Lately things have been yucky and stinky and vomity (this is my blog and I say vomity is a word) and snowy and for fuck’s sake I can’t take it anymore!
Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration. The ‘can’t take it anymore part’ anyway, because really, my options are limited.
Let me fill you in. So, of course there was the unfortunate gynecological incident. Then we all got this terrible, no good stomach flu that almost killed us. I’m exaggerating again. No one was near death. But it was gross. Very, very disgusting.
Then we all got colds. Bad ones. With snot. Lots of it. Then we got the stomach virus AGAIN.
During these bouts of sickness I was, of course, having migraines because as you all know, my body hates me.
So, now we are finally, finally all feeling at least half-human and all the things I haven’t accomplished in the past month have grown into this gigantic pile of Things Stephanie Has Fucked Up and I’m really afraid it’s going to topple and bury me beneath it.
Now I’m going to leave you with a random sampling of Shit My Family Says to Me and hopefully I’ll be more coherent and less whiny next week.
***********************************************************
Thing 3: The cat has a hole in her butt. I just saw it.
Husband: Uh…
Me: Um…
Thing 3: Don’t worry, I didn’t put anything in it.
*************************************************************************
Thing 2: (Loudly, at dinner with extended family) I don’t even know why we celebrate Easter.
Me: *puts head in hands* Oh. Dear. God.
*shocked silence*
Thing 2: *Very quietly* I mean, I know why it’s a holiday, Jesus and stuff, but I just don’t get the rabbit.
Who does, really?
**********************************************************************
Me: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m awesome.
Thing 1: Yes. If by “awesome” you mean hard to love.
************************************************************************
Husband: I’m not here to judge.
Me: *reflects silently* I think I am.
Husband: Oh, I know. I think you’re judging for the both of us.
Me: Haha! Right? I’ll handle this, don’t worry.
Husband: You should tell people that. Say “I’m judging for two.” and rub your belly. Then when they say, “Oh, are you expecting?” you can say, “Yeah, I’m expecting you to fuck up.”
*******************************************************
Thing 1 to Husband: How did we wind up with this version? We need an upgrade.
Me: *Sputters* What?! You’re think you can just trade me in for a new model?
Husband: Mom two-point-whoa.
*Both nod.*
***************************************************************
Thing 3: Mom! Momma! Leeloo is a vampire!
Me: Leeloo is not a vampire. Leeloo is a cat.
Thing 3: Then why does she have pointy teeth and sneak around at night?
Me: …
Thing 3: *Triumphant* Because she’s a vampire.
We Don't Chew Glass 
March 16th, 2014 at 9:51 pm
I’m pretty sure my kids also wished for a Mom Model 2.Whoa many times during their childhood… eventually they got one… still me… just better.
Great quotes; wish I had had the foresight to record my kids’ little gems. As it is, I’m lucky if I remember major events, much less day to day loveliness. :>
LikeLike
March 16th, 2014 at 10:16 pm
The kids frequently tell me I’m “the best mom they ever had!” I’m also the only mom they’ve ever had, lol.
My memory is so bad…if I don’t write it down it’s gone forever!
LikeLike
March 16th, 2014 at 11:02 pm
Well… you know… NOW, I’m the best mom they’ve ever had… and I have the top 10 reason list to prove it.
I call my memory the wormhole… sometimes things stick, more often they don’t… sometimes memories that were buried shoot out the other side of the galaxy. :>
LikeLike
March 16th, 2014 at 10:35 pm
Ha! I love the snippets, 🙂 Your family sounds awesome. I hope the aftermath of feeling sick disappears soon and leaves you feeling 100% refreshed, 😀
LikeLike
March 16th, 2014 at 10:42 pm
Thanks! My family is totally awesome!
LikeLike
March 16th, 2014 at 10:54 pm
These are adorable. Totally put a smile on my face!
