5 Things You Don’t Want to Hear at Work

1. “My name is Mr. Pig and a tractor fell on me.”

I was working the admissions desk at an emergency room when this guy came in, literally moaning. He made the above statement and then proceeded to scream and yell incoherently until a doctor came running. It was my job to get the patient’s information before they were seen, but all I could get from this guy was, “Oh oh OHHHHH God” and “Oh Sweet JESUS HELP ME” and “OHHHHHH, MY LORD!” Right up until he got a shot of the good stuff, then he hopped up out of the bed and took off running.

2. “The reason you can’t breathe is cause that cop just maced the lady down the hall.”

At that same hospital, one night a patient became rather unruly. By happy coincidence there happened to be a police officer present at the time. We were all unhappy, though, when he decided to mace her right there in an enclosed space. We were all choking and coughing and cursing the rest of the night, unruly patient included.

3. “There’s a guy bleeding out in the parking lot.”

Oddly enough, this was NOT at the hospital. I was in the back office of a convenience store working on the schedule when one of the employees informed me that a truck had pulled up right in front of the doors and the driver was bleeding. I ran out, grabbing a dish towel on my way, and yelling at the clerk to call 911. I can only attribute my next actions to adrenaline or shock, because I really can’t see myself behaving the way I behaved without freaking out or at least throwing up. But I climbed up in the truck with the old, smelly, drunk, bleeding man and pressed the towel against his abdomen, where he informed me he had shot himself. The worst part about the whole ordeal was that every time he passed out, he would wake up irate and insisting that he needed to pee. I’m still not sure if he came to the gas station for help or to use the facilities.

4. “Those aren’t my drugs — wait! Don’t just throw them away!”

At the same store I found drugs two different times. When I questioned the employees, of course they denied it, but only one of them lost their shit when I went to flush their stash. (Ha-ha, lost their shit. See what I did there?)

5. “Straighten it out, it’s not broken.”

This, unfortunately, was said to me after I tripped over a frozen turkey and fractured my elbow. I know. Who does that?

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard at work?

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

64 responses to “5 Things You Don’t Want to Hear at Work

  • J Rose

    A student once told me that her little brother sexually assaulted their dog’s anus. She was laughing about it and not asking to go to the counselor, so that was pretty disturbing. It was also disturbing remembering that when he was in my class the next year.


  • Michelle Traub

    While working as an outpatient dietitian I had a patient challenge my advice to lay off the “dozen eggs a day routine” by noting that he had read in the newspaper that prisoners had rioted over not getting eggs for breakfast, so they must be good. You can’t argue with that logic.

    I had another patient who kept saying, “Doc why am I so F***ing Fat!” He then told me he biked for miles on the weekend, which left me especially puzzled. Until I uncovered that the “bike” in question was a motorcycle.


  • Bradley

    I never found anyone’s stash, but we had fire alarms go off on a regular basis because someone was always throwing their hot crack pipes in the bathroom trash. I always wondered why they threw perfectly good pipes away rather than use them again.


  • Sarah (est. 1975)

    First story is best story. I wish he had been yelling “Soooo-eeey” though. 😉


    • Steph

      HA! Had he been yelling sooo-eeey, he probably would’ve been high-fived before the dr gave him drugs, cause this is Arkansas, yo. Home of the hogs, wooo pig soooeeeey!


  • Phil Taylor

    The craziest thing I ever heard was when I worked in an E.R. He said, “So I got curious about my testicles and I looked up some stuff online. Then I cut it open and took one out. I got worried when I couldn’t get it back in.”


  • Mental Mama

    Apparently I have never worked anywhere interesting enough.


  • Twindaddy

    Hmmmmmmm…….well, there was the homeless guy sleeping on the floor in the handicapped stall. Another homeless guy sleeping on the futon display (he wasn’t sleeping, he was testing it out), and was the dude that pulled the BB gun he had just stolen on the officer apprehending him for stealing it, there was the fire when someone jury rigged a car stereo to a car battery. Shit, I could go on…


  • Cassandra

    Thank you for reminding me why I am so grateful that I now work out of my living room. Never once have I encountered mace or a bleeding man in my kitchen.


    • Steph

      I know, right? I’ve been at home for the past 6 or 7 years and I couldn’t take going back to the “real” world. It’s just so peaceful here in my little office.


  • gluestickmum

    ‘The Christmas party’s cancelled. The ceiling just fell on Marianne.’


    • Steph

      Oh oh oh! I need to hear more of this story.


      • gluestickmum

        I was working in a school office, a day before the end of term before Christmas. If things had gone to plan 90 10 and 11-year-olds would have had their Christmas party before a day of do-nothing. Fabulous. Except that lunchtime part of the canteen ceiling fell down, landing on the one nice dinner lady, Marianne. It couldn’t have been The Wicked Witch of the West, who for unfathomable reasons had spent 40 years supervising kids at lunchtime despite clearly HATING children. No, had to be the nice one. But actually it could have been a whole lot worse. Plaster’s not exactly light.
        So, anyway, Marianne got taken to hospital and that half of the school was condemned until fixed in January. Cue 90 disgruntled 10 and 11-year-olds and a sentence that instantly sprang to mind as the weirdest ever…
        …although calling up to the staff room to let them know ‘Mr Barratt has just stormed into Year 5/6 and assaulted Mr Stanley with a foam football,’ was also a bit random. God love chavvy parents.


  • April Tolliver

    Oh man. Stories. Well, first you should know I work in community corrections. That right there should tell you that I’ve got stories.

    In general-Do you know how many guys want a woman to watch them pee? we conduct supervised urinalysis tests, and more men than I can count tried to get me to supervise theirs.

    A female client literally hissed at me, like a cat, when I wouldn’t let her have her way. TWICE. I thought about barking back.

    The best thing though, is the excuses (some of these are dirty, you are forewarned)

    Excuses on drug use-

    “The Guatemalans spiked my coffee with meth”

    “I don’t do meth, but my boyfriend does, and I went down on him and swallowed. That’s why I’m hot for meth”

    “I let my boyfriend sprinkle coke on my (vagina) before he went down on me”

    “First I did meth, but then I got high and got scared, so I took a Xanax to calm down. But then the high went away so I found another friend who gave me some meth and heroin mixed together, and we did that and smoked some weed so I didn’t get TOO high and that’s why my UA is hot (For like EVERY DRUG EVER)”

    I love my job 🙂


  • Michelle

    This is one of the weirdest things I ever heard at a job and I’m just going to go ahead and leave it out of context.

    How much draino do I have to put in my mouth?


  • heylookawriterfellow

    Maybe the guy who shot himself originally intended to just use the bathroom, but when he found it occupied he was too impatient to wait his turn.


  • stef

    At work? Hmm. I worked at a clinic and a hospital, and then did medical transcription for 12 years for big L.A. Hospitals, so you can’t BELIEVE some of the stuff that came through my headphones. Or probably you can.

    One that stands out from transcribing, was THIS little gem:

    “This 30-something female arrived to ER at 0200 stating that her car broke down by the side of the road, and she was afraid of being robbed, so she hid her wedding ring (SOMEWHERE IT REALLY SHOULDN’T BE). Patient now complains she can’t find her ring and is requesting x-ray”.


    “Patient is a XX-year-old male who comes in after having hit his arm with a nail gun, driving the nail through his forearm.”

    Then last year, my husband called me, and when I said “how’s it going?” he said, “Not that great. XXX just cut his hand off.” He’s always calm, but yes, a man actually CUT HIS HAND OFF in front of my husband, with a piece of our equipment. He waited with him til the ambulance crew came, holding it in place and keeping pressure on it for the guy, but our friend did end up with an amputation. Not even kidding (also not funny–sorry).


    • Steph

      You were a medical transcriptionist? Did I know that? I am too! Or was. Looking for a new job now.

      That’s terrible about the amputation! That poor man, and your poor husband.


      • stef

        I loved that job…did it forevAH. No end of interesting stuff to listen to. lol Try MedQuist, if they’re still around; they were a good place to work from home. I haven’t typed since 2008 though, so I can’t get back into it after such a long gap. Email me anytime if you have questions- always happy to help. 😀


  • Spoken Like A True Nut

    “Oh, by the way, John and Jane got fired over the weekend for stealing leftover Hallowe’en candy from the pallets in back, but Jane got her job back because she’s a meth addict and claims she needed the sugar and if we didn’t hire her back it would be discrimination.”


  • thetattootourist

    had a hard time getting past Mr. Pig and the tractor. So. many. Questions. best thing I ever heard at someone elses workplace; In rural Alaska (is there any other kind?) went into a liquor store and asked the guy if they sold ice. His answer? “Oh we got ice – but it aint frozen.”


  • Jana

    Arch Bitch at work: Since my hysterectomy, I taste sour.

    Me: You taste SOUR? How do you know? Did someone…tell you?

    Arch Bitch: No — *Smiles coyly as she takes her finger and swipes it along her crotch and then sticks it in her mouth* — I found out myself.

    Ewwww…..just ewwwwww.


  • Laurie Free

    I worked in hr. one dude started to get verbally aggressive and I hit the security button. a 90 lb 90 year old security guard came to my “rescue”.


  • Belladonna Took

    I used to run a dog rescue, so my work happened pretty much all over the place. One time I’d picked up a dog in a town about four hours away, and before we went home I stopped in at Petco to pick up some hypoallergenic food for him. Usually I would take the dogs in with me, but it had been a long drive, he was tired, I was tired, so I left him in the car. I was standing in line sort of staring into space and someone suddenly exclaimed, “There’s a car on fire in the parking lot!” Well, golly gee, I joined the general surge to take a look, and OH SHIT it was MY car. I nearly went through the plate glass window! Fortunately someone had tried to put out the fire and, in the process, seen the dog and got him out. Only ONE person actually tried to do anything … There must have been around 30 people standing around filming it on their cell phones.


  • msmonsterful

    My reaction to this post and comments:



  • AmberLynn Pappas

    I sympathize with number 5. When I lived in Colorado I took snowboarding lessons and during one of those lessons, broke my arm….in 4 places! When it happened I lay there on the slope, upside down, waiting for my instructor. He got to me and asked me to get up and I informed him that my arm was broken and I couldn’t get up because I had no leverage. He helped me out of my bindings and upright saying that it was only sprained. Then he took me to the emergency room at the bottom of the mountain. They also said I’d probably just sprained my wrist, so they took my jacket off and then told me it was dislocated, so they put me in traction. After that they tried to “relocate” the bones and discovered that my arm really was broken…in 4 places, and that they weren’t going to be able to put it back into place without surgery. Aren’t these people supposed to be professionals?! Oh….and did I mention that all of this was going on without pain killers because they can try to anesthetize me all they want, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. You can only imagine how the surgery went….a week after the injury occurred. Nice job docs!


    • Steph

      OMG! That’s terrible! Four places…I can’t even imagine. I just remembered that the first time I ever broke a bone, the lady kept telling me it wasn’t broken. What is it with people?


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