I am starting a movement, and I expect my readers to get behind me on this (all 12 of you).
We are living in the 21st century (I think. 21st? Does that sound right? Whatever.) Voicemails are old fucking news. Effective immediately, we should all start completely ignoring them. I’m a little ahead of the rest of you on this, but that’s because I got a pretty good head start (about 5 years).
Seriously. No one ever leaves a chipper voicemail. It’s all cranky bullshit, like “Call me back. Click.” or “Please return my call.” Fuck that. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Occasionally my husband will just leave fart noises, but that’s really as good as it gets.
If you call me and I don’t answer, I can pretty much guarantee that there is a reason. Maybe I don’t feel like talking. Maybe I don’t have cell service. Maybe a purse monster ate my phone. Maybe I’m in the bathroom. Maybe I don’t like you, or I’m having one of those days where I hate everyone, including myself. The possibilities are endless, really.
Anyway, leaving me 15 voicemails, each pissier (how can that not be a word?) than the last is NOT going to make me return your call.
I have caller ID. We all do.
For fuck’s sake, if it’s that important send me a text. Or a pigeon. I would totally reply by messenger bird.
Okay, enough ranting. Now planning.
So, I hope you will all join me in my crusade to rid the world of this great evil, this guilt-inducing, joy-sucking government plot, this heinous OUTRAGE, The Voicemail. (It even sounds bad. Like blackmail. Voicemail. Blackmail. See? I’m doing this for all of us.)