Tag Archives: high school

Back-To-School Again

In honor of another back-to-school day where I feel torn between jubilation and anxiety, I’m reposting what I wrote last year at this time.

“The kids went back to school today. I started freaking out about it Friday and proceeded to organize everything in my house, like it would somehow protect them from bullies, mean teachers, yucky food, and head lice.  If everything was in just the right spot, what could go wrong? (I realize this is nuts.  Thanks.)”

I was sick Thursday and Friday and in the ER Saturday so I didn’t actually start organizing until Sunday.

“I think I did pretty good at hiding my back-to-school and sending-my-baby-to-Pre-K anxiety from the children. I was all hearts and flowers and “It will be SO MUCH FUN! Aren’t you EXCITED?!” But inside I was like “Waaaaa! My babies.””

This year I have a kindergartener, a sixth grader, and a junior.  Oh. My. God.

“I’m not alone in this.  My husband has called me three times this morning, the last time to ask if he “should just go take a peek and see how she’s doing.”  No.  That’s frowned upon.  I know my limits, so I’m just staying away from that school. If any of the three kids even wrinkled a nose at me, I’d have ‘em packed in the car and the homeschool books ordered.”

My husband is generally very calm and he is still calm today, but he is very worried about the bus situation. The bus situation consists of our kids riding the bus. Shut up, it’s a situation.

“I see the pros of school.  Interacting with peers, learning to follow rules, getting along with others, learning how to deal with assholes – these are all things children need to know.  But not every kid is a yellow #2 pencil.  I don’t want my purple-striped, glitter-covered, shiny-polka-dotted, maybe-chewed-a-little-bit pencils sharpened down until they match all the others.”

This. *sigh*

 


Most Unforgettable or Weirdest Idiot You Ever Saw

Apparently I’ve always been a little weird. The other day I was doing a little stalking browsing on Facebook and ended up having to break out my old yearbooks. I got to reading the messages that people wrote in them and noticed a theme. The most-mentioned terms were “weirdness” or “goofiness” or “craziness.”

This led me to think back on my early years, to try and figure out just what exactly got me voted “Most Unforgettable.”

Here’s what I came up with:

In the 6th grade my mom found a nest of baby mice in her dresser drawer. While she was chasing the momma mouse down the hall with a broom, I was preparing a final resting place for the babies. I took a small box and filled it with Easter grass and wrapped it carefully. Then I buried it in the yard with due ceremony. I felt very proud of my humanity and the dignity in which I laid those mice to rest. Until my mother pointed out later that they were still alive when I buried them. I swear to you, it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me that I was burying them alive. Not once.

In the 7th grade I put an egg on the heat register of a classroom where the teacher taught us the value of using only one square of toilet paper in the restroom. This was ostensibly World History but we learned much more than that, including that a rotten egg smells terrible and the joke was on me as I was one of the people who had to smell it.

Also in 7th grade I used fake tanner. Only on my legs. I was (still am) whiter than white and I hated it (still do) but I was too lazy to apply the tanner everywhere, so I had very dark legs and very white everything else. I wish I had a picture of this ridiculousness. This was after I got sunburned so badly that I literally had blisters on my ass cheeks. I guess I felt like half tan was better than burnt to a crisp.

This, except opposite.

This, except opposite.

In 8th grade I had one of those sharks in a jar like you get from the beach. Normal enough, except my best friend and I decided to open it up and dissect it. Why, you ask? I have no fucking idea. This was also the year that a teacher asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was “eccentric.” I think I nailed that one.

In the 9th grade I decorated my shoes with multicolored yarn so that my feet closely resembled Fraggles. If you don’t know what Fraggles are, you are too young to be here.

In the 10th grade, my Home Ec vest project was such a disaster that I wrapped it in wet paper towels and threw it away in the bathroom, hoping that no one would be gross enough to investigate. They weren’t, but I still got an F.

In the 11th grade I wore those tall white socks with the colored stripes around the top. With shorts. Who am I kidding, I still wear those. I love those socks.

All through high school I used to skip school to go on my own private field trips. My best friend and I would go to zoos, drive through safaris, and animal rescues, where we would do irresponsible things like climb fences to pet elephants, feed Cheetos to monkeys, and get sprayed by ligers. Note: Monkeys will give you a rash. It’s unfortunate.

I still don’t really get it. None of those things seem exceptionally nutty to me…but then, my scale of weird may be different than others. What’s something you’ve done that people thought was crazy?

 


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