Category Archives: Just Being Awesome

April 9, 2014

5 Things I Should Stop Saying, According to My Children

By Steph

My kids are super smart and funny.  This is generally an asset, because it makes it easier to get a babysitter.  But when they turn their wits against me…well, sometimes it gets ugly.  According to Them, I say some things in the heat of the moment that are not Kid Approved.

Please note:  I am not going to stop saying these things, because these kids are not the boss of me.

1.  You’re not the boss of me.  (They aren’t.)

2.  Whack, as in, “Yo, dude, that’s whack!” (With hand motions.)

3.  Laying the mack down.  (Apparently this isn’t even a thing?  They claim I’ve confused my hammer pants with my wrestlers.)

(Okay, so they might have a point on this one.)

 

4.  Groovy, right on, and what what!  (This is called positive reinforcement.  I’m boosting their ungrateful little egos.  I don’t see a problem here.)

5.  Your mom!  (Because I’m their mom.) (I guess.)

your mom

 

I have also compiled a list of things I’m going to start saying because that’s just how I roll.  (What what!)

1.  You better check yo self before you wreck yo self!

2.  Bombdiggity.  (I don’t even know what this means, I’m just going to insert it randomly into conversations and see what happens.)

3.  Stop judging me!  I gave you life!

4.  Fo shizzle.

5.  No, you can’t have any money.  (This one is my favorite.)

 

Of course, I also have to include a list of things I have actually said to or about my kids in the past.  If you’ve ever tried to raise wild goats or feral pigs, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Source: Pinterest

Source: Pinterest

1.  Did you eat poop?!?  Tell me!  OH MY GOD, I THINK SHE ATE POOP!

2.  Stop hitting your brother with that hot dog!  No, don’t eat–okay, eat it.

3.  Don’t forget to comb your teeth and brush your hands!

4.  This is a blanket and it is warm.  No, it’s not the unicorn blanket.  No.  It doesn’t matter.  This one is purple.  *stomping down hallway in the middle of the night, grumble-cursing-whispering goddamn unicorn fucking blanket anyway*  Here!  Unicorn blanket.  Now we sleep, okay?

5.  You need to get your priorities straight. (How did this happen?  Am I…responsible?  *shudders*)

 

48 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, total chaos

March 28, 2014

I Won’t Run From a Six-Year-Old. (Cause they are fast as hell.)

By Steph

Confession time:  Little kids freak me out.

Not my own kids!  My kids are not freaky at all.  But scary kids, like in movies?  I can’t stand them.  I don’t know why, but a creepy little person is 100 times scarier to me than a zombie, a serial killer, a ghost, or even a snake.

It might be the whole can’t-defend-yourself-because-you-don’t-want-to-hurt-a-kid thing.  I’m not sure.  (Also, I could totally kick a kid’s ass if I had to.  Don’t test me.)

Anyway, it’s rainy and yucky outside and some little shits have been prank calling me all day.

I’ve tried to laugh it off.  Ha ha!  Little bastards.

Me:  Hello?

Them:  What do you call a scary dream about a horse?

Me:  *confused*  What?

Them:  A NIGHTMARE!  HAhahahaha, heehehehehe, hahahaha.  (Maniacal child laughter.  There had to be at least 10 of them.)

Me:  *still a bit confused*  WHAT??

Them:  *Click.*

Me:  *shakes head*  Ha, silly kids, just having fun, ha ha ha.

*staring at phone*  OH MY GOD THEY SAID NIGHTMARE. 

*still staring at phone*  Don’t be silly, just kids, ha-ha. 

 *looking for weapon*  ARE THE DOORS LOCKED?  OH, SHIT.  I hate kids.*

A little later…

*ring, ring*

Me:  H…hello?

THEM:  *In a freakishly terrifying and childish voice*  Can I sing you a song?

Me:  What?  No.  NO.  Who. Is. This?!

Them:  We just want to make your day!  Wanna hear a song?

Me:  *CLICK*

So there you have it.  I have barricaded us in the house and no one is allowed to answer the phone.  The only way this could get worse is if they called and asked if I was in the house alone.  WHICH I’M NOT.

And now I’ve scared myself.  Awesome.

32 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos

March 20, 2014

News Flash: I’m An Idiot.

By Steph

I got nominated for the One Lovely Blog award and although it has taken me far longer than it should’ve, I’m finally getting around to following the rules.  (But it’s a No Strings Attached Award, so they aren’t really rules.)

one-lovely-blog-award2

The “rules” of this award are:

  1.  Thank the person who nominated you.
  2.  Share 7 things about yourself.
  3.  Nominate 15 bloggers.  (If someone does not accept awards, it still stands, even if you cannot fulfill the requirements because this is a no strings attached nomination; only fulfill the award if you have time and are inspired.)
  4.  Notify the nominees.
  5.  Put the logo of the award on your blog.

First, I would like to thank the Academy  inevertoldher for nominating me.   Over at thegirlz you will find some heart-wrenching and heart-warming pieces, all told in a very unique format.  Check them out.

Seven things about me:

  1. I have a terrible memory.  If I don’t write it down, it’s like it never happened.
  2. I absolutely love to color.
  3. I write something every day but only post about once a week.  Most of what I write is nonsense, but I guess you probably already knew that.
  4. If I had bunches of money to spend on myself I would buy books, plants, and markers.  Lots of them.
  5. Being a mom is the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done.
  6. I am married to a musician who is also an artist, has a job, is hilarious, and has a rocking beard.  Crazy, right?
  7. I make lists all the time, but I’m running out of ideas for this one.

Nominations:  *This was really hard.  I tried to pick blogs with not too many followers.  Of course, I love ALL the blogs I follow, but that’s way too many.

  1.  http://thehopefulherbalist.wordpress.com/
  2. http://vampiremaman.com/
  3. http://mymutedvoice.com/
  4. http://itsajennthing.wordpress.com/
  5. http://cursitivity.wordpress.com/
  6. http://karalamb.wordpress.com/
  7. http://leahwould.com/
  8. http://butthatsforanotherblog.wordpress.com/
  9. http://shecall.wordpress.com/
  10. http://stopmeifitoldyou.com/
  11. http://shedrivesavegetablecar.com/
  12. http://writerthereseoneill.com/
  13. http://www.cheeseblarg.com/
  14. http://itwentawry.wordpress.com/
  15. http://simtasia.wordpress.com/

Edited to add:  The lovely maurnas at http://cursitivity.wordpress.com/ and The Farmer’s Daughter at http://melmpf1973.wordpress.com/ both nominated me for the Liebster award.  Lots of love in the blogosphere lately!  Thank you, dears!

liebster1

27 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Blogging, Just Being Awesome, thoughts

March 5, 2014

Don’t Eat That Off The Floor!

By Steph

Once upon a time in a land far away, my house was always clean and I was always bathed.

Every little thing was in its special place; sometimes I got frisky and even washed the drapes!

Then I had three children and got a full-time job; I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I’m a slob.

Clothes are piled everywhere, the dirty and the clean; Christ, half the time this place looks like a crime scene.

The kids are running wild and the cat just puked on the carpet; I’ve lost all my patience and am reduced to screaming “PARK IT!”

The trash is everywhere and always overflowing and this damned winter weather just won’t stop with all the snowing!

The dishwasher stopped washing and now it’s only leaking; I’m thinking this might be a good time to take up drinking.

I thought I told you not to eat that off the floor!  The five second rule DOES NOT apply here anymore.

 

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, stuff I made up, total chaos