I feel like this turtle today. Except some slightly drunk people in canoes helped this guy out, and so far today I’m not seeing any drunk people. Or canoes. Dammit. Where is karma when you need that bitch?
Author Archives: Steph
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What? It still kind of seems like a good idea.
Conversation with my husband about glue traps:
*It might be helpful to know that the glue trap in question here is stuck facedown on my porch with a dead snake presumably still stuck on the other side. Long story. Suffice to say, I don’t like snakes in the house, and I make questionable decisions when under pressure.
Me: It’s rained so much, we might be able to get that glue trap up. But there’s still a snake under there, so…
Him: That thing is never coming up. I suggest we just paint over it.
Me: Hm. (Not thrilled.)
Him: We could just staple glue traps up, sticky side out, all over the outside of the house. Paper the house in glue traps.
Me: OH MY GOD! That would be good for spiders, snakes, ZOMBIES…..
Him: (laughing) That was a joke.
Me: ….bees, Jehovah’s Witnesses….this is brilliant.
Him: We’re not doing that. You know that, right?
Me: Hm. (Not making any promises, mister.)
Later…..
Me: I decided that you are right. We shouldn’t cover the outside of the house with glue.
Him: Uh, yeah, I thought we already decided that.
Me: (closing the cabinet door so he can see the glue trap taped to the door, and the bowl stuck on it, hanging in the air.) No, we didn’t decide anything, but I’m a reasonable person. I’ve thought about it, and it’s a bad idea. (bowl hanging next to my face.)
Him: Reasonable!? It’s not “reasonable” when you only agree with yourself!
Me: Hm.
When you share my posts, it brings me more joy than I can express. I know that bc I've spent the last hour trying to express it.
It’s a disinfectant kind of day.
It’s not even noon and I’ve been covered in a small human’s urine twice already.
This is motherhood, people. Think on it.
I’ve got to go clean up after my cat, who has apparently decided that her litter box may only be used one time before she has to go in the floor to teach me a lesson.
If Cleanliness is next to Godliness, then I am currently living in the Devil’s asshole.
When you share my posts, it brings me more joy than I can express. I know that bc I've spent the last hour trying to express it.
I can give the bird left handed, so there.
Oh Chronic Pain, you evil, sneaking, rotten bitch, how I loathe you. My dinner sits uneaten because I can’t use my right hand. What fresh hell is this?
It’s not enough that my bones hate me and plague me with random deep agonies Every. Single. Day?
It’s not enough that my skin burns for unknown reasons and requires me to put ice packs on my feet to fall asleep on those nights that I don’t have to immerse the bitches in boiling water to make my skin stop crawling?
It’s not enough that I lose at least a week out of every month lying in a darkened room, hoping someone will just shoot me or that my head will finally spontaneously combust?
Chronic Pain, you miserable slut, is it too much to ask for you to just pick one part of my body to torment?
*Please note that I realize there are worse things I could be saddled with, I am sincerely grateful for all that I have, and none of this shit I’ve got is going to kill me. So everybody just calm the fuck down.
When you share my posts, it brings me more joy than I can express. I know that bc I've spent the last hour trying to express it.
She got that class from her mother.
So my daughter is 4. She occasionally does stuff and I’m like, What The Fuck? Where did that come from?
Because, although you couldn’t tell it by my blog, we’re actually pretty strict parents. Anyway.
She’s started doing this thing where she wiggles her butt and sings “shake it, baby.” It’s a little disconcerting. I could not think where she might have seen this.
Then I turned on my cleaning music today, and started shaking it. Yep.
I think knowing all the words to California Love at just four years old shows great memorization and lyrical skills. Not to mention all the exercise she gets “shakin it.”
For anyone unfortunate enough to not be hip to the 90s rap, here you are, and you’re welcome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDZ961xhNEo
We Don't Chew Glass 