Tag Archives: pets

October 7, 2014

Free Birth Control

By Steph

Alternate title: Top 5 Disgusting Things That Have Happened in the Last 24 Hours

So, I love my family to pieces, I really do.

But they are so gross. It’s unbelievable, really.

Here are the top 5 disgusting things I’ve had to deal with in just the last 24 hours.

1. Lunch boxes. I don’t know how these kids can destroy a lunchbox like this, but here is what greeted me last night when I went to make lunches:

A nice banana-chocolate pudding surprise.

A nice banana-chocolate pudding surprise.

2. My daughter hardcore blew her nose into her own hair. It was a sight to behold and I wish I had thought to take a picture because I totally would’ve shared that with you.

3. My cat just ran over acres of hardwood flooring to puke on a calendar that is for some reason laying in the floor. I actually learned something from this, and that is that I can lay any random piece of shit I don’t care about in the floor and as long as it looks like something I do care about, my cat will puke on it rather than the floor. I had thought she was purposefully puking on my carpet, but now I see that anything she thinks I love will do just fine.

I blocked it out because I love you.

I blocked it out because I love you.

4.  I went outside because I wasn’t ready to clean up cat puke and this was the first thing I saw:

A dog. Licking his penis. At 7 a.m. And it's not even my dog.

A dog. Licking his penis. At 7 a.m. And it’s not even my dog.

5. This morning Thing 3 was blowing her nose again, this time thankfully with a tissue, but each time she blew she would wipe up her nose instead of wiping like any normal person would. So she was getting snot all over her face. I felt like I had done enough in the snot department last night when I spent 30 minutes trying to wash boogers out of her hair, so I tried to tell her the right way to wipe. This led to many tears and much more snot. Not exactly what I was going for.

I thought my house was messy yesterday, and I knew it smelled like I was raising a herd of gerbils, but at least it wasn’t covered in snot and cat puke and chocolate pudding. Ah, motherhood. I can’t wait till they get home from school. Maybe someone will shit on me and really round out my day.

Do you think they are trying to break me? (They obviously don’t realize who they are dealing with.) Do your kids/pets test your mettle in the most horrific ways they can think of? Is this your dog?

41 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, parenting, small humans, total chaos

July 25, 2014

Free Kitten

By Steph
Suzanne

Suzanne

Twelve weeks old, all black, long-haired, female kitten. This kitten is perfect for people who have an aversion to window treatments or a distaste for shower curtains.

She is helpful in the kitchen, leaving no crumbs in the floor and she will even clear the table after dinner.

She is litter box trained and has regular bathroom habits; like clockwork, 5 seconds after the litter box is cleaned, she will refill it for you.

She trims plants to keep them at an acceptable and healthy height of approximately one inch above the dirt and fertilizes them frequently.

Suzanne chases bugs and other enemies and lets nothing get in the way of her goals. She is task oriented and very determined.

This kitten communicates well and often, both verbally and with use of handy retractable claws. She prefers to sleep the majority of the day so she can be on duty all night. She will let you know promptly if there is a problem needing your attention, such as an intruder (flying or crawling) or if one bite has been taken out of her food bowl.

Suzanne would be a credit to a household with children. She is a highly trained, attentive babysitter and can corral the tamest to the wildest of children, using different tactics. For more timid children, Suzanne will simply walk past them causing them to shriek in terror and run away. Mothers will know this is a highly desirable outcome. For children who are braver and/or not very intelligent, Suzanne will pretend to be a baby and will submit to stroller rides and rocking, to a point. Once she has them where she wants them, she will then leap from the baby carriage and run the children in circles until they collapse from exhaustion, trapped within the destruction they have created.

Suzanne the kitten would make a wonderful addition to any family who has adequate insurance coverage.

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, nature hates me, random bullshit, total chaos

July 10, 2014

Rambling On: Updates and Nonsense

By Steph

The kitten is still an incorrigible asshole. She is an ill-mannered pest and doesn’t care who knows it. If she didn’t have such a penchant for riding on my shoulder like some sort of furry appendage, I probably would’ve kicked her tiny ass already.

Get. It. Off.

Get. It. Off.

I had another blessed doctor’s appointment today and now they want to stick needles in my spine. I get to choose whether or not to be sedated. Are you fucking kidding me? My choice is always going to be sedation. Always.

I went to a thrift store while I was out and saw a few interesting items.

 

This gal brought back so many fond memories.

This gal brought back so many fond memories.

Guess what this next picture is and I’ll give you a cyber high five.

What Am I?

What Am I?

And finally, to demonstrate just how classy we are here in Arkansas, we apparently publish a small paper titled Arkansas Jailbirds. This is comprised solely of mugshots and charges and is quite the entertaining read. The lady I purchased mine from said that she’d sold one to a woman who claimed that all three of her children were in the same edition. The paper has features such as “Frequent Flyers” and “Wild Birds.” I’m not sure what constitutes a wild bird, but I intend to find out, as I’ll be subscribing to this publication immediately.

 

 

 

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos

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