Author Archives: Steph

About Steph

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I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often.
June 22, 2014

10 Tips: How To Be A Person

By Steph

say-what

I just realized that, according to my search terms, people are coming here for answers.  Answers to the important questions, like what to do about that invisible ball sweat when you’re cracked out.  Where to go for help if you’ve eaten glass.  When to go to the ER for your I.U.D.

I feel like it’s safe to say I’ve let those people down. 

I don’t have any answers — hell, I don’t even know what I should do most of the time.  But I do like to be helpful.

So I’ve composed a list of Things You Should Do If You Want To Be A Person.

1.  Don’t Chew Glass.  I feel like this should be mostly self-explanatory, but I understand that some people do actually eat things that were never intended to be ingested.  So don’t chew glass, guys.  It will hurt really bad and likely not taste that great.

2.  Don’t do meth.  If you have already done it when you found your way here, don’t do it anymore.  Meth will make your teeth fall out and your personal hygiene will go completely by the wayside.  Greasy hair and no teeth is not a good look for anyone.  Plus, you may have to deal with invisible ball sweat, and nobody wants that.

3.  Don’t trust monkeys.  They might look cute, but they are hairy deviants and I know what I’m talking about.

4.  Don’t teach your kids to talk.  They will never stop and half of what they say will be complaints.  The other half will be embarrassing shit said to strangers, like “My mom thinks it’s funny when people fart.”

5.  Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest.  You might think that I just mess stuff up, but I’ve come to realize that there is an asshole sitting somewhere laughing at all of us attempting his impossibly perfect projects.  Fuck you, perfect asshole.  Beads were never intended to go in the oven and that cake was a goddamned travesty.

6.  Always watch what you’re doing with your head.  One incident with a pancake griddle and I promise you will never live it down.

7.  Carry mace and listen to police officers, but if a police officer tries to mace someone inside a building, run.  Mace is not selective and everybody will go down.

8.  Don’t judge yourself based on your cat’s opinion of you.  Cats can be very cruel, especially if they feel slighted or you’ve brought a new kitten home because you thought they might like a friend. *cries a little*

9.  Collect things, but not things like crabs or the clap.  Be selectively collective. (OH MY GOD THAT’S SO AWESOME!)

10.  Think of righteous sayings and then publicly pat yourself on the back.  *pats back* *nods.* *whispers “selectively collective.”*

47 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Blogging, Just Being Awesome, random bullshit

June 18, 2014

That Time I Accidentally Picked Up a Hooker

By Steph

This was a few years ago, and I’ve mentioned before that my memory is not that great nonexistent, but this is one story I will never forget.

It was around 2005 and my brother lived in a shitty part of a medium-size college town.  I lived (and still do) 50 miles from the nearest bar.  So I visited my brother frequently.  That is to say, I would crash at his place after a night of dancing and/or other bad decisions.

Even I'm not sure what was going on here.

Even I’m not sure what was going on here.

One morning, after what I must assume was a night of excess, I stopped at the convenience store right up the road.  I don’t remember what I had been doing the night before, but I do know I was still wearing the same clothes and I was out of cigarettes.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I must’ve rolled the window down for a smoke.  I remember hearing a shrill voice yelling unintelligible word-sounds.  It didn’t occur to me that I was being yelled at–I just looked out of curiosity, I guess.

What I saw coming towards me was vaguely alarming, but either I was still drunk or just slow, because instead of driving off I just sat there and smoked and waited for this loud stranger to reach my car.  I listened to her through the open window.  I don’t remember what she said or why I let her in my car.  I must have felt some sort of kinship with a woman, stranded, after a wild night…I don’t even know.  I do know that I wasn’t scared before she got in the car.  That’s when everything changed.  My stranded, helpless woman turned into something remarkably similar to this:

tvspoileralert.com

tvspoileralert.com

I wasn’t even out of the parking lot before she started ranting.  Turns out, her pimp friend had brought her to this street and left her the night before, but the gentleman she was supposed to visit with told her he didn’t like her because she talked too much and her hair was ugly. (Nothing like picture above.)  So he didn’t pay her.  Her pimp friend wouldn’t come get her, she didn’t have any money or drugs, and she was about to stab somebody.

By then I had kind of realized that a stabby hooker in my car was not an ideal situation.

That’s when she started getting really agitated.  She was wearing a sweatshirt with a pocket on the front and had her hands in the pocket.  I was driving, but she kept getting right in my face, leaning across the console to make her point.  She was so wound up that there was spit flying from her mouth, and she kept getting closer and louder and I just knew something painful was about to happen.  I didn’t know what the hell she was doing with her hands, but it was making me exceedingly nervous.  I was all the way up against my door trying to get some space, all while driving this woman who won’t stop yelling long enough to give me directions.

I distracted her with a cigarette and pulled over in a parking lot.  We’d gone about two miles.  I had no idea what to do with her; I just wanted to get her out of my car before she stabbed me.  But she wouldn’t stop screeching and she wouldn’t get out.  She was literally bouncing in the seat, but at least she didn’t have her hands in her pocket anymore.

I think this was about the time when she came down to earth enough to realize that this silly bitch in the driver’s seat was scared shitless.

I ended up cringing as far away as I could get while she told me her name (Pearl), where she was from (Texas), what she was going to do to the guy who left her last night (not pretty), and finally, that she just needed a liiiiiittle bit of money to get her by.  Whatever I had would be good.  Oh, I only had $10?  Well, how about that pack of cigarettes too then?  Yeah?  Okay, lemme write down your number, cause I’m gonna call you when I can pay you back.

The ONLY good decision I made that morning was not giving this woman my phone number.

I almost forgot! (Okay, I did forget.) Do YOU have any crazy hooker stories?  I can’t be the only one!

53 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos

June 16, 2014

Jailbirds and Search Terms

By Steph

I know I said I wasn’t going to make a habit of Search Term Tuesday, but then I saw the greatest search EVER and it’s Monday, so I had to share.  Someone searched for the following and it led them here.  I don’t get it either.

invisible sweat dripping off my balls when i’m on meth

Right?!  Oh my God, it’s better than Christmas.  The amount of joy this has brought me is a little frightening.

While I was pondering on this poor guy’s plight, I started thinking about balls criminals and that led me to my recycle bin, because that’s where I keep the bad guys.

By “bad guys” I mean newspapers that haven’t gone out yet.  Luckily for you, I haven’t emptied my newspaper bin since Christmas, and my town does a weekly incident report.  I know.  It’s often the highlight of my week.

April 13:  At approximately 12:10 a.m., police were notified that someone was asleep in the road in front of the high school.  Police found a male subject sitting just outside the white line.  He advised “he had simply had too much to drink and had fallen asleep.”  Because everyone drinks on the side of the road in front of a school, right?

June 7:  A man was arrested for public intoxication after police received a tip that there was a man asleep in the ditch in front of the high school.  Shit.  I guess they do.

March 14:  A man reported that he received a phone call from a person threatening to kill his cat and him.  What could the cat have possibly done?

February 15:  A caller advised there was a chair in the middle of the road, and on the other side of the road there was a man laying next to the highway.  Question:  Was this near the high school?

February 15:  A man advised that there was a horse in the highway and every time he tried to get around it, the horse would run back across the highway.  A different caller also advised of a goat in the area.  You get a goat and a horse together and this is what happens.

January 1:  A caller advised that his mother kept calling him.  I didn’t realize you could call the cops for this.

October 19:  A man advised that he went hunting and when he returned home, a woman was in his dining room drunk with wine coolers hanging out of her pockets.  I’m interested in these pockets.  I don’t have pockets awesome big enough to hold wine coolers.

April 23:  A caller reported that there was a naked male out on the road and he was coming up their driveway.  Why are these people always in the road?  Go home, naked man, you’re drunk.

April 26:  A man reported a suspicious Suburban pulled into his driveway, so he went out on the porch and fired a warning shot.  Because around here, if you take a wrong turn, we’ll shoot at you until you figure it out.

And this gem I’ve actually posted before, but just in case you missed it:

2c92e-localnews2

** The police reports were shortened, names and addresses removed, etc, but otherwise are in original form.

Does your local paper provide you with entertainment as well as news?  Do drunk people sleep in front of your high school?  What about goats?  There seems to be an inordinate amount of goat trouble in my neck of the woods.

 

46 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Blogging, random bullshit

June 12, 2014

Ants Bite and Some Other Stuff

By Steph

We had to take Thing 3 to have another set of blessed ear tubes put in again to give her some relief from the blasted recurrent ear infections.  Since we live 10 miles outside of Timbuktu, we had quite a drive ahead of us and decided to throw in some family time and make the dreaded trip into a mini-vacay.

We figured the kid wouldn’t remember the tubes, but she might remember that Mommy and Daddy took her to the zoo.

Except we didn’t even make it to the zoo.  (Probably a good thing, since animals are all perverts.) (Or maybe I’m the pervert.  Either way.)

Here are a few things I learned on our way — our long, long way filled with constant chatter from one or all three kids.

1.  Thing 2’s rendition of the Rice Krispies commercial was a bit disconcerting, since he fucked it up horribly.

“What?” he says over our laughter. “It’s crack, smack, Snapple, and pop, right?”

Um….no.  Also, are you on drugs?

ricekrispies.com

ricekrispies.com

2. Thing 3 is 5 years old and is turning into a smartass.  I believe she gets it from her father.

Thing 3:  *Rolls her eyes and sighs* What-EVER!

Thing 2:  Oh no, you’re turning into a woman!

Thing 3:  Your mom’s a woman.

So, my five-year-old is making “your mom” jokes, and I consider that a parenting win.  Even though technically I think I was just insulted.

3. When we finally reached our destination, we headed directly for the pool.  The kids and the husband swam while I found the cutest little patio area outside in the sun to smoke and read the paper.  I discovered that I love sitting quietly while my kids are entertained by something that is not me and is free swimming.

This Is How It's Done.

This Is How It’s Done.

4.  After the pool we had plans for the zoo, but as usual, my body betrayed me and we decided to rest and go to an arcade instead.  The kids had great fun blowing my money, and I found out that Thing 3 thinks I am “the best mommy she’s got” because I drive “TURBO fast” in the go-kart.  Hold your applause; we were the only ones on the track.

Getting ready to tear it up on some go-karts.

Getting ready to tear it up on some go-karts.

5. Then I learned that my gallbladder/heart/liver/something on my insides really does hate me and I almost had to go to the ER because I really know how to ruin have a good time.  I was up most of the night moaning in the bathtub because I felt like an invisible murderous asshole was stabbing me in the stomach.  Luckily for him he was invisible and possibly imaginary.

5.  I learned that I am able to drive a wheelchair about as well as a car, and by that I mean not well at all.  I ran into two people, a bed, a door, and a couple of walls before the wheelchair was confiscated.

6.  The term “ants in your pants” is very apt.  This actually happens and really does cause jiggling, jumping, and general insanity while you are being bitten.  On the ass.  In a parking lot.  I’m sure there is film somewhere of me frantically slapping my own ass and screaming bloody murder.

peppysdevelopments.wordpress.com

peppysdevelopments.wordpress.com

7.  Ant bites are huge.  I have one for each cheek, so I should know.

8.  I can catch a child’s milkshake vomit in a Wal-Mart sack with a hole in it while driving down the road and not spill any. Yes, I’d like a medal.

9.  My oldest child is an angel and will make someone very lucky one day.  (I actually already knew this one.)  We got home and that kid ordered me to bed, brought me a fan and a washcloth, and helped get the other kids settled.  He’s also adorable and a genius, but calm down ladies, he’s only 15.

10.  If you go to the doctor and check every box that says, “nearly every day” on their little questionnaire and then burst into tears, they are much nicer to you than usual. Today I went to the doctor and had a total meltdown.  And that was before they did an EKG “just to rule out heart problems” and the bastard came back “abnormal.”  Of fucking course it did.  Have I mentioned that my body hates me?

11.  If you have plans for the weekend in spite of the fact that you know you should rest, your doctor will schedule an abundance of tests for Saturday, on just about every internal organ you have.  Then the following week can be spent at cardiologists, gastroenterologists, psychiatrists, and other places well known for fun and games.

12.  If you leave town for two days, your renters might take that as the perfect opportunity to leave town themselves, only they might take all their stuff and not leave any rent money.  Anyone interested in a two bedroom in Timbuktu?

 

20 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

June 9, 2014

Search Term Tuesday

By Steph

The title is a little misleading.  Mostly because it is not Tuesday, but partly because I don’t intend to make this a habit.

These are some things that people searched for on the internet. Google,in their infinite wisdom, led them to me.

Now, you might assume that someone searching for “woman who doesn’t chew” or “do not eat glass” or “HYSTERICALLY FUNNY BLOG” would find their way here.

No.  Not so much.

Instead, people search for things like this:

norman reedus chewing — I’m sure those people were very disappointed to find me.  Or maybe not.  Norman and I are super tight.

when to go to emergency room iud — Oh, shit.  I should probably say that I am not qualified to dispense medical advice.  I can’t even pee right.

degenerate glass monkey — You mean this pervert?

there is no life before coffee cat — Hm.  True, but not true.  Maybe this?  I agree about the coffee, but I don’t know where my cat’s asshole comes into it.

dark face doberman — I am just so sorry that brought you to this post about being ear-raped by a dog.  So, so sorry.

my grandmas dresser drawers — You may not have intended too, but you ended up at one of my best posts.

joke on “i’ll take it from here.” — Me bragging about my best post.  Probably not what you wanted, but Charlie Sheen makes everyone happy.

I hope you enjoyed the first and final installment of Search Term Tuesday.  I’ll probably be back around the weekend with stories about the zoo, hotel swimming pools, and road trips with a family of five.  Got any tips?  I need all the help I can get.  I know Angelle advises carrying a bedpan for emergencies. 

 

20 Comments | posted in random bullshit