Because I Drive With My Ears, Apparently

Godalmighty, am I exhausted. Thing 3 had a doctor’s appointment today far far away (about 70 miles) and of course things got a little hairy.

I was driving, which is not my strong suit (haven’t actually figured out what is), and she would.not.stop.talking.

Thing 3: So when I meet Katy Perry for the first time….

Me, thinking: The first time? The fuck. This kid.

Me: Sophie, can you please be quiet for a minute, Mommy is trying to drive.

Her: When I meet her I want to have a pen and paper so I can get her autograph and also…

Me: Sophia. I’m lost. Please just wait a minute.

Her: Katy Perry is my favorite singer and I HAVE TO HAVE A PEN!

Me: Child. Stop talking.

Her: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Her: *sniffles* You know you don’t have to use your ears to drive, right?

Me: ….

She wailed for like 10 minutes straight. I drove in circles, cursing under my breath. My GPS went from saying we were 11 minutes away to an hour and 34 minutes. It was tense.

It was actually nothing like this.

It was actually nothing like this.

She finally stopped crying and started right back up with Katy Perry this and Katy Damn Perry that and I just let her because I finally knew where I was. We made it to the appointment with time to spare. This worked out well because being the excellent parent we all know me to be, I put her in white shorts and then gave her Cheetos. So we had some time to try to remedy that disaster, but there was just no fixing it. She had orange hand prints all over her little self.

We also had time to talk about Mommy not being that good in traffic and how sometimes I just need quiet time so I can think, and she understood and it was sweet until she said that she was going to have to tell Daddy that I called another driver an idiot. Then she skipped away. I’m just glad I had the sense to say “idiot” instead of what I was thinking.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

38 responses to “Because I Drive With My Ears, Apparently

  • Belladonna Took

    Your strong suit, my dear, is WRITING. Repeat after me: “I am an excellent writer.”

  • J Rose

    People totally use your ears to drive… don’t listen to a child who hasn’t even taken driver’s ed on the matter.
    When I was a senior in high school and finally had a license and car to drive, my rule for my friends was no speaking to me while I was driving, and no making sudden hand movements, and no white papers out in the front seat (I’m like a moth, anything white draws my attention), and no screaming. I went to school in Downtown Miami (FL), so I wasn’t playing. It was like driving with a grandmother, and that is totally fine because I never got in an accident.

    • Steph

      Right?! Kid’s five, she doesn’t even know. I could make a no talking rule all I want, but my kids would be quiet for maybe 2 seconds. None of them EVER stop talking. I got into a lot of accidents, just fender benders, but still. I’m a nervous wreck behind the wheel.

      • J Rose

        I’m so anal retentive when I drive. Again, having learned to drive in Miami, I obsessively get into the lane I need to be in the moment I know I will need to turn, because in Miami, if you don’t do that, you are not going where you want to go, because those mofos will not let you in, at all. Likely you will end up in some neighborhood where you will get killed and raped and then robbed.
        I get seriously bent out of shape if I am sent to drive somewhere unknown without having carefully studied a google map before I go. There is lots of screaming and heart racing and stuff. This is a pastime for my mother (asking me to take her places without knowing where she is actually going so I have a breakdown).

        • Steph

          I guess I don’t think ahead enough. I just assume I’ll be okay and then I’m like OH SHIT. I live in a really rural area and learned to drive here and I am so glad. I hate driving in big cities. Hate, hate, hate it.

  • Spoken Like A True Nut

    This is why the world needs “The Car Built for Homer” with the separate bubble dome for noisy children and the optional restraints and muzzles.

    All the same it’s pretty adorable that she’s planning to tattle on you for calling another driver an idiot.

  • Tempest Rose

    I’m pretty sure we all drive with our ears. I have to turn down the radio just to pull into my driveway.

  • Twindaddy

    “haven’t actually figured out what is”

    From what little I know of you, writing and being funny are two things you’re VERY good at.

    Also, it looks like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Jussayin’. 😉

  • tantie77

    I hate driving anxiety. Especially my newest version, which allows me to be somewhat chill (okay, not completely hyperventalatingly spastic, whatever) while I am driving as long as I avoid heavy traffic, darkness and weather and such. When I am a passenger though, God help everyone in the vehicle. Apparently, my trust issues have exploded to include people I trust with my life…unless they are driving apparently. And you should totally be all proud that you called a driver an idiot! If anyone says anything, you can be all, “Whatever, I didn’t run anyone over, scream expletives that would embarrass the most hardened Hell’s Angels member, run anyone off the road, or get a ticket or a criminal record. ‘Cause I have amazing self-restraint. And I’m awesome. You are welcome.’ Trust me, Be super proud of yourself. Like, you totally deserve ice cream or cookies or something!

    • Steph

      I *do* deserve ice cream! It could’ve been MUCH worse. I’m like that too about night driving and riding with other people. If we go on a long car trip I have to take anxiety meds or I will drive my husband crazy with my “Watch out!” and clinging to the dash.

  • Cassandra

    You’re a better woman than I. The curses just come flying out when other drivers do stupid things. My son is getting rich off his swear jar (although the sweetheart ended up donating last year’s haul to charity, so really, my swearing is a pro-social act).

  • Mental Mama

    Good thing she’s not in a car with me. I say shit about other drivers that would make a mob boss blush. And yes, quiet helps sometimes. Like when you’re lost, or the roads are bad, or when you’re trying to figure out the best place to hide the body…

  • thetattootourist

    You actually said “idiot” AND you remembered to bring a snack? You are mother of the fucking year in my book my dear. I have been known to lose my temper in tense traffic situations and use language that would make a seasoned sailor turn white and have to steady himself on the furniture. And I always forget to bring food for my kids.

  • Liz

    I’m right with you. I can barely walk and chew gum. I need utter silence to think sometimes. I’m impressed you only said “idiot.” Your daughter is adorable. If only they’d allow us to contemplate their little faces in silence. I have to wait till mine’s asleep.

  • Jana

    My daughter is 24 – and she still hasn’t shut up. But quite frankly, my 20-year-old son is the worst in the car. Everywhere else, he is super quiet, but in the car, he suddenly turns into a nervous Nelly and tries to tell me how to drive. All because I mistook a regular green light for a left turn green light and nearly got him killed on the way to Olive Garden when he was EIGHT. That boy has a memory like an elephant!

  • AmberLynn Pappas

    I feel ya! My 3 1/2 year old has this same problem with talking my ear off while I attempt to drive. Sometimes I will say, “Can Mama just have a moment?” He always responds with a yes, but then keeps talking. Now the little guy (15 months tomorrow) joins in with relentless “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy” but doesn’t actually want anything other than to be like his big brother.

  • Sarah (est. 1975)

    Ugh. I have this exact same conversation with my son EVERY DAY THAT IT SNOWS OR RAINS.

    “Ssh. Son. I need to concentrate.”
    “CAN WE LISTEN TO THE RADIO?”
    “Honey, seriously. It is very dangerous outside right now.”
    “I KNOW. PUT ON THE RADIO. AND NOT THAT ONE STATION THAT HAS THE OLD PEOPLE MUSIC. THE OTHER ONE.”
    “Honey, we are not listening to the radio ri-”
    “I DON’T HEAR THE RADIO, MOM.”
    *calls insane asylum, checks in*

    • Steph

      Right?! Bahahaha. At least they both like music. That’s good, right? And I think they have music therapy at those fancy rehab places. Do you think Aussa could get us a room together?

  • Michelle

    OMG I am right there with you. I kind of wanted to tell her to be quiet. When you’re lost..no noise…none.

    I am also laughing at you..but just a little.

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