Category Archives: shit my family says

November 3, 2014

Shit My Family Says To Me, Again

By Steph

Well, I survived another Halloween. In protest, I attended two fall festivals sans makeup and hair styling. I thought if anyone asked I would say I was dressed as a frazzled mother with too many festivals to attend, but no one asked. I did however get mistaken for a sorority sister. That makes me think that the girls who hosted the festival must be heavy partiers and are often seen about town looking next-morning-rough.

In other news, my family has come through for you guys yet again, by way of constantly harassing me and giving me grief.

I tried to tell my son that I was funny and he didn’t believe me.

Me: I have over 2000 followers on my blog.

Thing 2: Stop it. You do not.

Me: Yes. Yes I do. Because people think I’m funny.

Thing 2: The funniest thing you ever said to me is what you just said.

My husband and I were discussing handwriting analysis.

Me: According to my handwriting, I have about five different personalities.

Him: I think at least two of them don’t like me.

Me: *chortles* I have to write that down!

Him: I like how I gave you ample time to dispute that, but you didn’t.

Me: …cause I think you’re right.

Trying to convince my oldest son that I am the coolest mom he knows.

Me: I’m awesome and you know it!

Thing 1: Yeah, if by “awesome” you mean “hard to love.”

Pedi Egg

28 Comments   |  tags: , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans

September 18, 2014

Shit My Family Says, Part 5

By Steph

Things are getting back to normal here in my neck of the woods. By “normal”, I mean that the kids are wise cracking and the cat is showing her contempt for us all by shitting in the floor next to the litter box.  Life is good, if a bit smelly.

 

Thing 3: Momma, I love you and you make the best food ever.

Thing 1: Mom, I love you, but that’s a little extreme. Let’s not go overboard here.

*dying elephant sounds coming from bedroom at 9 pm*

Thing 2: What? I need to practice.

Me: *Facepalm* I’m so glad we bought that trombone. So, so glad.

Me:  Wow, I just spent 5o bucks at the drug store.

Thing 2:  There goes 50 dollars you could’ve spent on a video game.

He’s all up in my business trying to get me to cave on my No-Grand-Theft-Auto-Rule.  I don’t think he understood my laughter, but I just found it hilarious that he wanted me to spend my money on digital hookers and blow and I spent it on real drugs instead.

Thing 3:  Let’s pretend I have a pecker.

After I got done dying, I realized that the word she really wanted was “beak” because she was pretending to be a chicken, not a boy.

 

Peckers, beaks, whatever.

Peckers, beaks, whatever.

 

Does your family drive you crazy crack you up? What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard a kid say? Have you ever pretended to have a pecker? Don’t answer that last one.

39 Comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans

August 28, 2014

Because I Drive With My Ears, Apparently

By Steph

Godalmighty, am I exhausted. Thing 3 had a doctor’s appointment today far far away (about 70 miles) and of course things got a little hairy.

I was driving, which is not my strong suit (haven’t actually figured out what is), and she would.not.stop.talking.

Thing 3: So when I meet Katy Perry for the first time….

Me, thinking: The first time? The fuck. This kid.

Me: Sophie, can you please be quiet for a minute, Mommy is trying to drive.

Her: When I meet her I want to have a pen and paper so I can get her autograph and also…

Me: Sophia. I’m lost. Please just wait a minute.

Her: Katy Perry is my favorite singer and I HAVE TO HAVE A PEN!

Me: Child. Stop talking.

Her: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Her: *sniffles* You know you don’t have to use your ears to drive, right?

Me: ….

She wailed for like 10 minutes straight. I drove in circles, cursing under my breath. My GPS went from saying we were 11 minutes away to an hour and 34 minutes. It was tense.

It was actually nothing like this.

It was actually nothing like this.

She finally stopped crying and started right back up with Katy Perry this and Katy Damn Perry that and I just let her because I finally knew where I was. We made it to the appointment with time to spare. This worked out well because being the excellent parent we all know me to be, I put her in white shorts and then gave her Cheetos. So we had some time to try to remedy that disaster, but there was just no fixing it. She had orange hand prints all over her little self.

