My little brother is only a year and a half younger than I am, so we were really close growing up. I used to be very bossy but my brother was always extremely mellow and did what I told him, so we got along great.
Notice we’re all wearing fake mustaches before it was cool.
My brother used to do weird shit like stand in my closet, still as a statue, just waiting to scare the living shit out of me. I would come in and do my thing and then catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. It never failed. I freaked out every.single.time.
Just like this.
When I was about 13 I was very surprised when my dad sat me down to have a talk about curiosity.
I was very embarrassed when I realized we were talking about sexual curiosity.
I could not understand what had brought this horrible situation on. As it turned out, my dad had found one of his special movies in my VCR. Yes. My little brother borrowed it and played it in MY room on MY VCR BECAUSE HE WAS A SNEAKY LITTLE SNEAK. Of course, my dad did not believe my protestations, so I got to sit through what is still the most uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had. With my DAD. Who thought I had STOLEN a PORNO. Jesus. Just thinking about it is making me blush.
I didn’t kill him, although I wanted to.
The older we got, the wilder we got. My brother was always just a step ahead of me though. If I skipped school, he got caught for skipping school. If I got drunk, he got really drunk, danced on my car, head butted someone, and gave me a hundred dollars.
Someone’s about to get headbutted.
Did I mention that we were a little wild?
One time my mom decided that his room needed cleaning while he wasn’t home. I took it upon myself to get everything out of there that I thought she might not like before she started cleaning.
I ran out of the house hauling a giant garbage bag full of shit, in the dark, into the backyard. My intention was to throw the bag in the woods behind our house, where he could then rescue it or let it rot as he saw fit. Unfortunately for both of us, I ran smack into a deer carcass that my dad had hung up earlier that day, totally unbeknownst to me. Straight into it, like I was trying to wear its dead body as a suit. I dropped my brother’s shit and ran as fast as I could back in the house. That’s what I got for trying to save him some grief.
mainedeerhunting.com
Similar to this, only dead, skinned, and hanging spread eagle from a tree.
As we became adults and started settling down, I started depending on him a lot more. He was my best friend and anytime I was upset or sad (which was a lot) I would go visit him and some of his mellow-nothing-bothers-me-attitude would rub off on me for a while. I could always call him and he’d always be up to talk or hang out or go out or stay in or whatever. I can’t remember a single bit of advice my brother ever gave me, but I can name hundreds of times he’s made me feel better, just by being there. Now he’s grown up and moved away and become a father and a contributing member of society. I have no idea how that happened.
I’m proud of the little shit, but man, do I miss him.
We Don't Chew Glass 
August 11th, 2014 at 7:58 am
What a lovely tribute to your brother! I always wanted a brother.
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:02 am
Haha! Right? I’m sure he’s going to love it.
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August 11th, 2014 at 11:14 am
I do love it!! Thanks sis! Thanks for the crazy eye, face smashed up pic too. I don’t know if I had gotten in a fight, but I won nevertheless.
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August 11th, 2014 at 11:30 am
Lol! I love that picture! That’s the look you get on your face when you’re bout to do something nuts. Haven’t seen it in a while!
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:10 am
Oh, my brother used to torture me and my three sisters to no end. He still knows how to get under my skin, but we love him and he’s gotten me out of one of the–no THE biggest jams in my life. Great post! Thanks for reminding me how awesome brothers can be!
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:10 am
Aw! You’re welcome. I love mine, even if he is a pain in the ass. 😉
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August 11th, 2014 at 12:00 pm
I’m always jealous of people who actually like their siblings. Me, I’d prefer my sister was hanging dead in a tree and the deer was still alive.
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August 11th, 2014 at 2:31 pm
Lol! I guess you and your sister don’t have a great relationship then. I’m sorry to hear that.
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August 11th, 2014 at 6:48 pm
Nope, not at all. I’m sure she’d be a great gal if she’d just accept that she’s bat shit crazy like me and go get some damn meds.
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August 11th, 2014 at 3:34 pm
That closet thing is so horrifying. My brother and I used to scare the shit out of each other too. Until I accidentally burst in on him pleasuring himself one day. Lesson learned.
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August 11th, 2014 at 5:25 pm
Um. I think walking in on that would be more horrifying than the closet thing! OMG.
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August 11th, 2014 at 5:49 pm
I wish I was close to my brother. He is 2 yrs older than me and delighted in teasing the living daylights out of me or just ignoring me. We were close for a while and then had a falling out and now we pretty much tolerate each other at family functions.
Enjoy the time you get to spend with him !!!
Me
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August 11th, 2014 at 7:17 pm
I will. 🙂
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:14 pm
awwwww. sweetheart! but seriously my family doesnt have one of those mellow peeps. we are all as high strung as that deer you tried to wear.
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:17 pm
You just made me spit coke on my computer. Thanks Jess.
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:25 pm
I love this, Steph, he sounds like a top bloke. Me and my little brother are the same age distance apart but apparently I wasn’t the kind of a big brother he wanted so he drew a line through my name in our early 20s so I always am a teensy bit envious of sibling relationships like yours. Well done.
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:29 pm
Thanks. It’s all his doing really. I’m hard to get along with, lol.
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:35 pm
Haa! Well, at least you’ve got your computer with you under all those cushions *hugs*
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:38 pm
Lol. Thanks.
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August 11th, 2014 at 8:54 pm
I can just imagine the feeling of horror that must have come over you when you realized you were being embraced by a dead deer. Nothing like unexpectedly wearing a deer carcass to ruin your night! Did anyone find the garbage bag after you dropped it? Also – how come did you get $100 when he head-butted someone. I would have totally been trying to set him up for fights all the time!
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August 11th, 2014 at 9:02 pm
It was bad. And I really don’t know. He was weird, like me, a little.
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August 13th, 2014 at 1:53 pm
Why do so many of my favorite bloggers have stories about running into deer carcases? Did I miss something as a child?
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August 13th, 2014 at 3:15 pm
Lol! I know The Bloggess ran into a bear or something, right? It’s a thing! It probably warped our brains.
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August 13th, 2014 at 8:41 pm
It was a deer too! Crazy!
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August 14th, 2014 at 7:34 am
It must be a southern thing.
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August 19th, 2014 at 9:43 am
Aw, this was really sweet actually. My brother and I are super close. We’re 27 months apart, and many of your stories made me reminisce (<holy shit, I spelled that word right the first time. that never happens) and laugh. My brother went to great lengths to scare the shit out of me. One time (this was using a jam box with a tape player) he recorded creepy devil-like voices, then set it up in the bathroom and pressed play (volume ALL the way up)….but here's the secret: he plugged it into an outlet that was hooked to the light switch. So I came home from drinking with my friends and went straight to the bathroom, switched on the light, and the devil yelled at me.
The weird thing is, I had to pee SO BAD when I went in there. After the scare of my life? IT WAS GONE. All the urine was gone. Like, disappeared from my body. Evaporated in terror.
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August 19th, 2014 at 3:48 pm
You have the wildest pee stories I’ve ever heard! I’m going to have to remember this in cases where I think I might wet myself.
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August 19th, 2014 at 8:13 pm
I guess I really do have many wild pee stories! Lol I don’t think I realized that until this week. Also, my bro called me out of the clear blue sky today! I asked if his ears were burning.
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August 20th, 2014 at 6:26 am
I will never forget the drawer.
I hope you and your brother are good. 🙂
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