Author Archives: Steph

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often.

September 17, 2013

I know best.

By Steph

You know how when you know what’s best for someone else, but they won’t do what you say? Think of this post as a public service announcement. Some of us know exactly what the fuck we are talking about. You should listen. Case in point:

My mom wanted to borrow a book from me. Reasons this was a bad idea:

1. I hate lending my books.
2. I knew she wouldn’t like it.
3. I hate lending my books.

I tried to tell her. She insisted.

Me: You won’t like that one.

Mom: Why do you say that? It sounds good.

Me: She’s too dark. You are not going to like that book. Plus, there are lesbians.

Mom: *huffy* You think I don’t like gay people?

Me: I think you are going to hate that book, and probably lose it, and I HAVEN’T EVEN READ IT YET.

Mom: I’ll bring it back. I’ll even bring back the other one I borrowed. (THIS. This is why I hate lending books.)

I’m finally like, “Take the damn book. But I want it and any other books back in a reasonable amount of time or I’m fining you.” (I didn’t really say that. But that’s a good idea.)

Anyway. A day or so later she brings it back with this horrible look on her face and says, “Here. I can’t read this. It’s just…it’s too…this book isn’t good.”

I’m intrigued. I knew she wouldn’t enjoy it, but if anything, I expected her to start it, forget about it, and me find it under her bed a year from now. The fact that she brought it back holding it out like it was going to bite her was a little confusing to me.

So I started it last night. Holy shit. Guys. I let my mom borrow a book in which the first two chapters include not only steamy lesbian sex, but a strap-on dildo, and extremely detailed descriptions of some rather creative pairings, such as unicorn-on-human. (That might should be human-on-unicorn. I’m not really clear on this.)

I think this may have cured her of borrowing my stuff.

(I told her she wouldn’t like it.)

2 Comments | tags: all knowing, bad ideas, books, borrow, caitlin kiernan, lending, reading | posted in random bullshit

September 10, 2013

Can you have dementia at 33?

By Steph

This morning I had to go to town, which always sucks, and I had to talk to not only my son’s doctor but also my therapist, who is amazingly insightful and very, very good at what she does. This is a recipe for disaster. I’ve threatened to fire the woman numerous times because she is that good. Anyway, I went, I did what I was supposed to do, yay me.

On the way home, I was hurting really bad (because I didn’t take my meds this morning because I was driving my kid *pats self on back*) so I dug out my medicine and tried to swallow and then realized I did not have a drink. So I choked on the nasty little pill, and then started thinking that my esophagus must not be normal sized, and I was going to stop breathing, and wasn’t it ironic that I was going to die in a car accident while choking on a pill that is supposed to make me feel better.

This is the kind of crazy we’re dealing with here, people. I eventually found an extra-strength 5-hour energy drink in my purse and drank that so I wouldn’t choke to death. Then my purse fell off the seat, exposing the full bottle of water I had just gotten in town less than five minutes before this whole debacle.

Now I am alive, which is good, not too worried about my esophagus, which is also good, but quite a bit wound up, which could be either good or bad. I think we should all probably be thankful that my husband still refuses to let me have a blow torch.

Leave a comment | tags: anxiety, breathing, calm down, choking hazard, crazy, dementia, losing it | posted in your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

September 4, 2013

Unwilling vegan

By Steph

I am SO UPSET.

I ate this:

And then THIS happened:

I’m also really good at art.

Then I ate this:

Please see above picture of itchy red me.

I have almost died four times in the last two weeks. I may be exaggerating a little. But maybe not. It’s been bad. Wtf, y’all, is this even legal?? I am on an all Pop Tart and coffee diet until further notice.

Leave a comment | tags: Alpha-Gal, breathing, coffee, food allergy, hives, hungry, itchy, pop tarts | posted in nature hates me, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

August 27, 2013

Obviously, I failed Home Ec.

By Steph

This is an excerpt from an article by Kristen Fisher on Ehow:

Bundt pans Vs. Angel food pans

While the two cake pans look similar, they should not be used interchangeably. Bundt cake batter and angel food cake batter have different consistencies. Angel food cake batter is usually frothier; baking a Bundt cake in an angel food pan may cause the batter to leak out from the removable bottom.

One might think this should be fairly obvious. It’s not. I think this is why people call me “book smart.”

Here’s the full link, in case you are similarly challenged. Please note, although the article doesn’t specifically mention it, an angel food pan should also not be used for monkey bread. Ever.

http://www.ehow.com/facts_5531054_bundt-angel-food-cake-pan.html

P.S. I didn’t know what to do at that point – I mean, the house was already full of smoke, so….I decided to finish baking the monkey bread. I did not know this was even possible, but the burners on my stove actually filled with liquid and started smoking. My kids are yelling at me for taking pictures. I’m so glad my husband is not home.

P.P.S. Why is my smoke detector that goes off every time I make toast not going off when there is literally a black cloud over the whole kitchen and half the house?

P.P.P.S. Do you think the monkey bread is going to taste bad?