Tag Archives: funny

Hobbies Include: Reading to Mystery Animals in the Dark

I haven’t posted here since APRIL? Damn.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. Listen. I am in a full-on panic. Like, I just looked at my keyboard to see if there was a button to record. Video. Of myself. Freaking out. That is so far from something I would EVER do, let alone today, when I’m post-3-days-sick and look it, and also losing my shit so completely that I’ve even wondered if I’m tripping. (I’m not.)

*deep breath*

*another, because omg, y’all*

Fuck. Okay. So. As mentioned above, I’ve been feeling pretty shitty for a few days. Maybe I’ll get into that later. (I really should, I know you guys are just dying to know. *laughs and then cries and then remembers I have a point here*)

Dammit.

I’ve been waking up pretty early, around 4 in the morning, and it’s still really dark here at 4 a.m. because normal people are asleep in their beds at that ungodly hour, and not outside discovering all the reasons they should be INSIDE FOR THE REST OF FOREVER.

No, seriously, I didn’t decide that until just now. And it’s 12:30 in the afternoon.

My first visitor was adorable:

 

I even slowly walked towards her to get better pictures. The video is really shaky, because I was excited/prepared to run and also my body just does whatever the fuck it wants to now, whether I’m into it or not. (I’m not.)

The next morning it was earlier, and much darker, so I was on the deck sitting in the (presumably) safe glow of the motion light when the fox literally walked right the fuck up to me on my damned deck.

She and I noticed each other at the same time and had about the same reaction, except after I turned and ran I came back.

This morning, just as I opened the door, I spotted 8 or so Mystery Animals trundling across the driveway and into the woods. One was an adult, I think, followed by a bunch of little rolling-walking babies. I couldn’t see them clearly (which should be obvious following that description) but I could tell they walked funny. Maybe really fat racoons? I don’t know.

After all that, I decided I was being too quiet out there. The reek of sick human and cigarette smoke wasn’t working as a wild-animal-repellent.

So that’s why I read the news out loud this morning. And that’s why I was totally shocked when I looked up and saw that the baby deer and his mom, who are pretty much always somewhere around, were Right There, so close they could’ve eaten my flowers had they not already done that.

Throw in the bobcat my son and I saw a couple weeks ago, and I was starting to feel like an R-rated Disney princess. Of course, there’s no way Mother Nature was gonna let that shit stand.

I was almost finished catching all my new friends up on the news, when Something Very Rude made a scary huffy-growly sound and, I mean, it was a heartbreaking article about Lithuania, but don’t bite the messenger and all that. Story hour ended very quickly, and I did not go back outside until daylight.

And here we are. I’m feeling a bit better since my complete and total freak out above.

After all these recent encounters with wildlife went smoothly, I should’ve known shit was about to go down. But I did not. I was even singing and wearing headphones outside. It’s like I have a subconscious desire to be maimed or at least very worried by something sneaky.

This is how it happened: We have an above-ground pool, and I have to stand on my tip-toes to see over the side and into the water. Which is what I was doing when I saw a mutant creature from outer space swimming in my pool.

You have to understand, I hired people to literally dig out part of my yard so I could have the pool placed in that very spot. It gets sun most of the day, so it’s always warm-ish. With all my various conditions, I can’t hack cold water for more than like 2 seconds. I have enjoyed the shit out of that pool. Even though we’ve had problems getting the chemical levels just right, because we are pool-care virgins, I’ve been in and out of it multiple times a day.

I also have 9 Highly Suspicious Bug Bites. A normal person would probably have gone to the doctor, but I didn’t because ticks have already royally fucked me and I already have All the Things.

It did not occur to me that anything in my pool had the ability to bite me. I mean, what the fuck? Even though I put the damn thing kind of near a hickory tree that may or may not be purposely thwarting my leaf-removal efforts, the pool is still cleaner than the river, right?!

River Bird 2018

Just making sure I had the correct fingers raised. (I did.)

I was not attacked then, and I laid right there, in the river, just like that, for the majority of our “float trip.” But a swimming pool full of chlorine and all sorts of other chemicals I can’t figure out and don’t really want to? Why wouldn’t there be a prehistoric, should-be-fucking-extinct-ass-bug in there swimming laps?

UPDATE: This morning I inspected the pool from a safe distance and there wasn’t a single living creature in it. So, I’m pretty glad that I didn’t set it on fire like I wanted to yesterday. Also, Google and my husband both assured me that Ed (the dangerous dinosaur bug) was not responsible for my bites.

 

 


More Shit My Family Says

Hi there.

As you can see, I survived the Holiday Season, fraught with human interaction though it was. It has taken me this long to reach some semblance of recovery…you know, back to my normal state of pajamas and pony tails and questionable hygiene.

I’m just going to dip my toes into the blog in this first post, and maybe next time I will plug my nose and jump all the way in.

Here are some of the Most Ridiculous Things my family has said to me during my break.

 

From my 6-year-old.

From my 6-year-old.

 

Thing 1: I slept for like 13 hours!

Me: I know. I thought about waking you guys up, but I knew you’d want me to feed you.

Thing 1: Wow…the maternal instinct is so strong…I can’t even.

 

Husband: *speaks only in puns for a damned hour*

Me: Your puns are not making me happy.

 

Thing 3: Boogycalla.

Me:

Thing 3: A long time ago, ancient people used that word for ‘hello.’

 

Me: I hate everything that’s on my desk.

Husband: You also hate everything that’s not on your desk.

Me: Excellent point.

 

Thing 1: So…food?

Me: It’s one o’clock. I’ll make dinner at dinnertime.

Thing 1:

Me: I can’t feed you twice a day! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

Thing 1:

Me: Anyway, dinner is the most important meal of the day.

Thing 1: We’ve been talking for like 10 minutes and you’ve lied to me three times.

 

*You may have noticed a theme here regarding my children and their near-constant demands for nourishment. I don’t know if all kids are like this, but mine like to eat at least 12 times a day. I personally don’t care how much they eat, it’s how much they expect me to cook that appalls me.

I would like to point out that these kids are 16, 12, and 6.

1.5 of them are fully capable of cooking for themselves without supervision.

**Thing 2 is missing from this post because all he says anymore sounds to me like, “Football, football, yardline, pass, interception, football, that guy, football, some guy, Madden, football, football, football.” It is barely English.


Shark Tears and Other Lies

Today I went back to the cardiologist, where I learned that my heart is fine (yay!) and doctors are still unfunny.

Thing 1, though, thinks that he is very funny because while we were having lunch he somehow convinced me that shark tears do not have salt in them.  I know.  I am so bad at math.  And geography.  And zoology.

shark tears

After we gorged ourselves and he mocked me about imaginary freshwater tears, we had a pretty enjoyable day with my Grandma.

Right up until this monsoon thing hit us at the grocery store.  Here were Thing 1 and I, struggling like Dorothy and Toto to hold the cart and unload it into the car, and my Grandma just kind of blows past us and into another store.  I think her shopping cart may have been pulling her at that point.  The wind was blowing so hard that there was grit in my eyes, my mouth, and even in my shoes.  A trashcan next to me blew away.  And here’s my Gram, just shopping her little heart out.  I guess if you’ve lived through a hurricane you don’t get flustered by much, but damn.

When we got home it was still pouring, so I hurried around the car to help her up the steps.  And busted my ass.  I mean, I went down so fast I don’t even know what happened but I do know it hurts like hell now.  That woman is more spry than I am and she’s damned near 80 years old.  I don’t even know what I was thinking.

Once we were at our house, I was trying to get everything put up, but as usual there were kids in my way.

Me:  Would you move please?

Thing2:  Why? Am I in your way?

Me:  YES!  I’d like to get this laundry put away before it melts.

Thing1: Hahahaha. You are insane.

 

And that reminds me of the other day.

Thing1: What do you even do around here?

I replied, “Oh, I just keep on keepin on.”

For some reason he requested that I stop talking after that.

 

Then he had the hiccups, so I, of course, said “bless you.”

T1:  Whaaa?!

me: *blank stare*

T1:  I think you just confused the hiccups out of me.

Husband:  Awesome.  We found your skill set.

 

And I can’t leave out Thing 3.  Last night she came running in from bible school, obviously excited.

Me:  What?  Did you have fun?? *smiling*

T3:  Did you know that DADDY had OTHER GIRLFRIENDS before you?????

Me:  And this is what they are teaching you at vacation bible school?

T3:  Lots of girlfriends.  *giggles*

 

Now I need to go because there is chewed up paper towel all over my bed and I don’t even know whether to blame a child or a pet.


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