.

I think this was about the time when she came down to earth enough to realize that this silly bitch in the driver’s seat was scared shitless.

I ended up cringing as far away as I could get while she told me her name (Pearl), where she was from (Texas), what she was going to do to the guy who left her last night (not pretty), and finally, that she just needed a liiiiiittle bit of money to get her by.  Whatever I had would be good.  Oh, I only had $10?  Well, how about that pack of cigarettes too then?  Yeah?  Okay, lemme write down your number, cause I’m gonna call you when I can pay you back.

The ONLY good decision I made that morning was not giving this woman my phone number.

I almost forgot! (Okay, I did forget.) Do YOU have any crazy hooker stories?  I can’t be the only one!

53 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos

June 8, 2014

Bugs Are Giant Assholes.

By Steph

Ticks are dicks.  Seriously.

Commonly known as the Vampire Asshat of the insect world, ticks feed off the blood of their innocent victims.  If you are not lucky enough to live in an environment where ticks, chiggers, snakes, and other horrible slithery-crawly things abound, let me give you a visual.

Actual size may vary.  Generally the size of a freckle, not a baseball as depicted above.

This guy is the neighbor who comes over uninvited, unannounced, irritates your pets, and makes you uncomfortable and twitchy.  This little creep latches on and sucks your blood.  Hello?  How is that not a vampire?  It is.  Just because it doesn’t sparkle is no reason to write off this tiny killer.

I’ve bitched written about my allergy to meat before.  Well, this is the little bastard that caused the allergy:

viracor.com

viracor.com

The Lone Star Tick.  The cruelest and most evil insect of them all.  The one that turns you…VEGAN.  *gasp*  *pause for shock and awe*  *nods head wisely but with visible sadness.*  *looks stoic and perhaps a bit romantic*

Right?!  This shit is just effing ridiculous.  (That may be the first time I’ve ever typed effing.  It doesn’t feel right.)

But I digress.  Here are the facts about this bitch ass tick who stole my steak:

1.  Little motherfuckers are found everywhere.  It is all over the US and in Australia and other countries where ticks are known to live.  My yard is a popular gathering place for ticks.  I believe it may be the Cabo of creepy things I’d rather live without.

2.  Everyone who gets bit by a Lone Star tick is not gong to get this allergy.  And it comes in different levels, kind of.  Because I have always been an overachiever, I am not fucking around with this allergy.  If I have to be allergic to mammals, I’m taking that shit all the way.  Ye-ah, I will WIN at allergies.  Yep.

3.  The allergy is Alpha-Gal IgE — it’s a reaction to a sugar-protein called Galactose-alpha-1,3-galactose.  Some people have struggled with it for over 20 years, but research has only been done on this allergy for about the last 5 years.  (Basically, no one knows shit yet, except keep Benadryl and an Epi-Pen handy so you won’t die.)  Alpha-Gal.org has what little information there is on this allergy.

4.  The AG allergy made me allergic to anything that comes from a mammal, including milk and animal byproducts which are in EVERYTHING.  Yes, I am aware of how insane that sounds.  No, I am not making it up.

5.  Basically at this point the only things I can eat safely are fresh fruits and vegetables, along with chicken, turkey, and fish.  (I hate fish.)  (It’s growing on me.)

So, all this from a fucking tick?  The researchers think so.  Not many doctors even know about this yet, so it was hard to get the diagnosis until my blood tests came back positive for beef and pork allergies.

My doctor looked me square in the face after I described an allergic reaction with trouble breathing (anaphylaxis) and asked me if I knew that sometimes a “hard poop can make you break a sweat and feel like something is wrong.”

Oh no he didn’t.  (Yes, he actually did.  Fucker.)  I guess at 34 I know the difference between taking a shit and not being able to breathe.

Some days I handle it better than others.  Some doctors say it will go away in time (my allergist said possibly 5 to 7 years without any new bites) but some say it won’t.  I just got three new bites this weekend, while wearing bug spray and walking in a yard that had been treated for ticks.

And, I just realized, like right this second, that humans are mammals too so there goes any chance of survival if I were ever in some sort of situation where I had to eat a person to live.  Fuck.

Do you have any weird allergies?  Has your doctor ever treated you like you were a fucking five-year-old?  Do you think you could handle a diet like mine, or are you already a super healthy eater without being forced into it?  What are your thoughts on cannibalism?  (J/K, please don’t eat anybody.)

56 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, nature hates me, random bullshit, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

May 15, 2014

Wild Things and Some Animals Too.

By Steph

A couple of weeks ago I agreed to go with the Pre-K on their field trip to a drive-thru safari.

I know.  I’m insane.

Anyway.  Parents weren’t allowed on the bus (thank god), so I had to drive myself.  Since it was about a two-hour trip, I told the teacher I’d have to stop and stretch a few times.  Luckily for me, it turned out to be a big craft fair weekend, so my stretches took place at little yard sales along the way.

After that, I got lost once and had to wait for a train twice, so I ended up missing the bus tour of the drive-thru part of the safari.  I made it just in time for lunch and walking around what basically amounted to a huge farm with one bathroom and about 500 kids under 5 years old.

The kids had an absolute blast, the animals seemed used to all the fuss, and I learned a few valuable lessons.

 

Pinterest

Pinterest

 

1.  If a monkey has a pacifier in its mouth, there is probably a good reason for it.  We thought this little guy was so cute…until he started pulling on his monkey penis right in front of all the little kids.  Try explaining that to a 5-year-0ld girl.  I think I said something like, “What the — oh, look, a giraffe!”

WP_20140502_037

Degenerate Monkey.

 

2.  Giraffes have the longest, prettiest eyelashes I have ever seen.  Also, they seem very dainty for something 20 feet tall.

WP_20140502_047

Also, I think she’s British. We were feeding her lettuce, but I feel like she really wanted a cup o’ tea.

 

3.  This tiny monkey is wearing a diaper (and I guess we all know why).  I think generally he gets to be held and petted, but much like the kangaroos, was not up for the horde of little people who descended that day.

 

A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.

A baby monkey, tearing your heart out with his tiny sad face.

 

*Note:  I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me.  When we went to a different zoo-like place about a month ago, I asked my husband if he noticed that a particular ape-creature had gigantic balls.  He was horrified and claimed not to have “been looking.”  I don’t know how you could have missed them.  Also, have you seen a rhinoceros up close?  Jesus Christ.

 

4.  Goats can be very judgmental.  This goat is judging me right now.

 

The fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?

What the fuck is wrong with you, lady, walking around looking at monkey privates?

 

All in all, it was a fun day, even if I did learn a bit too much about animal anatomy.

45 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, total chaos

May 7, 2014

People of Walmart Fight Back

By Steph

Today has been overly eventful. I feel like a fretful child who has just come from a birthday party (with clowns) where she ate too much cake and is now crying because she is tired and sticky and has to bathe.

Except I didn’t go to a party, I’m not a child, and I’m not planning on bathing.

My day started with a two hour drive to see an allergist who actually knows her ass from a hole in the ground. It was refreshing. The actual allergy testing, not so much.

And I did this voluntarily. I told you I was crazy.

Believe it or not, I actually have a normal-sized arm. Pictures can be deceiving.

I was early for my appointment because I underestimated how awesome I am at directions, so I ended up with some free time to explore the town. I deduced that the citizens of this place would be fancier and in better shape than my unkempt self, basing this solely on the ungodly amount of gyms and hair, nail, and tanning salons.

This would later prove to be an utterly false assumption.

I’m sure you’ve all seen People of Walmart. If not, you better go take a peek. I’ll wait.

walmart

And you thought I was weird.

Anyway, I was super tired by the time I got to the store. I gathered up my few purchases after searching all over that motherfucker for mothballs just like I do every single time (they are by the ironing boards, just like always), and went to the checkout.

I chose Express Checkout 20 Items or Less based on the cashier. Not too old, not too young. The old ones are slow and follow every single rule. I don’t have time for that price check bullshit. I’ll give you a dollar for it. The really young ones are the same way. What you want is a checker who has been there long enough that the brainwashing has worn off, or one who just loves people so much that they will do anything in their power to make your shopping experience end well.

There was a group of three shoppers in front of me; Dad in an electric cart, and a grown man and woman who in my mind became brother and sister, but in reality I have no idea.  Anyway. I knew we were all fucked when my perfect cashier up and left. The young man who replaced her was one of those guys who you know just loved telling people, “I’m sorry. It’s store policy.” while staring at you blankly even though you have a binder and obviously know how to fucking coupon, dude!

The lady in front of me didn’t like it either. He was screwing up her coupons, the line was getting all long and shit, and her face was getting red and blotchy.  Next thing, Checker-Guy walks off with a coupon, presumably to verify something, but I think he was just gassy.

At this point, my legs were killing me. My cart happened to be next to the empty checkout which, had it held another cashier, could have saved us all some grief, Walmart. So I took a seat on the bagging carousel and opened my Coke. The cashier finally returned and never said a word about the delay. Let me remind you that we were in the Express Lane. He finally gets all the lady’s coupons in and…she thinks he messed up. She requires a printout and then verifies each and every coupon, I assume for each of her 20 items BECAUSE THE SIGN CLEARLY SAID 20 ITEMS OR LESS. She was obviously very flustered and I felt for her, I really did. It wasn’t her fault she was trying to save money and her dad is disabled and her brother wears funny pants. Goddamn it, life.

She goes to pay (finally) and drops her debit card. Of course, since this is a fucking comedy of errors, it falls between the motorized cart and the counter. She can’t reach it and Dad seems oblivious, or maybe he just wasn’t moving fast enough for her. Next thing I know, she grabs the basket of the motorized cart with both hands and shoves it backwards, Dad and all, directly into my shopping cart, which slams into me, knocking me off my perch in the bagging area and into the wall of the checkout behind me. All this happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to curse. It was like a row of dominoes, and I was the last one.

Or get your ass kicked; either way.

Or get your ass kicked; either way.

Doesn’t-Give-A-Shit-Cashier didn’t even look at me. Violent Coupon Lady paid for her stuff and stomped away.  Silly-Pants Brother laughed at me (I laughed back) and asked if I was okay, and Dad In the Cart said “Whoa. This thing has reverse?”

I was over my limit on interacting with people before I even went in the store.  Then I got assaulted. With a shopping cart. Today I have been poked, scratched, told my nose is crooked and has a crease in it and that I have dark circles under my eyes, was covered in itch dots, had blood drawn, talked to 11 strangers, and been knocked ass over teakettle in a grocery store.

fort

78 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor