This is me, looking on the bright side. Don’t blink.
Snakes. Snakes are lovely.
Snakes eat mice.
Snakes are…snakes.
I’m trying this bullshit thing called cognitive behavioral therapy, because as I’ve been told a hundred fucking times, what you think is how you feel. So I am going to feel homicidal GREAT about the snake INFESTATION going on in my home IN THE DEAD OF WINTER.
Ahem.
And I’m okay with this. Really. Also, I really need to dust. Don’t judge me. I have snakes.
Five Reasons This Horror Nightmare Guest Is A-Okay:
1. You can save money on your heating bill in an effort to make your home less homey for heat-seeking death worms reptiles.
2. You can break your hip tone your thighs by clomping around your house in steel-toed boots and jumping a lot.
3. Your kids will get really good at “I Spy” and this is a skill all children should have.
4. You can finally make use of the ridiculous amount of swords you own.
5. You can help the local economy by paying someone exorbitant sums of money a worthwhile fee to crawl around in your attic and say, “Ye-ah, where there’s one there’s usually a bunch more.” This is helpful to know.
6. You can save money on your water bill when an asshole a well-meaning friend tells you that the snakes are probably getting in through the plumbing so you won’t be using your bathroom. Ever. Again.
I know, that was actually six reasons, but I am just so good at this positivity thing that I decided to keep going. Also, I am still in the market for a mongoose.
We Don't Chew Glass 
January 15th, 2014 at 9:56 am
I wasn’t sure if I should “like” this, because I definitely don’t like the fact that you have snakes (THE HORROR), but HA.
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January 15th, 2014 at 12:58 pm
HA! Yeah, it’s a toss up. Laugh or cry? Move, or set the house on fire?
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January 15th, 2014 at 8:36 pm
Oh. My. God! I’ve heard of mice invading houses in the winter…but never, EVER even IMAGINED that snakes would move in. Aren’t they supposed to hibernate or something in the winter?? I don’t have a phobia of snakes or anything, but I think I would have to strip my bed every night before getting in (and then I’d probably not sleep well, because if they are looking for a warm and cozy place….)
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January 15th, 2014 at 9:08 pm
Me either, Jana! We had a couple invaders this fall, which as I understand it is like hatching time (or something, I don’t know jack about snakes, and I don’t want to) but I couldn’t believe we had one in JANUARY! And we never see any evidence of mice – I thought that was a good thing. Unfortunately, I guess we just have well-fed snakes. Somebody said they might be in the attic, which is just sending me into major panic, because I’m already watching my feet, and now I’ve got to worry about my HEAD? I keep leaving every light in the house on at all times because…well…because, snakes!
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January 15th, 2014 at 10:07 pm
oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh
This cannot be real life. I would SHIT myself. Where there’s one, there’s more? WTF. Sneaking in through the plumbing? DIE.
You need Rikki Tikki Tavi, and you need him fast.
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January 15th, 2014 at 10:20 pm
I know! It’s like a nightmare. I seriously cannot believe I’m handling this as well as I am. I just keep telling myself that they are not poisonous and the worst thing that will happen is I will get bit or touched by a snake. AT WHICH POINT I WILL COMPLETELY LOSE MY SHIT and probably end up in a straightjacket, so you might save me a bed at your hospital. A nice one. Private. Maybe a window. Hell, I might check myself in as long as you can guarantee that it’s a snake-free establishment.
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January 15th, 2014 at 10:29 pm
No snakes as far as I know, come on over! I absolutely CANNOT believe you have snakes in your house. I have never heard of that. So scary. Please pay whatever billions of dollars are necessary to make them go away.
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January 16th, 2014 at 5:48 am
That’s the nicest invite I’ve ever gotten to a mental institution.
So, you’re telling me you’ve never seen Billy the Exterminator?
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January 19th, 2014 at 4:09 pm
OMG, I used to have nightmares as I child that I was living with snakes. They were crawling around the dishes and under the doors. The only good dream was when I slammed a door on one and cut off its head. I hope you get rid of them very soon.
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January 19th, 2014 at 4:18 pm
Oh no! It’s not that bad here. Generally just one at a time, and they’ve all been in the same room, so I kind of have a false sense of safety elsewhere in the house. (I’m sure if they can get in my house, they can get out of my living room.) I hope so too. I really, really hope so too!
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January 20th, 2014 at 4:36 pm
You are hilarious! I am very jealous, me being the person who usually keeps spiders in the corner of my bed/bathrooms because NOBODY WANTS TO FIND A SILVERFISH ON THEIR PILLOW.
Although, I’m sure you’ve had it with those mother fucking snakes in your mother fucking house.
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January 20th, 2014 at 4:41 pm
Why, thank you. If a spider wants to stay way up in the corner and not look menacing, I will probably be too lazy to do anything about it. Snakes are another matter entirely, and yes, I have HAD IT with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane! I mean, house. 😉
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January 24th, 2014 at 4:11 pm
Snakes? Mmm, the cat used to drag them in – the poisonous ones of course. Was that a green mamba or a tree snake, grass snake or viper? Brooms and hoes were pretty useful, the mongoose stayed outside 🙂 Neighbour chopped hers up with the shears – she’s now a sensible mum with kids…..
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January 24th, 2014 at 4:24 pm
I’m a mum with kids…not so sure about the “sensible” part though! Thankfully we haven’t seen one since this last incident. Fingers and toes crossed!
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June 5th, 2014 at 8:57 pm
[…] This one is important. Don’t mention that your house is plagued with snakes. That is just a terrible idea. Apparently, having snakes invade your home is a sign that Satan […]
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August 16th, 2015 at 9:49 pm
[…] Steph – isn’t he […]
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