August 24, 2013

The Five Dollar Goat

By Steph

So.  Gus came in smiling.  I was scared.

Gus:  Hey.

Me:  What did you do?

Gus:  Um.  I bought a goat.  For $5.

Me:  O-kay.

Gus:  And.

Me: What?

Gus:  She needs to be milked twice a day.

Me:  .

Gus:  It’ll be fun.

Me: .

Gus:  Look, do you want cookies and milk during the apocalypse, or not?

Me: .

Gus:  That’s what I thought.

  • I went along with this, mostly because I know how distraught he was over the loss of the polka dotted goat, and I am just selfless like that.
  • Goat’s milk is kind of gross.  Mostly because goat teats are pretty gross and I
    just cannot bring myself to put anything in my mouth that came out of those
    things.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in nature hates me, total chaos

August 24, 2013

Best Valentine Ever.

By Steph
7:30 a.m.  Valentine’s Day about 7 years ago (I’ve been working on this awhile, okay?)
Me:  What the fuck have you done?
Gus: Huh?
ME:  THERE IS A GOAT ON OUR PORCH.  A GOAT WITH ORANGE POLKA DOTS.
Gus:  You should probably get some sleep.  (I used to work nights.)
Me:  Seriously, you have got to see this.
*Ok, so this was going to be a picture of  said goat.  Unfortunately, someone has  sabotaged me and I can’t find the damn picture.   However, I googled “spray painted goat” and apparently this is  an act of terrorism and animal cruelty.  I had no idea I was part of an epidemic.   Sweet.
Gus:  Holy shit.
Me:  Did you spray paint that goat?  Because I think that might be illegal.
Gus:  Is that a sticker on its ass?
Me:  Yeah.   It says “do not remove.”
Gus: Can  I keep it?
Me:  Are you fucking kidding me?  Where did you get this goat?  WHY did you get this goat?
Gus:  I’m gonna try to catch it.
**He did not  catch it.  He claims that he doesn’t know  where it came from, nor who painted it and put a sticker on its goat-ass.  I have my doubts.  I went to sleep and when I got up the goat  was gone.  Gus was very upset about the loss.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, total chaos

August 24, 2013

Conversation regarding blogging, drug use, and the importance of a good alias.

By Steph
Initially I had decided not to tell my husband I was starting a blog.  But since we have an open relationship (not that kind of open, ohmygod) I decided I had to.  Also, since I’m going to be talking (shit) about him frequently I guess it’s only fair.
Gus:  A blog?  Cool.
Me:  Yeah, I thought I should tell you because some things are going to change around here.   I’m not going to have time for a lot of things.  Like cleaning the house and my real job.
Gus:  We’ll hire someone.  (He’s so supportive.)
Me:  Also, I may have to start doing drugs.  You know, so my life is more interesting.
Gus:  You’re not going to use my name are you?
Me:  Yeah. But not your whole name.   Did you hear me say I’m going to have to get a habit?  For work.
Gus:  I want you to refer to me as Gus.
Me:  No, you are not a Gus.  Come up with something better.   Now, about the drugs.
Gus:  No.  Call me Gus. You can even explain that I’m not really a Gus.
Me:  No.
Gus:   Then I don’t want to be in it.
Me:  Too bad.
Gus:  I’m killing you off in my book.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Blogging, random bullshit, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor