Voicemail blows and I just realized I’m not sure what century it is.

I am starting a movement, and I expect my readers to get behind me on this (all 12 of you).

We are living in the 21st century (I think.  21st?  Does that sound right?  Whatever.)  Voicemails are old fucking news.  Effective immediately, we should all start completely ignoring them.  I’m a little ahead of the rest of you on this, but that’s because I got a pretty good head start (about 5 years).

Seriously.  No one ever leaves a chipper voicemail.  It’s all cranky bullshit, like “Call me back.  Click.” or “Please return my call.”  Fuck that.  I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.   Occasionally my husband will just leave fart noises, but that’s really as good as it gets.

If you call me and I don’t answer, I can pretty much guarantee that there is a reason.  Maybe I don’t feel like talking.  Maybe I don’t have cell service.  Maybe a purse monster ate my phone.  Maybe I’m in the bathroom.  Maybe I don’t like you, or I’m having one of those days where I hate everyone, including myself.  The possibilities are endless, really.

Anyway, leaving me 15 voicemails, each pissier (how can that not be a word?) than the last is NOT going to make me return your call.

I have caller ID.  We all do. 

For fuck’s sake, if it’s that important send me a text.  Or a pigeon.  I would totally reply by messenger bird.

Okay, enough ranting.  Now planning.

So, I hope you will all join me in my crusade to rid the world of this great evil, this guilt-inducing, joy-sucking government plot, this heinous OUTRAGE, The Voicemail.  (It even sounds bad.  Like blackmail.  Voicemail. Blackmail.  See?  I’m doing this for all of us.)

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

4 responses to “Voicemail blows and I just realized I’m not sure what century it is.

  • itwentawry

    No one ever seems to leave me actual voicemail – The only ones I get are from my mother, or the drugstore – who is never calling for me anyway. They are always calling for someone who has given our number for some reason.We do have a kind of funny lady who calls our house number on occasion (for the past five years) and is always looking for Carl. She's too entertaining to ignore – because she will call up and yell ala Redd Foxx, about how she is going to be late, or how she is waiting outside. We are kind of attached to her, and never have the heart to call her back and tell her she has the wrong number – though my husband answered the phone a couple of days ago and spoke to her directly, he came back into our room with the biggest beaming smile on his face.The type of voicemail YOU are referring to though… yeah. Thats just icky. You need a 'Hey Carl!' Lady in your life to break up the ick.


  • Renee Crowdersmith

    I totally do need a "Hey Carl" Lady! Spreading happiness one crazy phone call at a time. I love it.


  • aussalorens.com

    SERIOUSLY. I hate voicemails and never listen to them.


  • Renee Crowdersmith

    Right? The satisfaction I get from jabbing "delete all" could only be surpassed by never having to do it again.


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