7:30 a.m. Valentine’s Day about 7 years ago (I’ve been working on this awhile, okay?)
Me: What the fuck have you done?
ME: THERE IS A GOAT ON OUR PORCH. A GOAT WITH ORANGE POLKA DOTS.
Gus: You should probably get some sleep. (I used to work nights.)
Me: Seriously, you have got to see this.
*Ok, so this was going to be a picture of said goat. Unfortunately, someone has sabotaged me and I can’t find the damn picture. However, I googled “spray painted goat” and apparently this is an act of terrorism and animal cruelty. I had no idea I was part of an epidemic. Sweet.
Gus: Holy shit.
Me: Did you spray paint that goat? Because I think that might be illegal.
Gus: Is that a sticker on its ass?
Me: Yeah. It says “do not remove.”
Gus: Can I keep it?
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? Where did you get this goat? WHY did you get this goat?
Gus: I’m gonna try to catch it.
**He did not catch it. He claims that he doesn’t know where it came from, nor who painted it and put a sticker on its goat-ass. I have my doubts. I went to sleep and when I got up the goat was gone. Gus was very upset about the loss.