Things are not going well here in the land of the lost.

I realize that I’ve been sick so much in the last few weeks that I’ve missed or thrown up my medication more than I’ve taken it so I’m basically free balling here and that doesn’t work well for me.

I keep trying to tell myself to just hang on until I’m back mostly on level and that Depression Lies and that my kids need their mom. But I keep asking myself what is the point to a life where you are always sick, either mentally or physically or both?

I’m so tired of being sick.

I’m so tired of being sad.

This is a pathetic post and I’m done with it.

Here’s some information about PTSD. The bolded parts are from WebMD.


Post-traumatic stress disorder can be crippling. Many people think that PTSD is limited to people who have been in war or lived through some horrific act of violence. Those people can and do suffer from PTSD, but they are not the only ones.

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 14. Twenty years ago. And I’m still dealing with it today.

From WebMD:

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) … is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event ….

…PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror…

…Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life.

Symptoms of PTSD often are grouped into three main categories, including:

Reliving: People with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma…

Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma…

Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being “jumpy” or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea, and diarrhea.


A problem I have with PTSD is that I feel guilty that it is still a problem. I feel like I should be “over it” by now and sometimes feel like my friends and family feel that way too. Feeling guilty for being sick doesn’t help, and in fact only adds to my anxiety and depression. I don’t know how to “fix” myself. I don’t know how to be better. I would not choose a life of pain and fear if I had the choice. I did not choose to have fibromyalgia, chronic debilitating migraines, chronic pain syndrome, or the Alpha-gal allergy anymore than I chose to have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. These are all things that I fight through every single day. And it is a fight. Right now, it’s a fight that I feel like I’m losing.

I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I come from under this black cloud. Eventually I will be in the sun and I will be proud that I made it through again.

If you are struggling too, tell me about it. I probably don’t have the words to help, but I can listen. If you are happy, tell me that too. It will help me see through this dark.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

55 responses to “PTSD

  • Michelle

    I adore you, sweetheart. And I get you. PTSD is horrible. As much as I read WebMD, you would have thought I’d know the three categories, but I did not. I am in the ‘increased arousal’ category. That sounds so much better than what it actually is. I call bullshit.

    I hope you come out on the other side, soon, sister. Big kisses and hugs and shots of tequila.

    • Steph

      Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that. I adore you too Michelle, and actually, thinking about you and some of my online friends got me through a really really bad day the other day.

      Here’s hoping. And actually, the tequila shots do help for awhile…but the 3 day hangover wasn’t so great, lol.

  • flippyzipflop

    I suffer from PTSD as well as a whole slew of disorders. I found the strength and the “light” once I realized what I was doing wrong. I was letting all of these disorders define me. I couldn’t go to the store because I have agoraphobia. Abusive ex lives right down the street? I’m staying inside all day every day. And the fact that members of my own family, whom I believed I was close to kept telling me “It’s all in your head. Just get over it.” As much as it hurt, I had to cut those family members out of my life. They were causing me to hurt more than they were helping. I miss them, but my life has never been better. I’m not my diagnoses. I am me. They’re an added bonus that give me the quirk that makes me unique. So I struggle with severe anxiety. Big deal? Sure it’s debilitating at times, but I’ve had it for so many years, that I find myself saying (in my head of course) “It’s not the end of the world. You KNOW the world is not going to stop spinning. Your mind is playing a cruel trick on you and you WILL get through it.”

    I have to go meet with a child psychiatrist today for my son. The current court order says that I have to keep my ex up to date on all his appointments. So, I did and ironically, he can make it. Awesome!! He’s severed all ties with my son, and does nothing but play head games with him. My son has no desire to ever speak to him again, and I have to go share a small office with him AND maintain my composure so I don’t look like the crazed lunatic they’ve made me out to be. My anxiety is through the roof, but I can’t take a Xanax because I have to drive. So, I’m going to crash and burn tonight, I know that.

    No part of this mental illness process is ever easy. I wish you could see the half hour break I took between this paragraph and the last, because I had to run to the bathroom. Yup… it sucks. But if you start making slow, positive changes, I promise, it does get easier. I wish you all the best!!


    • Steph

      Thank you Kate. I feel for you today. I’ve been in that same damned situation – the child psych office with the ex – I’m so sorry. Thanks for commenting. It helps knowing that someone else is fighting the same battle. I’ve been better before and I know I’ll be better again. *Hugs*

      • flippyzipflop

        Right back atcha!! Although, I printed out the intake form, and it says the doctor only wants to meet with those residing with my son. His “father” has no relationship with him whatsoever. So, I sent him a text saying he wasn’t to got to this appointment. I didn’t get a response, but I am praying he doesn’t show up. He’s just going to make a scene and embarrass himself as he doesn’t know MY son at ALL.

        It gets better. I promise it does. Just keep the faith. Your kids need you. Yes, you’re entitled to have moments of weakness and feel sorry for yourself, but don’t stay down there too long. Get back on your feet and keep doing what you’re doing. It’s the only way to get through this lifetime.

        Wishing you all the best.

  • Belladonna Took

    I read posts like yours and I feel so sad and hopeless, because I want to jump through my screen and ride the interwaves until I can pop out on your side and give you a big hug. (Sorry if that seems creepy. I Hug Sad People.) That not being an option, I’m responding just to say “I hear you”, even though I don’t have a single useful thing to say.

  • qwertygirl

    I’m so sorry. I think I’m just coming out of a dark spell (chronic depression), but I feel you–it’s never easy. The clouds clear, the sun will shine again, and you will be glad that it is. Sending strong thoughts!

  • Mental Mama

    When taking it one day at a time is too much, take it one hour at a time. And when a whole hour is too much, just breathe through the worst of it and know that you’ve got people who love you.

  • merbear74

    You know that I am going through a damned rough time myself. I also wonder what the point of it all is, being always sick and miserable. I feel like a broken, battered ragdoll most of the time. So, if it helps you at all, know that you do not suffer alone, Steph.

    • Steph

      It does help, although I hate knowing that you are suffering too. I think the depression/ptsd/anxiety part would be so much easier if we weren’t fighting our own bodies too. The physical pain makes it all worse.

  • thetattootourist

    Thinking of you and reaching out to tell you you are brave and kind for sharing and letting others know that they are not alone. You are not alone.

    • Steph

      Aw, thank you. Sometimes when I write these I delete them because I don’t feel brave, but then people like you say things like that and I am glad I shared. Thank you, friend.

  • J Rose

    I don’t know if I have depression or not. I know it is hard to get myself to do things that I once found fun, but I wonder if that isn’t situational depression from feeling like crap all the time, or a result of the anti-depressant I take to manage body pain or my birth control.
    I feel much better with my gallbladder gone (I even wrote a blarg post), but with my liver freak out, I stopped all the regular meds I was taking except two, and all of my autoimmune diseases are running rampant and my girl parts hurt and I am exhausted all the time, and all I want to do is take opiates all day long. But I am then forced to do things when I just want to lie in bed all day, which is almost what I do anyway, because sitting up hurts and standing is agony… but there are good things too… but most of it is overshadowed by pain. It doesn’t crush the happy but it sure pauses it sometimes.
    Also, I adore you.

    • Steph

      There you are! Dammit, I don’t know how I missed this. Let me read it.

      I’ve been feeling so bad for you with all your medical shit lately! Ugh. They tested my gallbladder and said it looked fine, so…I guess my esophagus is just fucked because of allergic reactions. I hate that you are hurting and sick too. Do you have psc? That’s the liver disease my mom has and it causes her so much liver pain. And autoimmune diseases are the worst – like we need our bodies to attack themselves. I don’t know if you are depressed either, but I’d definitely say you have reason to be. I adore you too Jodee and I’m SO SORRY I MISSED YOUR COMMENT. Stupid wordpress. I hope we both feel better soon. And if not, we can bitch about it together.

  • tattoogirl

    I suffer from depression and PTSD. I went through a horrible, humiliating experience which changed my life forever. I have a little girl who is about to come home from a mini vacation with her Dad and all I can think about is crawling back into bed–where I’ve been since she left on Sunday morning. I promised myself I will play with her, cook dinner and do whatever it takes to seem “normal” and happy around her. It’s gonna be hard. You’re not alone. xo

    • Steph

      You are not alone either, you sweet heart. I’m so sorry to hear that you have been down and I’m sending strength and hugs your way. Perhaps today we can both be strong for our babies. I’m going to try my hardest and I’ll be thinking of you.

  • Spoken Like A True Nut

    Depression and hypothyroidism for me, which every so often decide to team up in just the right way to make life extra EXTRA miserable, because they’re jerks.

    I grasp at every small victory, every tiny joy I can find and hold it close, and it helps me get through the hours.

    Wishing you strength and hope and a swift journey from under that black cloud back into the sun.

    • Steph

      Thank you. That’s a good idea, you know, to hold each joy close. I’m going to try to remember that. I already feel better now than I did this morning, just from the comments on here. I love you people!

  • Twindaddy

    I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty time recently. Hope things get back on track for you quickly.

  • Tempest Rose

    I’m sorry you are not feeling well. I feel bad even telling you this, but it seems my new meds and therapy are working because I’m finally feeling okay. So, I hope that gives you hope.

    • Steph

      That’s great! I’m so happy for you! Don’t ever feel bad for telling me such amazing news; I want to hear it! I’m on a waiting list for therapy, so I’m really hopeful that once I finally get in there, I will start making progress.

  • mumrevised

    Hang in there. You are needed, loved, worthy and important. This too shall pass. More virtual hugs.

    • Steph

      Thanks. Deep down, I know all those things. Sometimes it’s just hard to see it and it takes having someone reaffirm your lost belief in yourself – so thank you again. *hugs*

  • confessionsofawannabecowgirl

    I’m so sorry, Steph. I wish I knew what to say, but the only thing I really CAN say is that I think you are funny and smart and amazing, and I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope things will be better soon.

    • Steph

      Aw, thank you! I am funny, aren’t I? Kidding, I’m KIDDING! Agh. Anyway…I appreciate that. It will get better. It is already better than it was. And it will be even better than it is.

  • Liz

    Wish I could help. All I can say is hang in there. Why do our minds do this to us? It is not reality.

  • Jana

    Steph, in my case that just knowing that there are people out there who understand and support me is helpful. I hope it’s the same for you – because you do have people pulling for you. I’m not sure why life has to be so complicated and hard – and it IS exhausting having to deal with everything, day after day. But remind yourself that nothing is forever – the worst will pass, you will be able to tolerate things, and you will find joy in your life. And yes – your kids will ALWAYS need you! I’m sending you positive, loving thoughts!

    • Steph

      It is helpful Jana! Everyone’s comments made me feel ever so much better, and even one day of taking my meds right I can feel a difference. So I’m on the downhill side I guess. Thank God.

  • Jess Lewis of mass destruction

    I get vestibular migraines sometimes and it makes me nauseous. Before i can eat or take my pills i have to take a meclizine (used for travel sickness) they can come chewable which i find helps them work against the pukiness BEFORE i can throw them up . Then i can take my other pills. Works for me, may not work for you, might give er a try tho dear.

    • Steph

      Meclizine, huh? Is that over-the-counter or should I ask my doctor about it? Cause I take Phenergan for nausea, but half the time I throw it up too. I wish they could just give me a shot to take home with me like they use at the hospital; it’s a combination of stuff to knock me out. Would save time but I don’t think they’d go for it.

  • Kirsten

    Stumbled across your blog via your comment on Jenni Lawson’s blog (betcha can’t guess who has ADHD, lol). Just today, I took the day off work to go through intake to get an appointment with a psychiatrist for meds for my PTSD anxiety. *sigh* this PTSD ain’t no joke. Anymore, I can only handle talking with a handful of people that I know to be pretty calm communicators, thus not triggering me into freeze mode. Now I now full well, there are people that love me, yet their communication skills leave too much to be desired. They get wound up, get loud and I get the beans scared outta me. The freezing is humiliating, I have to go back days and weeks after a spell to set down my boundaries. So embarrassing, but I MUST do it or I fear I’ll never get free. I don’t bother hoping the fear will ever leave me, I just hope I can stay present long enough to say “hey! Chill out.”

    When I say be good to yourself, I say it from a place of not so much claiming to know where you’re at; but more so from a place of I’ve been fighting this battle for close to 40 years. (ok, that’s not entirely true. I was totally laying on the field and burrowing my head under ground for the first thirty years. Now I can say, with authority I know what doesn’t work) if you need to lay down, then make arrangements to get it done. If you need help with meds, find a way to ask. If you have to pass someone a note, then get to it. Pushing yourself beyond your limits, hurts us and that’s kinda all how we ended up with PTSD to begin with. None of this is intended to shame you so much as encourage you to recharge a bit and get out your survivor’s bag of tricks. With a clear mind, get in there and dig around and see what solutions you can find!

    Hope at least some of this makes some sense, I’m in serious need of a nap myself!

    • Steph

      Thanks Kirsten, I’m glad you came by and I hope I haven’t scared you off for good! I’m doing much better than when I wrote this, my meds are kicking in, and I have a therapist appointment coming up, so fingers and toes crossed! I hope your appointment goes well. ❤

  • Stephanie

    Hugs. I know what you are saying. Its so hard but it does get better and it is worth hanging in there .

  • Sarah (est. 1975)

    Sorry it took so long for me to comment, but I want you to know that I totally understand the guilt and shame about something you didn’t ask for and totally can’t control. I don’t remember if you read it but I wrote an article for BLUNTMoms all about the guilt and burden of being chronically ill. It’s in a lot of ways the worst symptom because there’s no treating it or even really alleviating it. And it shouldn’t even BE a symptom, but there it is. ❤ Feel better girl and know that I am here to listen.

  • Desire

    I don’t know what to say except, thanks for teaching me something!

  • aliceatwonderland

    I’m not sure that I have PTSD (unless you count my four year job with Satan’s mistress or, you know, the public school system) but I have depression and man is my anxiety also shooting full force. I haven’t read much of your blog but did you mention three kids? Crap, I have two of them and want to twist their precious little heads off half the time. Being a mom is hard enough. Add in multiple health problems (mine are asthma, GI issues, etc etc related to stress) and trying to keep a freaking job and . . . it’s a mess.

  • sage

    this is a long time ago for you, more recently for me 😖

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