Category Archives: small humans

March 28, 2014

I Won’t Run From a Six-Year-Old. (Cause they are fast as hell.)

By Steph

Confession time:  Little kids freak me out.

Not my own kids!  My kids are not freaky at all.  But scary kids, like in movies?  I can’t stand them.  I don’t know why, but a creepy little person is 100 times scarier to me than a zombie, a serial killer, a ghost, or even a snake.

It might be the whole can’t-defend-yourself-because-you-don’t-want-to-hurt-a-kid thing.  I’m not sure.  (Also, I could totally kick a kid’s ass if I had to.  Don’t test me.)

Anyway, it’s rainy and yucky outside and some little shits have been prank calling me all day.

I’ve tried to laugh it off.  Ha ha!  Little bastards.

Me:  Hello?

Them:  What do you call a scary dream about a horse?

Me:  *confused*  What?

Them:  A NIGHTMARE!  HAhahahaha, heehehehehe, hahahaha.  (Maniacal child laughter.  There had to be at least 10 of them.)

Me:  *still a bit confused*  WHAT??

Them:  *Click.*

Me:  *shakes head*  Ha, silly kids, just having fun, ha ha ha.

*staring at phone*  OH MY GOD THEY SAID NIGHTMARE. 

*still staring at phone*  Don’t be silly, just kids, ha-ha. 

 *looking for weapon*  ARE THE DOORS LOCKED?  OH, SHIT.  I hate kids.*

A little later…

*ring, ring*

Me:  H…hello?

THEM:  *In a freakishly terrifying and childish voice*  Can I sing you a song?

Me:  What?  No.  NO.  Who. Is. This?!

Them:  We just want to make your day!  Wanna hear a song?

Me:  *CLICK*

So there you have it.  I have barricaded us in the house and no one is allowed to answer the phone.  The only way this could get worse is if they called and asked if I was in the house alone.  WHICH I’M NOT.

And now I’ve scared myself.  Awesome.

32 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos

March 16, 2014

Life is Mean and My Cat is a Vampire. Apparently.

By Steph

Lately things have been yucky and stinky and vomity (this is my blog and I say vomity is a word) and snowy and for fuck’s sake I can’t take it anymore!

Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration.  The ‘can’t take it anymore part’ anyway, because really, my options are limited.

Let me fill you in.  So, of course there was the unfortunate gynecological incident.  Then we all got this terrible, no good stomach flu that almost killed us.  I’m exaggerating again.   No one was near death.  But it was gross.  Very, very disgusting.

Then we all got colds.  Bad ones.  With snot.  Lots of it.  Then we got the stomach virus AGAIN.

During these bouts of sickness I was, of course, having migraines because as you all know, my body hates me.

So, now we are finally, finally all feeling at least half-human and all the things I haven’t accomplished in the past month have grown into this gigantic pile of Things Stephanie Has Fucked Up and I’m really afraid it’s going to topple and bury me beneath it.

Now I’m going to leave you with a random sampling of Shit My Family Says to Me and hopefully I’ll be more coherent and less whiny next week.

***********************************************************

Thing 3:  The cat has a hole in her butt.  I just saw it.

Husband:  Uh…

Me:  Um…

Thing 3:  Don’t worry, I didn’t put anything in it.

grumpy cat no

*************************************************************************

Thing 2:  (Loudly, at dinner with extended family) I don’t even know why we celebrate Easter.

Me:  *puts head in hands*  Oh.  Dear.  God.

*shocked silence*

Thing 2:  *Very quietly*  I mean, I know why it’s a holiday, Jesus and stuff, but I just don’t get the rabbit.

Who does, really?

Who does, really?

**********************************************************************

Me:  Don’t be ridiculous, I’m awesome.

Thing 1:  Yes.  If by “awesome” you mean hard to love.

************************************************************************

Husband:  I’m not here to judge.

Me:  *reflects silently*  I think I am.

Husband:  Oh, I know.  I think you’re judging for the both of us.

Me:  Haha!  Right?  I’ll handle this, don’t worry.

Husband:  You should tell people that.  Say “I’m judging for two.” and rub your belly.  Then when they say, “Oh, are you expecting?” you can say, “Yeah, I’m expecting you to fuck up.”

*******************************************************

Thing 1 to Husband:  How did we wind up with this version?  We need an upgrade.

Me:  *Sputters*  What?! You’re think you can just trade me in for a new model?

Husband:  Mom two-point-whoa.

*Both nod.*

***************************************************************

Thing 3:  Mom!  Momma!  Leeloo is a vampire!

Me:  Leeloo is not a vampire.  Leeloo is a cat.

Thing 3:  Then why does she have pointy teeth and sneak around at night?

Me:  …

Thing 3:  *Triumphant*  Because she’s a vampire.

33 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

March 5, 2014

Don’t Eat That Off The Floor!

By Steph

Once upon a time in a land far away, my house was always clean and I was always bathed.

Every little thing was in its special place; sometimes I got frisky and even washed the drapes!

Then I had three children and got a full-time job; I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I’m a slob.

Clothes are piled everywhere, the dirty and the clean; Christ, half the time this place looks like a crime scene.

The kids are running wild and the cat just puked on the carpet; I’ve lost all my patience and am reduced to screaming “PARK IT!”

The trash is everywhere and always overflowing and this damned winter weather just won’t stop with all the snowing!

The dishwasher stopped washing and now it’s only leaking; I’m thinking this might be a good time to take up drinking.

I thought I told you not to eat that off the floor!  The five second rule DOES NOT apply here anymore.

 

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, stuff I made up, total chaos

February 6, 2014

I’m Pretty Sure Pinterest Wants Me Dead.

By Steph

I love Pinterest.  I’m not even going to estimate how much of my life I’ve wasted spent on pinning.  Just now, I was doing some research for this post, and I almost got sucked in.  Watch yourselves, people.  Pinterest is almost as dangerous as Twitter, or even Candy Crush.

pinterest.com

pinterest.com

I love the projects and ideas I’ve found there and I’ve made a ton of stuff successfully.  But I’ve come to realize that just because somebody pinned something, doesn’t mean it is a good idea. There’s a really funny website called Pinterest, You Are Drunk and there are all sorts of fails and just funny shit that I don’t know why anyone would ever make in the first place…

sadanduseless.com

sadanduseless.com

Slippers made of MAXI PADS??  Seriously?  Who does that? But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about craft ideas that seem totally legit…until you are on fire and you’ve used the fire extinguisher for a different project, so you’re just fucked.

pinterest.com

pinterest.com

Anyway, Pinterest does not always know best.  I hardly ever click through and go to the page where the pin originated and maybe that’s my problem, because then I could tell if it came from a reputable source, like Martha Stewart, or if it was just some criminal sharing bad ideas.

So, here’s one I tried.  The idea was to put plastic beads into a pie pan and bake until they melted, making a sun catcher.  Just my style – easy.  Only one problem.  I’m not sure plastic beads were made for the oven.  It was like I said, “Hey kids, let’s inhale a bunch of burnt plastic and see what happens.”  The smoke detector went off, we all had headaches, and none of us could take a breath without gagging.  And my damned sun catcher looked like this:

Not what I was going for.

Not what I was going for.

Another idea I got from Pinterest was to put coffee beans in a pretty bowl with a vanilla candle in the center, which sounded like it would smell ah-mazing.  Either I didn’t read the instructions (possible) or there weren’t any, cause this is what I got:

I put the fire out quickly, but those beans were burning.

I put the fire out quickly, but those beans were burning.

Then there was the Fairy Glitter Jar.  Supposedly, mixing a glow stick, glitter, and some other stuff I can’t remember, would produce this:

Nope. This is not what happened.

Nope. This is not what happened.

I ended up with a jar of what looked like unusually thick, speckled urine.  My Fairy Princess was not impressed.  Although my fairy glitter was not a success, I did try another glow stick experiment for a party my teenage son was having.  It was supposed to make glowing bubbles.  I don’t have a picture, because it was dark and THEY DIDN’T GLOW.  But here’s a picture similar to what my kid and his friends thought of it:

Yeah. Super impressed.

Yeah. Super impressed.

I’ve got a lot of other cool stuff I want to try, but my husband is really unreasonable and won’t let me have the tools I need.  I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.  I mean, how much damage could I possibly do with a blow torch?

24 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, total chaos

January 14, 2014

5 Reasons It’s Okay To Have Rogue Snakes Loose In Your Home

By Steph

This is me, looking on the bright side.  Don’t blink.

Snakes.  Snakes are lovely.

Snakes eat mice.

Snakes are…snakes.

I’m trying this bullshit thing called cognitive behavioral therapy, because as I’ve been told a hundred fucking times, what you think is how you feel.  So I am going to feel homicidal GREAT about the snake INFESTATION going on in my home IN THE DEAD OF WINTER.

Ahem.

And I'm okay with this. Really.

And I’m okay with this. Really.  Also, I really need to dust.  Don’t judge me.  I have snakes.

Five Reasons This Horror Nightmare Guest Is A-Okay:

1.  You can save money on your heating bill in an effort to make your home less homey for heat-seeking death worms reptiles.

2.  You can break your hip tone your thighs by clomping around your house in steel-toed boots and jumping a lot.

3.  Your kids will get really good at “I Spy” and this is a skill all children should have.

4.  You can finally make use of the ridiculous amount of swords you own.

5.  You can help the local economy by paying someone exorbitant sums of money a worthwhile fee to crawl around in your attic and say, “Ye-ah, where there’s one there’s usually a bunch more.”  This is helpful to know.

6.  You can save money on your water bill when an asshole a well-meaning friend tells you that the snakes are probably getting in through the plumbing so you won’t be using your bathroom.  Ever.  Again.

I know, that was actually six reasons, but I am just so good at this positivity thing that I decided to keep going.  Also, I am still in the market for a mongoose.

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos