Author Archives: Steph

About Steph

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I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often.
August 3, 2014

That Time My Kid Fell Out a Window

By Steph

When Thing 2 was about 4 years old I made the mistake of putting his bed beneath a window.

A friend of mine was visiting along with her daughter, and we had left the kids inside while we went to look at my flowers. There were two older kids in charge, and the windows were open so we’d hear any screaming. Seemed legit.

I had a bench in the garden that faced the house. We could see the kids playing through the window. We could hear them laughing and talking. We could see Thing 2 press his face against the screen. That’s when we both leapt up and yelled NO!

It was too late. Down he went, ass over teakettle. Luckily, the window was only about four feet off the ground and the ground was soft dirt covered in leaves. So he was more scared than hurt. So was his mother.

When I was about 20 I got hit head on by a little old lady without a driver’s license. It was a similar feeling of seeing in slow motion this horrible thing and being unable to stop it.

Raising kids I feel like that a lot. Not to that extent, but just a vague sort of constant worry. What if, what if, what if? Then they go and do some normal everyday thing and break bones doing it. If you are reading this, children, yes I am referring to breaking bones while walking and while swinging on the monkey bars. Neither of those things did I ever worry about. I also never imagined my child would throw himself out of a window.

We all know that worry is pointless and bad for our health. But it is so hard to stop. My mom worried about us kids all the time, I’m sure. But I bet she never worried that my brother would break his nose by running into a 2 x 4. So worrying really is pointless. Our kids are never going to catch leprosy or whatever weird shit we’re stressing over. They’re going to do something stupid and fall out a window.

Have you ever seen something about to happen and been unable to stop it? Do you worry as much as I do? Do your kids do stupid shit?

67 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, small humans, thoughts

August 2, 2014

Most Unforgettable or Weirdest Idiot You Ever Saw

By Steph

Apparently I’ve always been a little weird. The other day I was doing a little stalking browsing on Facebook and ended up having to break out my old yearbooks. I got to reading the messages that people wrote in them and noticed a theme. The most-mentioned terms were “weirdness” or “goofiness” or “craziness.”

This led me to think back on my early years, to try and figure out just what exactly got me voted “Most Unforgettable.”

Here’s what I came up with:

In the 6th grade my mom found a nest of baby mice in her dresser drawer. While she was chasing the momma mouse down the hall with a broom, I was preparing a final resting place for the babies. I took a small box and filled it with Easter grass and wrapped it carefully. Then I buried it in the yard with due ceremony. I felt very proud of my humanity and the dignity in which I laid those mice to rest. Until my mother pointed out later that they were still alive when I buried them. I swear to you, it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me that I was burying them alive. Not once.

In the 7th grade I put an egg on the heat register of a classroom where the teacher taught us the value of using only one square of toilet paper in the restroom. This was ostensibly World History but we learned much more than that, including that a rotten egg smells terrible and the joke was on me as I was one of the people who had to smell it.

Also in 7th grade I used fake tanner. Only on my legs. I was (still am) whiter than white and I hated it (still do) but I was too lazy to apply the tanner everywhere, so I had very dark legs and very white everything else. I wish I had a picture of this ridiculousness. This was after I got sunburned so badly that I literally had blisters on my ass cheeks. I guess I felt like half tan was better than burnt to a crisp.

This, except opposite.

This, except opposite.

In 8th grade I had one of those sharks in a jar like you get from the beach. Normal enough, except my best friend and I decided to open it up and dissect it. Why, you ask? I have no fucking idea. This was also the year that a teacher asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was “eccentric.” I think I nailed that one.

In the 9th grade I decorated my shoes with multicolored yarn so that my feet closely resembled Fraggles. If you don’t know what Fraggles are, you are too young to be here.

In the 10th grade, my Home Ec vest project was such a disaster that I wrapped it in wet paper towels and threw it away in the bathroom, hoping that no one would be gross enough to investigate. They weren’t, but I still got an F.

In the 11th grade I wore those tall white socks with the colored stripes around the top. With shorts. Who am I kidding, I still wear those. I love those socks.

All through high school I used to skip school to go on my own private field trips. My best friend and I would go to zoos, drive through safaris, and animal rescues, where we would do irresponsible things like climb fences to pet elephants, feed Cheetos to monkeys, and get sprayed by ligers. Note: Monkeys will give you a rash. It’s unfortunate.

I still don’t really get it. None of those things seem exceptionally nutty to me…but then, my scale of weird may be different than others. What’s something you’ve done that people thought was crazy?

 

33 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in random bullshit

July 30, 2014

5 Things You Don’t Want to Hear at Work

By Steph

1. “My name is Mr. Pig and a tractor fell on me.”

I was working the admissions desk at an emergency room when this guy came in, literally moaning. He made the above statement and then proceeded to scream and yell incoherently until a doctor came running. It was my job to get the patient’s information before they were seen, but all I could get from this guy was, “Oh oh OHHHHH God” and “Oh Sweet JESUS HELP ME” and “OHHHHHH, MY LORD!” Right up until he got a shot of the good stuff, then he hopped up out of the bed and took off running.

2. “The reason you can’t breathe is cause that cop just maced the lady down the hall.”

At that same hospital, one night a patient became rather unruly. By happy coincidence there happened to be a police officer present at the time. We were all unhappy, though, when he decided to mace her right there in an enclosed space. We were all choking and coughing and cursing the rest of the night, unruly patient included.

3. “There’s a guy bleeding out in the parking lot.”

Oddly enough, this was NOT at the hospital. I was in the back office of a convenience store working on the schedule when one of the employees informed me that a truck had pulled up right in front of the doors and the driver was bleeding. I ran out, grabbing a dish towel on my way, and yelling at the clerk to call 911. I can only attribute my next actions to adrenaline or shock, because I really can’t see myself behaving the way I behaved without freaking out or at least throwing up. But I climbed up in the truck with the old, smelly, drunk, bleeding man and pressed the towel against his abdomen, where he informed me he had shot himself. The worst part about the whole ordeal was that every time he passed out, he would wake up irate and insisting that he needed to pee. I’m still not sure if he came to the gas station for help or to use the facilities.

4. “Those aren’t my drugs — wait! Don’t just throw them away!”

At the same store I found drugs two different times. When I questioned the employees, of course they denied it, but only one of them lost their shit when I went to flush their stash. (Ha-ha, lost their shit. See what I did there?)

5. “Straighten it out, it’s not broken.”

This, unfortunately, was said to me after I tripped over a frozen turkey and fractured my elbow. I know. Who does that?

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard at work?

64 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos

July 28, 2014

The Mean Girl Experience

By Steph

We all know them. We’ve all been cut by some scathing remark. We’ve all heard women putting each other down; the slut-shaming, the jealousy, the snide comments, and the whispers. We are our own worst enemy.

It’s been my experience that men don’t judge each other as harshly, if at all.

Swimming in the hotel pool last night, my daughter had her first “Mean Girl Experience.”

Now, she’s only 5, so she didn’t really understand that she was being snubbed and she wasn’t upset. But it got me to thinking. Is the Mean Girl trait something we’re born with? Is it some kind of evolutionary left-over and we just can’t help it? Do we learn to be bitchy to one another, or is it innate?

The two little girls who were so rude to my daughter were only a little older than she is. It wasn’t a big deal; Thing 3 was being her usual gregarious self and there were eye rolls and conspiratorial looks and then the, “We GET it, OKAY?” and they swam away laughing. She was just confused, if anything, and soon found another playmate.

But I was thinking, if it had been two little boys and one of my boys, the situation would have played out differently. They probably wouldn’t have even introduced themselves; they would’ve just started playing, or they wouldn’t. There wouldn’t have been any scoffing, any eye rolling, any mean looks, or a hateful tone of voice.

Those two little girls, maybe 6 years old, snubbed my daughter openly and cruelly for no reason other than that they could. It breaks my heart that Thing 3 is going to have to learn to armor her tender little heart against such coldness. That she is going to learn to hesitate before walking up to a group of women. That she is going to second guess her clothing, her hair, her makeup, and herself, because of Mean Girls. I hope that she will keep the confidence she has and that she will not buckle or change for anyone, but being a woman myself…I know that some of that is inevitable.

I wonder why we demand respect so forthrightly from men, but fail to give it to each other?

59 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, thoughts

July 25, 2014

Free Kitten

By Steph
Suzanne

Suzanne

Twelve weeks old, all black, long-haired, female kitten. This kitten is perfect for people who have an aversion to window treatments or a distaste for shower curtains.

She is helpful in the kitchen, leaving no crumbs in the floor and she will even clear the table after dinner.

She is litter box trained and has regular bathroom habits; like clockwork, 5 seconds after the litter box is cleaned, she will refill it for you.

She trims plants to keep them at an acceptable and healthy height of approximately one inch above the dirt and fertilizes them frequently.

Suzanne chases bugs and other enemies and lets nothing get in the way of her goals. She is task oriented and very determined.

This kitten communicates well and often, both verbally and with use of handy retractable claws. She prefers to sleep the majority of the day so she can be on duty all night. She will let you know promptly if there is a problem needing your attention, such as an intruder (flying or crawling) or if one bite has been taken out of her food bowl.

Suzanne would be a credit to a household with children. She is a highly trained, attentive babysitter and can corral the tamest to the wildest of children, using different tactics. For more timid children, Suzanne will simply walk past them causing them to shriek in terror and run away. Mothers will know this is a highly desirable outcome. For children who are braver and/or not very intelligent, Suzanne will pretend to be a baby and will submit to stroller rides and rocking, to a point. Once she has them where she wants them, she will then leap from the baby carriage and run the children in circles until they collapse from exhaustion, trapped within the destruction they have created.

Suzanne the kitten would make a wonderful addition to any family who has adequate insurance coverage.

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, nature hates me, random bullshit, total chaos