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 12:11 am
Ah, children. They are messy and demanding, but as my 15-year-old just told me, comedy gold. 😉
LikeLike
March 16th, 2014 at 11:10 pm
Glad you are all feeling better! Love the Quotes! Best laugh I had today 🙂
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 12:14 am
Thanks! They crack me up too.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 4:53 am
O poor guys, glad you are all feeling better! thanks for sharing 🙂
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 8:33 am
Thanks! My daughter was the saddest thing…also the messiest, cause she’s only 5 and doesn’t have that good of aim.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 9:16 am
Oh! Poor, poor you. I can smell it now ! 😉
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 5:37 am
Omg, these are so funny. I love when things actually make me laugh out loud. 🙂 Glad you’re feeling better. I’d say you got your butts kicked for sure and deserve a break!
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 8:44 am
Ha! Thanks. I’m glad we are finally better, and so, so glad that my daughter didn’t put anything in the cat’s butt. So glad.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 7:37 am
Okay okay OKAY…I am sorry that you’ve been ill. I am..but damn..this was funny.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 8:38 am
That just doesn’t sound very convincing, Michelle!
Kidding, I know you’ve been sick as hell too, and I hope we both start kicking ass soon.
And thank you. My children/husband are hilarious when they are not driving me nuts!
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 7:47 am
Bwahahahahahaha
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 8:42 am
If my daughter had discovered that Leeloo was a vampire before she saw the hole in her butt, things might have gone differently.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 10:54 am
That’s a frightening prospect.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 11:31 am
Tell thing 3 the cat has THREE holes in her butt. {and none of them need probed ;)}
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 11:32 am
Next time Blaine draws a picture to make a point of the rectum and anal glands Ill try to post it. The drawings are so very special….
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 1:16 pm
No thank you, to either. I’m pretty sure Leeloo wouldn’t stand for the examination that would follow. If Thing 3 has any more animal anatomy questions I’ll just send her to you!
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 3:04 pm
I’m always making sure children are not putting things up pets’ butts. It’s exhausting.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 4:25 pm
Right?! That’s a fulltime job all by itself.
LikeLike
March 17th, 2014 at 10:06 pm
Your husband and kids are hilarious — and you’re not so bad yourself 🙂 You are smart to be taking notes — I SO wish I would have written down some of the funny things my son said when he was little. Now he is old and just mocks me…but since he’s my kid, I can’t kill him.
LikeLike
March 18th, 2014 at 7:44 am
Ach, I’ve got one of those too. Thing 1 is 15 and he loves to make fun of me. I get him back by using my super hip language skills. He loves it when I say, “YO, THAT SHIZZLE IS WHACK!” Loves it.
LikeLike
March 18th, 2014 at 12:34 pm
I have hit the blog jackpot today! I’m reading so many hilarious posts…this one had me giggling like a (I was going to put ‘serial killer’ and then thought…why? why would a serial killer giggle, Beth?) OH I don’t know…just giggling. Screw the simile. The first one was too funny….”don’t worry, I didn’t put anything in it” LOLLOLOL. I love funny families.
LikeLike
March 18th, 2014 at 12:59 pm
Why thank you Beth! I bet serial killers giggle.
And I know, right? WHY would she…I don’t even know. Don’t want to. 🙂
LikeLike
March 19th, 2014 at 10:55 am
Uh oh! Sounds like husband and the Things are coming for you!
You’re going to have to bring more awesome to keep them in check…
LikeLike
March 19th, 2014 at 12:12 pm
You would not believe the joy they take in harassing me. I’m out numbered, and most of the time out smarted. It’s a sad, sad situation. (But at least I’m not the cat!)
LikeLike
March 23rd, 2014 at 1:49 pm
Cats, you can’t trust ’em, man…
LikeLike
March 23rd, 2014 at 1:51 pm
My cat didn’t have diarrhea in my bed, even if she is a closet vampire.
LikeLike
September 23rd, 2014 at 7:17 pm
Reblogged this on Live, Laugh, Love and commented:
This made me LOL 😀
LikeLike