Category Archives: thoughts

August 26, 2014

PTSD

By Steph

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Things are not going well here in the land of the lost.

I realize that I’ve been sick so much in the last few weeks that I’ve missed or thrown up my medication more than I’ve taken it so I’m basically free balling here and that doesn’t work well for me.

I keep trying to tell myself to just hang on until I’m back mostly on level and that Depression Lies and that my kids need their mom. But I keep asking myself what is the point to a life where you are always sick, either mentally or physically or both?

I’m so tired of being sick.

I’m so tired of being sad.

This is a pathetic post and I’m done with it.

Here’s some information about PTSD. The bolded parts are from WebMD.

 

Post-traumatic stress disorder can be crippling. Many people think that PTSD is limited to people who have been in war or lived through some horrific act of violence. Those people can and do suffer from PTSD, but they are not the only ones.

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 14. Twenty years ago. And I’m still dealing with it today.

From WebMD:

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) … is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event ….

…PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror…

…Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life.

Symptoms of PTSD often are grouped into three main categories, including:

Reliving: People with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma…

Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma…

Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being “jumpy” or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea, and diarrhea.

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A problem I have with PTSD is that I feel guilty that it is still a problem. I feel like I should be “over it” by now and sometimes feel like my friends and family feel that way too. Feeling guilty for being sick doesn’t help, and in fact only adds to my anxiety and depression. I don’t know how to “fix” myself. I don’t know how to be better. I would not choose a life of pain and fear if I had the choice. I did not choose to have fibromyalgia, chronic debilitating migraines, chronic pain syndrome, or the Alpha-gal allergy anymore than I chose to have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. These are all things that I fight through every single day. And it is a fight. Right now, it’s a fight that I feel like I’m losing.

I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I come from under this black cloud. Eventually I will be in the sun and I will be proud that I made it through again.

If you are struggling too, tell me about it. I probably don’t have the words to help, but I can listen. If you are happy, tell me that too. It will help me see through this dark.

55 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, thoughts, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

August 18, 2014

Back-To-School Again

By Steph

In honor of another back-to-school day where I feel torn between jubilation and anxiety, I’m reposting what I wrote last year at this time.

“The kids went back to school today. I started freaking out about it Friday and proceeded to organize everything in my house, like it would somehow protect them from bullies, mean teachers, yucky food, and head lice.  If everything was in just the right spot, what could go wrong? (I realize this is nuts.  Thanks.)”

I was sick Thursday and Friday and in the ER Saturday so I didn’t actually start organizing until Sunday.

“I think I did pretty good at hiding my back-to-school and sending-my-baby-to-Pre-K anxiety from the children. I was all hearts and flowers and “It will be SO MUCH FUN! Aren’t you EXCITED?!” But inside I was like “Waaaaa! My babies.””

This year I have a kindergartener, a sixth grader, and a junior.  Oh. My. God.

“I’m not alone in this.  My husband has called me three times this morning, the last time to ask if he “should just go take a peek and see how she’s doing.”  No.  That’s frowned upon.  I know my limits, so I’m just staying away from that school. If any of the three kids even wrinkled a nose at me, I’d have ‘em packed in the car and the homeschool books ordered.”

My husband is generally very calm and he is still calm today, but he is very worried about the bus situation. The bus situation consists of our kids riding the bus. Shut up, it’s a situation.

“I see the pros of school.  Interacting with peers, learning to follow rules, getting along with others, learning how to deal with assholes – these are all things children need to know.  But not every kid is a yellow #2 pencil.  I don’t want my purple-striped, glitter-covered, shiny-polka-dotted, maybe-chewed-a-little-bit pencils sharpened down until they match all the others.”

This. *sigh*

 

22 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, small humans, thoughts

August 11, 2014

My Idiot Brother

By Steph

My little brother is only a year and a half younger than I am, so we were really close growing up. I used to be very bossy but my brother was always extremely mellow and did what I told him, so we got along great.

 

Notice we're all wearing fake mustaches before it was cool.

Notice we’re all wearing fake mustaches before it was cool.

My brother used to do weird shit like stand in my closet, still as a statue, just waiting to scare the living shit out of me. I would come in and do my thing and then catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. It never failed. I freaked out every.single.time.

Just like this.

Just like this.

When I was about 13 I was very surprised when my dad sat me down to have a talk about curiosity.

I was very embarrassed when I realized we were talking about sexual curiosity.

I could not understand what had brought this horrible situation on. As it turned out, my dad had found one of his special movies in my VCR. Yes. My little brother borrowed it and played it in MY room on MY VCR BECAUSE HE WAS A SNEAKY LITTLE SNEAK. Of course, my dad did not believe my protestations, so I got to sit through what is still the most uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had. With my DAD. Who thought I had STOLEN a PORNO.  Jesus. Just thinking about it is making me blush.

oh no you didnt

 

I didn’t kill him, although I wanted to.

The older we got, the wilder we got. My brother was always just a step ahead of me though. If I skipped school, he got caught for skipping school. If I got drunk, he got really drunk, danced on my car, head butted someone, and gave me a hundred dollars.

Someone's about to get headbutted.

Someone’s about to get headbutted.

Did I mention that we were a little wild?

 

One time my mom decided that his room needed cleaning while he wasn’t home. I took it upon myself to get everything out of there that I thought she might not like before she started cleaning.

I ran out of the house hauling a giant garbage bag full of shit, in the dark, into the backyard. My intention was to throw the bag in the woods behind our house, where he could then rescue it or let it rot as he saw fit. Unfortunately for both of us, I ran smack into a deer carcass that my dad had hung up earlier that day, totally unbeknownst to me. Straight into it, like I was trying to wear its dead body as a suit. I dropped my brother’s shit and ran as fast as I could back in the house. That’s what I got for trying to save him some grief.

 

mainedeerhunting.com

mainedeerhunting.com

Similar to this, only dead, skinned, and hanging spread eagle from a tree.

 

As we became adults and started settling down, I started depending on him a lot more. He was my best friend and anytime I was upset or sad (which was a lot) I would go visit him and some of his mellow-nothing-bothers-me-attitude would rub off on me for a while. I could always call him and he’d always be up to talk or hang out or go out or stay in or whatever. I can’t remember a single bit of advice my brother ever gave me, but I can name hundreds of times he’s made me feel better, just by being there. Now he’s grown up and moved away and become a father and a contributing member of society. I have no idea how that happened.

I’m proud of the little shit, but man, do I miss him.

 

29 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, thoughts

August 3, 2014

That Time My Kid Fell Out a Window

By Steph

When Thing 2 was about 4 years old I made the mistake of putting his bed beneath a window.

A friend of mine was visiting along with her daughter, and we had left the kids inside while we went to look at my flowers. There were two older kids in charge, and the windows were open so we’d hear any screaming. Seemed legit.

I had a bench in the garden that faced the house. We could see the kids playing through the window. We could hear them laughing and talking. We could see Thing 2 press his face against the screen. That’s when we both leapt up and yelled NO!

It was too late. Down he went, ass over teakettle. Luckily, the window was only about four feet off the ground and the ground was soft dirt covered in leaves. So he was more scared than hurt. So was his mother.

When I was about 20 I got hit head on by a little old lady without a driver’s license. It was a similar feeling of seeing in slow motion this horrible thing and being unable to stop it.

Raising kids I feel like that a lot. Not to that extent, but just a vague sort of constant worry. What if, what if, what if? Then they go and do some normal everyday thing and break bones doing it. If you are reading this, children, yes I am referring to breaking bones while walking and while swinging on the monkey bars. Neither of those things did I ever worry about. I also never imagined my child would throw himself out of a window.

We all know that worry is pointless and bad for our health. But it is so hard to stop. My mom worried about us kids all the time, I’m sure. But I bet she never worried that my brother would break his nose by running into a 2 x 4. So worrying really is pointless. Our kids are never going to catch leprosy or whatever weird shit we’re stressing over. They’re going to do something stupid and fall out a window.

Have you ever seen something about to happen and been unable to stop it? Do you worry as much as I do? Do your kids do stupid shit?

67 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, small humans, thoughts

July 28, 2014

The Mean Girl Experience

By Steph

We all know them. We’ve all been cut by some scathing remark. We’ve all heard women putting each other down; the slut-shaming, the jealousy, the snide comments, and the whispers. We are our own worst enemy.

It’s been my experience that men don’t judge each other as harshly, if at all.

Swimming in the hotel pool last night, my daughter had her first “Mean Girl Experience.”

Now, she’s only 5, so she didn’t really understand that she was being snubbed and she wasn’t upset. But it got me to thinking. Is the Mean Girl trait something we’re born with? Is it some kind of evolutionary left-over and we just can’t help it? Do we learn to be bitchy to one another, or is it innate?

The two little girls who were so rude to my daughter were only a little older than she is. It wasn’t a big deal; Thing 3 was being her usual gregarious self and there were eye rolls and conspiratorial looks and then the, “We GET it, OKAY?” and they swam away laughing. She was just confused, if anything, and soon found another playmate.

But I was thinking, if it had been two little boys and one of my boys, the situation would have played out differently. They probably wouldn’t have even introduced themselves; they would’ve just started playing, or they wouldn’t. There wouldn’t have been any scoffing, any eye rolling, any mean looks, or a hateful tone of voice.

Those two little girls, maybe 6 years old, snubbed my daughter openly and cruelly for no reason other than that they could. It breaks my heart that Thing 3 is going to have to learn to armor her tender little heart against such coldness. That she is going to learn to hesitate before walking up to a group of women. That she is going to second guess her clothing, her hair, her makeup, and herself, because of Mean Girls. I hope that she will keep the confidence she has and that she will not buckle or change for anyone, but being a woman myself…I know that some of that is inevitable.

I wonder why we demand respect so forthrightly from men, but fail to give it to each other?

59 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, thoughts