We also had time to talk about Mommy not being that good in traffic and how sometimes I just need quiet time so I can think, and she understood and it was sweet until she said that she was going to have to tell Daddy that I called another driver an idiot. Then she skipped away. I’m just glad I had the sense to say “idiot” instead of what I was thinking.

38 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans, total chaos

August 5, 2014

Shit My Family Says, Part 4

By Steph

IMG_3921They are nuts, but they’re my nuts.

 

Me: *referring to Thing 2* He’s like an accident waiting to happen.

Thing 1: Him? No, he’s an accident that already happened.

Thing 3: So can I live with you forever, even when I’m a grownup?

Me: Erm, yeah, I guess so.

Thing 3: Good. And even when I have kids?

Me: Sure.

Thing 3:  Okay. And can I make my babies here?

Me:…

Thing 3:  Why did you close your eyes?

Husband: Sorry for being a pain in the ass.

Me: It’s okay.

Him: You always say okay. You never say, “You’re not a pain.”

Me: Yeah. Cause it’s okay.

Thing 2, having a nosebleed: I don’t think it’s healthy for this much blood to be coming out of my face.

Me: I don’t think it’s healthy for any blood to be coming out of your face.

And here are some things I found written in my notebook, in my handwriting. Weird.

1. FFS, HCB, YRAFI

2. This shit is reasonable.

3. I know that this feeling of dread that is SMOTHERING me is completely unreasonable.

4. I appreciate that, sociopath.

5. Do you mean hard to love?

6. You don’t want sperm on your laptop.

What’s the silliest thing you’ve heard lately? Is your family as crazy as mine? Do you write yourself notes and then not remember what you were talking about?

 

50 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans, total chaos

July 23, 2014

Shark Tears and Other Lies

By Steph

Today I went back to the cardiologist, where I learned that my heart is fine (yay!) and doctors are still unfunny.

Thing 1, though, thinks that he is very funny because while we were having lunch he somehow convinced me that shark tears do not have salt in them.  I know.  I am so bad at math.  And geography.  And zoology.

shark tears

After we gorged ourselves and he mocked me about imaginary freshwater tears, we had a pretty enjoyable day with my Grandma.

Right up until this monsoon thing hit us at the grocery store.  Here were Thing 1 and I, struggling like Dorothy and Toto to hold the cart and unload it into the car, and my Grandma just kind of blows past us and into another store.  I think her shopping cart may have been pulling her at that point.  The wind was blowing so hard that there was grit in my eyes, my mouth, and even in my shoes.  A trashcan next to me blew away.  And here’s my Gram, just shopping her little heart out.  I guess if you’ve lived through a hurricane you don’t get flustered by much, but damn.

When we got home it was still pouring, so I hurried around the car to help her up the steps.  And busted my ass.  I mean, I went down so fast I don’t even know what happened but I do know it hurts like hell now.  That woman is more spry than I am and she’s damned near 80 years old.  I don’t even know what I was thinking.

Once we were at our house, I was trying to get everything put up, but as usual there were kids in my way.

Me:  Would you move please?

Thing2:  Why? Am I in your way?

Me:  YES!  I’d like to get this laundry put away before it melts.

Thing1: Hahahaha. You are insane.

 

And that reminds me of the other day.

Thing1: What do you even do around here?

I replied, “Oh, I just keep on keepin on.”

For some reason he requested that I stop talking after that.

 

Then he had the hiccups, so I, of course, said “bless you.”

T1:  Whaaa?!

me: *blank stare*

T1:  I think you just confused the hiccups out of me.

Husband:  Awesome.  We found your skill set.

 

And I can’t leave out Thing 3.  Last night she came running in from bible school, obviously excited.

Me:  What?  Did you have fun?? *smiling*

T3:  Did you know that DADDY had OTHER GIRLFRIENDS before you?????

Me:  And this is what they are teaching you at vacation bible school?

T3:  Lots of girlfriends.  *giggles*

 

Now I need to go because there is chewed up paper towel all over my bed and I don’t even know whether to blame a child or a pet.

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, shit my family says, small humans, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor