Shit My Family Says, Part 4

They are nuts, but they’re my nuts.

Me: *referring to Thing 2* He’s like an accident waiting to happen.

Thing 1: Him? No, he’s an accident that already happened.

Thing 3: So can I live with you forever, even when I’m a grownup?

Me: Erm, yeah, I guess so.

Thing 3: Good. And even when I have kids?

Me: Sure.

Thing 3: Okay. And can I make my babies here?

Me:…

Thing 3: Why did you close your eyes?

Husband: Sorry for being a pain in the ass.

Me: It’s okay.

Him: You always say okay. You never say, “You’re not a pain.”

Me: Yeah. Cause it’s okay.

Thing 2, having a nosebleed: I don’t think it’s healthy for this much blood to be coming out of my face.

Me: I don’t think it’s healthy for any blood to be coming out of your face.

And here are some things I found written in my notebook, in my handwriting. Weird.

1. FFS, HCB, YRAFI

2. This shit is reasonable.

3. I know that this feeling of dread that is SMOTHERING me is completely unreasonable.

4. I appreciate that, sociopath.

5. Do you mean hard to love?

6. You don’t want sperm on your laptop.

What’s the silliest thing you’ve heard lately? Is your family as crazy as mine? Do you write yourself notes and then not remember what you were talking about?

Responses

Michelle

August 5, 2014

Well..it’s TRUE..you DON’T want sperm on your laptop

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  Right? But where the FUCK did that come from?
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
2. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  And better question, why did I write it down???
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. Belladonna Took
    
    August 5, 2014
    
    Because you’re smart enough to know a gal can’t remember everything.
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
    1. Steph
      
      August 6, 2014
      
      Or anything, in my case.
      
      LikeLike
      
      Reply
merbear74

August 5, 2014

FFS means for fucks sake. LOL

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  Yes! and the other one means You’re a fucking idiot, I think. But what is the middle one???
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. merbear74
    
    August 5, 2014
    
    Hell cat bitch?
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
    1. Steph
      
      August 5, 2014
      
      That’s as likely as anything, I guess.
      
      LikeLike
      
      Reply
      1. merbear74
        
        August 5, 2014
        
        It’s the best I could come up with.
        
        LikeLike
        
        Reply
        
        Steph
        
        August 5, 2014
        
        I can’t come up with anything, and I WROTE IT!
        
        LikeLike
        
        Reply
        
        merbear74
        
        August 5, 2014
        
        Don’t feel bad, I have a piece of paper that says “feeling small.” I never feel small!
        
        LikeLike
        
        Reply
  2. Tempest Rose
    
    August 5, 2014
    
    HCB may refer to:
    
    Hexachlorobenzene, a fungicide formerly used as a seed treatment
    Henri Cartier-Bresson, a French photographer considered to be the father of modern photojournalism
    HCB (classification), a Paralympic cycling classification
    Hampshire Cricket Board, the governing body for all recreational cricket in the historic county of Hampshire
    Hydrocarbonoclastic bacteria, a form of oil biodegrader
    Hackbridge railway station, a railway station at Hackbridge in South London
    Hamptons Collegiate Baseball, a summer baseball organization located in The Hamptons, New York
    
    hahaha
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
    1. Steph
      
      August 5, 2014
      
      Oh dear God. Lol.
      
      LikeLiked by 1 person
      
      Reply
  3. Tempest Rose
    
    August 5, 2014
    
    Holy Cow Balls
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
    1. Steph
      
      August 5, 2014
      
      THAT MIGHT BE IT!
      
      LikeLike
      
      Reply
  4. Belladonna Took
    
    August 5, 2014
    
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HCB
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
    1. Steph
      
      August 6, 2014
      
      HA! I doubt it. It’s some kind of curse, I know that much.
      
      LikeLike
      
      Reply
  5. Spoken Like A True Nut
    
    August 6, 2014
    
    Hire cabana boys. Even if it’s not what you meant, it’s still a pretty good idea.
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
    1. Steph
      
      August 6, 2014
      
      Hire cabana boys! Excellent.
      
      LikeLike
      
      Reply
Jessica

August 5, 2014

I think I love your kids. My five year old son is addicted to the word “literally”. I get to hear shit like “mom, my mario race car is literally green. LIterally, I mean it’s GREEN”.

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  I love it when they become attached to a new word. Thing 2 likes literally as well, but he uses it wrong and it drives me crazy. “Mom, I am literally about to die of hunger.” Noooo, you’re literally not!
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
Tempest Rose

August 5, 2014

Reading this is by far the best thing that’s happened to me today. And I’ve actually had a pretty good day. Jack keeps making fun of me for literally laughing out loud. He just doesn’t understand FFS HCB YRAFI.

LikeLike

Reply
1. Tempest Rose
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  And now I see the “literally” comment above mine and feel like a jackass.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. Steph
    
    August 5, 2014
    
    NOOOOOO! You can be literally laughing. You just can’t be literally dying, unless, you know, you are. Crap. I’m an idiot.
    
    LikeLiked by 1 person
    
    Reply
    1. Tempest Rose
      
      August 5, 2014
      
      Hahaha, it’s happening again! Now Jack’s started to mimic me.
      
      LikeLike
      
      Reply
2. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  Thanks so much. I sometimes wonder if these are only funny to me. So I’m glad to hear you are laughing!
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
ponymartini

August 5, 2014

Thing 1 is sassy with a capital S.

Also I once found a note to myself that read, “Preach.” I don’t remember ever wanting to become a pastor, so I am really not sure what was going on.

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  Preach it, Sister! Lol.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
REDdog

August 5, 2014

I think “You don’t want sperm on your laptop” is definitely post worthy…even if you make something up.

The Things are funny.

LikeLike

Reply
Jana Miller || One Design a Day

August 5, 2014

thanks needed that! lol

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  You are so welcome! Thanks for commenting!
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
Me

August 5, 2014

That is just what I needed to start my day !!!! (OK my day started a while ago but seeing as none of my bosses want to give me what I need to continue with month end accounts, my day hasn’t really started yet !!!) Sadly there is only A and myself in the house and so nothing really funny gets said – except when he makes some lame joke and I’m not about to share those with anyone !!!!
Please thank your children for making me laugh !
Have a wonderful day !
Me xox

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  Aw, thank you! You have a great day too!
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
mollytopia

August 5, 2014

Hahaha these are awesome! I have whole posts dedicated to my crazy conversations with Anna. The only families that aren’t crazy are the ones you don’t know well enough yet : )

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 5, 2014
  
  Yes! I knew it wasn’t just us!
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
msmonsterful

August 5, 2014

I swear our families are related somehow.

Also, this is me taking a stab at translation of your notebook:

“For fuck’s sake. Holy Crap, Bitch. You’re a fucking idiot.”

You’re on your own about the sperm.

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 6, 2014
  
  Hahahaha! That could be it! FFS and YRAFI I remember now that people have reminded me. HCB is still kind of a mystery – someone suggested Holy Cow Balls. I’m just not sure but definitely it starts with holy. And I do like Holy Crap, Bitch. lol.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. msmonsterful
    
    August 6, 2014
    
    I dunno. Holy Cow Balls has a nice ring. It’s completely against the laws of nature, too. I like that.
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
Twindaddy

August 6, 2014

Sperm on the laptop is definitely a no-no.

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 6, 2014
  
  Agreed.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
thetattootourist

August 6, 2014

So tempted to make this picture my screen saver but it would confuse my family…yep. Gonna do it

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 6, 2014
  
  Bahahaha! Too funny.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
Mental Mama

August 6, 2014

This might count… Last night I was mostly asleep (drugged) when Josh got home from school. I had acquired a container of the best krab salad for my lunch today. When I heard him come in I rolled over and said, “if you eat my krab salad mother fucker I will cut you.”

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 6, 2014
  
  HAHAHA! Yes, that counts.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. Mental Mama
    
    August 6, 2014
    
    Oh. Cool!
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply
Jana

August 6, 2014

No pressure, Steph, but I KNOW there has to be a great story behind the “You don’t want sperm on your laptop,” and I want to hear it! Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to contemplate “sperm on laptops” for 5-10 minutes before bed each night. Hopefully, you will dream about why you wrote that.

Now that I’M thinking of “sperm on laptops,” maybe I’LL have a dream about it! If so, I’ll share (I just had a dream last night where my soon-to-be ex-husband (who was inexplicably dressed in drag) was telling me that “Huge Hefner” had always had a thing for me. In my dream, I remember thinking, ‘Who the hell is HUGE Hefner? Some sort of PORN star? Why does a porn star have a thing for me? Should I be flattered?”)

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 6, 2014
  
  HAHAHA! Oh, Jana. Huge Hefner. I’ll try to remember to ponder that at night. Maybe I should write it down…this is like an endless loop of sperm on a laptop.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
AmberLynn Pappas

August 11, 2014

So, my husband would kill me if he knew I posted this anywhere, but….

Friday he had a vasectomy and on the way home, while still loopy from the Valium they gave him he says:
“I can still smell where they cauterized my balls. Can you smell them? Can you smell my balls?”

To which I replied, “No and did you just hear yourself?”

And was promptly followed by my 3 1/2 year old, “I can smell them. I can smell your balls.”

LOL! Happy Monday!

LikeLike

Reply
1. Steph
  
  August 11, 2014
  
  That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply