Author Archives: Steph

About Steph

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I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often.
October 12, 2013

Voicemail blows and I just realized I’m not sure what century it is.

By Steph

I am starting a movement, and I expect my readers to get behind me on this (all 12 of you).

We are living in the 21st century (I think.  21st?  Does that sound right?  Whatever.)  Voicemails are old fucking news.  Effective immediately, we should all start completely ignoring them.  I’m a little ahead of the rest of you on this, but that’s because I got a pretty good head start (about 5 years).

Seriously.  No one ever leaves a chipper voicemail.  It’s all cranky bullshit, like “Call me back.  Click.” or “Please return my call.”  Fuck that.  I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.   Occasionally my husband will just leave fart noises, but that’s really as good as it gets.

If you call me and I don’t answer, I can pretty much guarantee that there is a reason.  Maybe I don’t feel like talking.  Maybe I don’t have cell service.  Maybe a purse monster ate my phone.  Maybe I’m in the bathroom.  Maybe I don’t like you, or I’m having one of those days where I hate everyone, including myself.  The possibilities are endless, really.

Anyway, leaving me 15 voicemails, each pissier (how can that not be a word?) than the last is NOT going to make me return your call.

I have caller ID.  We all do. 

For fuck’s sake, if it’s that important send me a text.  Or a pigeon.  I would totally reply by messenger bird.

Okay, enough ranting.  Now planning.

So, I hope you will all join me in my crusade to rid the world of this great evil, this guilt-inducing, joy-sucking government plot, this heinous OUTRAGE, The Voicemail.  (It even sounds bad.  Like blackmail.  Voicemail. Blackmail.  See?  I’m doing this for all of us.)

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in random bullshit

October 7, 2013

I need to borrow a mongoose. Immediately.

By Steph

Initially, I thought honey badger, because as we all know, honey badgers don’t give a fuck.

But apparently they are illegal in the U.S. or some shit; although, whoever is in charge of stopping me from smuggling in non-fuck-giving animals is probably out of a job right now, so I bet I could pull it off.

I’m kind of scared though.  After thinking about it (you’re welcome, Gus) I decided that a honey badger in the house might be more scary than a snake.  Or snakes.  Which is what we currently have.

Goddammit!  I live in the country because I don’t like people.  I did NOT issue an open invitation to anything poisonous, scaly, creepy, slithery, or slimy.  Basically, unless you are a dragon or a cat, you are not welcome here.

And the cat is fast wearing out her welcome.  I’d like to know just what the FUCK she is doing when she’s dashing all about the house like she’s got super important shit to do, when I’m on the couch and a snake can just blatantly slither up to me.  Where was LeeLoo The Vicious Moth Killer and Protector of the Realm then, huh?  Sitting on her ASS.  Much like when a lizard got in my bedroom, and she PURPOSELY ignored my cries for help.

I don’t know.  I’m being overrun by nature’s most disgusting creatures right now.  I need some tips, or to borrow a mongoose.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in nature hates me, total chaos

October 2, 2013

There’s an app for that….

By Steph

As you know, assuming you’ve been reading this blog religiously, as you should be, I have been going through some dietary changes.  I’m going to refer to this as the Foodpocalypse.  Because it fucking sucks and, also, because I can.

Anyway.  I’ve been looking at apps on my phone to help me determine just what the fuck is in the food I eat, in an effort to stay alive and not be so damn hungry.

In my app search I have NOT found anything useful.  I have found some very disturbing apps which I am going to list here, because I am bored good at sharing.

1.  Massager.  By Hooha.  I don’t think I need to explain this one.

2.  How To Get Pregnant (Here’s a tip, if you’re using your phone on your hooha, you’re doing it wrong.)

3.  Am I Fat?  Seriously?  You need an app for that?

4.  App of Death “The test performed does not indicate that you’ll die…it’s just a prediction….stay calm.”  O-kay.

5.  How to Grow Taller  This one is by the same person who also knows How to French Kiss, How to be a Hipster, and also How to Call in Sick.  A certifiable very knowledgeable person, this one.

Gotta run.  App of Death just finished downloading, so I may or may not be back later.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

September 27, 2013

R.I.P. Meat

By Steph

Well, all the tests are back and it is official, I am now allergic to meat.  Thank you Lone Star tick, you little bastard.

If you don’t know what in the hell I’m talking about, Google “alpha-gal.”

I’m happy to know I’m not a nutcase (regarding this issue; I am very aware that I am, in fact, mostly crazy).

It has long been my rule that if it lived in water at any time, it does not go on my plate.  Clearly, I’m going to have to reassess.  Yesterday I had chocolate pie for breakfast.  This doesn’t seem like a good long-term plan.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

September 17, 2013

I know best.

By Steph

You know how when you know what’s best for someone else, but they won’t do what you say?  Think of this post as a public service announcement.   Some of us know exactly what the fuck we are talking about. You should listen.  Case in point:

My mom wanted to borrow a book from me.  Reasons this was a bad idea:

1.  I hate lending my books.
2.  I knew she wouldn’t like it.
3.  I hate lending my books.

I tried to tell her.  She insisted.

Me:  You won’t like that one.

Mom:  Why do you say that?  It sounds good.

Me:  She’s too dark.  You are not going to like that book.  Plus, there are lesbians.

Mom:  *huffy* You think I don’t like gay people?

Me:  I think you are going to hate that book, and probably lose it, and I HAVEN’T EVEN READ IT YET.

Mom:  I’ll bring it back.  I’ll even bring back the other one I borrowed.  (THIS.  This is why I hate lending books.)

I’m finally like, “Take the damn book.  But I want it and any other books back in a reasonable amount of time or I’m fining you.”   (I didn’t really say that.  But that’s a good idea.)

Anyway.  A day or so later she brings it back with this horrible look on her face and says, “Here.  I can’t read this.  It’s just…it’s too…this book isn’t good.”

I’m intrigued.  I knew she wouldn’t enjoy it, but if anything, I expected her to start it, forget about it, and me find it under her bed a year from now.  The fact that she brought it back holding it out like it was going to bite her was a little confusing to me.

So I started it last night.  Holy shit.  Guys.  I let my mom borrow a book in which the first two chapters include not only steamy lesbian sex, but a strap-on dildo, and extremely detailed descriptions of some rather creative pairings, such as unicorn-on-human.  (That might should be human-on-unicorn.  I’m not really clear on this.)

I think this may have cured her of borrowing my stuff.

(I told her she wouldn’t like it.)

 

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in random bullshit