1. “My name is Mr. Pig and a tractor fell on me.”
I was working the admissions desk at an emergency room when this guy came in, literally moaning. He made the above statement and then proceeded to scream and yell incoherently until a doctor came running. It was my job to get the patient’s information before they were seen, but all I could get from this guy was, “Oh oh OHHHHH God” and “Oh Sweet JESUS HELP ME” and “OHHHHHH, MY LORD!” Right up until he got a shot of the good stuff, then he hopped up out of the bed and took off running.
2. “The reason you can’t breathe is cause that cop just maced the lady down the hall.”
At that same hospital, one night a patient became rather unruly. By happy coincidence there happened to be a police officer present at the time. We were all unhappy, though, when he decided to mace her right there in an enclosed space. We were all choking and coughing and cursing the rest of the night, unruly patient included.
3. “There’s a guy bleeding out in the parking lot.”
Oddly enough, this was NOT at the hospital. I was in the back office of a convenience store working on the schedule when one of the employees informed me that a truck had pulled up right in front of the doors and the driver was bleeding. I ran out, grabbing a dish towel on my way, and yelling at the clerk to call 911. I can only attribute my next actions to adrenaline or shock, because I really can’t see myself behaving the way I behaved without freaking out or at least throwing up. But I climbed up in the truck with the old, smelly, drunk, bleeding man and pressed the towel against his abdomen, where he informed me he had shot himself. The worst part about the whole ordeal was that every time he passed out, he would wake up irate and insisting that he needed to pee. I’m still not sure if he came to the gas station for help or to use the facilities.
4. “Those aren’t my drugs — wait! Don’t just throw them away!”
At the same store I found drugs two different times. When I questioned the employees, of course they denied it, but only one of them lost their shit when I went to flush their stash. (Ha-ha, lost their shit. See what I did there?)
5. “Straighten it out, it’s not broken.”
This, unfortunately, was said to me after I tripped over a frozen turkey and fractured my elbow. I know. Who does that?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard at work?