Once upon a time in a land far away, my house was always clean and I was always bathed.
Every little thing was in its special place; sometimes I got frisky and even washed the drapes!
Then I had three children and got a full-time job; I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I’m a slob.
Clothes are piled everywhere, the dirty and the clean; Christ, half the time this place looks like a crime scene.
The kids are running wild and the cat just puked on the carpet; I’ve lost all my patience and am reduced to screaming “PARK IT!”
The trash is everywhere and always overflowing and this damned winter weather just won’t stop with all the snowing!
The dishwasher stopped washing and now it’s only leaking; I’m thinking this might be a good time to take up drinking.
I thought I told you not to eat that off the floor! The five second rule DOES NOT apply here anymore.
March 6th, 2014 at 12:50 am
Sounds like my house! We wouldn’t know what to do if things were any other way! Sounds like a nice dream anyway!
March 6th, 2014 at 9:40 am
Yep. You just read what I was doing last night instead of cleaning!
March 6th, 2014 at 3:59 am
It’s ALWAYS a good time to take up drinking Steph.
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March 6th, 2014 at 9:42 am
March 6th, 2014 at 8:51 am
Wait. You mean to tell me that you have three kids and you have not yet taken up drinking? Is that even possible?
March 6th, 2014 at 9:44 am
Amazing, right? I’ll have to be a closet drinker; my kids are so judgmental! Drink two bottles of wine ONE TIME, at CHRISTMAS, and they never let you live it down.
March 6th, 2014 at 12:29 pm
Well, to be fair, you should’ve offered them a few drinks. How else are they going to learn how to share?
March 6th, 2014 at 6:30 pm
No, it’s good to eat off the floor. Immune system boosting and all. Unless you are at a bar or gas station.
March 7th, 2014 at 12:12 pm
I think at this point my floor is about to exceed the filthiness of a bar. We are not *quite* to gas station…yet.
March 7th, 2014 at 12:04 pm
I feel your pain, Steph, trust me…
March 7th, 2014 at 12:12 pm
I’m so sorry, lol.
March 7th, 2014 at 12:43 pm
These are the exact reason I don’t keep alcohol in my home. Because if I have to step over one more self-created pile of clutter….Lord only knows
March 7th, 2014 at 4:25 pm
OH MY GOD! Sorry, I’ll stop yelling. I don’t even know what you said, but the fact that you are here just made this incredibly shitty day a thousand times better.
p.s. I told my husband I was in a gang. I don’t think he bought it.
March 7th, 2014 at 1:09 pm
Welcome to the dark, seedy underbelly of grown up mom-hood. My upstairs bathroom definitely can get to looking like a gas station. I guess I should go up there more often.
March 7th, 2014 at 4:26 pm
Don’t do it! I try to avoid my boys’ bathroom at all costs.
March 7th, 2014 at 6:56 pm
EESH! I only have -one- kid and no pets and this sounds like my house… er.. without the cat.
March 7th, 2014 at 7:07 pm
Lol! I’m glad I’m not alone!
March 7th, 2014 at 8:21 pm
Not by a longshot. My dishes insist on breeding. I swear I just did them and the second I step out of the room they are sprawled all over the counter in various stages of filth like a bunch of hookers on payday. (No offense to hookers) (Hi, I’m really inappropriate today. Sorry.)
March 7th, 2014 at 9:54 pm
That’s it, I’m never referring to my dishes as dishes again. From here on out, they are a bunch of dirty hookers. (inappropriate is always welcome here.)
March 8th, 2014 at 8:40 am
Oh dear. That could get awkward real fast. “Honey, go do your homework and then go wash the hookers in the kitchen…”
March 7th, 2014 at 11:22 pm
OK — I was reading this and thinking, “Yeah, this is basically my life, too.” Then I got to the part about drinking and it suddenly dawned on me that this was a FUCKING POEM! Not only are you frazzled — you are also CREATIVELY frazzled!
I don’t know why the line about drinking suddenly gave me clarity. I may have a problem.
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March 8th, 2014 at 7:23 am
HA! I’m still laughing. I’m going to start saying, “then it dawned on me that this was a FUCKING POEM!” I’m going to say it about everything, even things that are not poems. It’s going to be awesome.
March 9th, 2014 at 4:00 pm
I like iambic couplets that sum suburban life
even ones that cleverly rant about the strife.
Nice one (or two?), Steph!
March 9th, 2014 at 5:05 pm
Lol! You too!
March 12th, 2014 at 4:48 pm
Cheers! This is completely clever & comical!
Founder & CEO of Connect-the-Cloths
A stylist, foodie, & writer's blog in development.
March 12th, 2014 at 9:16 pm
March 12th, 2014 at 9:54 pm
March 12th, 2014 at 8:49 pm
So many things to look forward to 😉 What happens if this basically already describes my life???
March 12th, 2014 at 9:14 pm
It’ll be ever-so-much more fulfilling to clean up other peoples’ crap while listening to them complain about your cooking! Promise!
March 19th, 2014 at 10:59 am
Kids are strong. Fix yourself a martini and let em eat everything off the floor.
You’ll be relaxed, they’ll be fed, and poof! Clean floors!
March 19th, 2014 at 12:19 pm
I cannot believe I didn’t think of that! You are a genius and I’m not making dinner tonight. There’s at least a week’s worth of food under the kitchen table.