Category Archives: parenting

March 16, 2014

Life is Mean and My Cat is a Vampire. Apparently.

By Steph

Lately things have been yucky and stinky and vomity (this is my blog and I say vomity is a word) and snowy and for fuck’s sake I can’t take it anymore!

Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration.  The ‘can’t take it anymore part’ anyway, because really, my options are limited.

Let me fill you in.  So, of course there was the unfortunate gynecological incident.  Then we all got this terrible, no good stomach flu that almost killed us.  I’m exaggerating again.   No one was near death.  But it was gross.  Very, very disgusting.

Then we all got colds.  Bad ones.  With snot.  Lots of it.  Then we got the stomach virus AGAIN.

During these bouts of sickness I was, of course, having migraines because as you all know, my body hates me.

So, now we are finally, finally all feeling at least half-human and all the things I haven’t accomplished in the past month have grown into this gigantic pile of Things Stephanie Has Fucked Up and I’m really afraid it’s going to topple and bury me beneath it.

Now I’m going to leave you with a random sampling of Shit My Family Says to Me and hopefully I’ll be more coherent and less whiny next week.

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Thing 3:  The cat has a hole in her butt.  I just saw it.

Husband:  Uh…

Me:  Um…

Thing 3:  Don’t worry, I didn’t put anything in it.

grumpy cat no

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Thing 2:  (Loudly, at dinner with extended family) I don’t even know why we celebrate Easter.

Me:  *puts head in hands*  Oh.  Dear.  God.

*shocked silence*

Thing 2:  *Very quietly*  I mean, I know why it’s a holiday, Jesus and stuff, but I just don’t get the rabbit.

Who does, really?

Who does, really?

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Me:  Don’t be ridiculous, I’m awesome.

Thing 1:  Yes.  If by “awesome” you mean hard to love.

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Husband:  I’m not here to judge.

Me:  *reflects silently*  I think I am.

Husband:  Oh, I know.  I think you’re judging for the both of us.

Me:  Haha!  Right?  I’ll handle this, don’t worry.

Husband:  You should tell people that.  Say “I’m judging for two.” and rub your belly.  Then when they say, “Oh, are you expecting?” you can say, “Yeah, I’m expecting you to fuck up.”

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Thing 1 to Husband:  How did we wind up with this version?  We need an upgrade.

Me:  *Sputters*  What?! You’re think you can just trade me in for a new model?

Husband:  Mom two-point-whoa.

*Both nod.*

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Thing 3:  Mom!  Momma!  Leeloo is a vampire!

Me:  Leeloo is not a vampire.  Leeloo is a cat.

Thing 3:  Then why does she have pointy teeth and sneak around at night?

Me:  …

Thing 3:  *Triumphant*  Because she’s a vampire.

33 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

March 5, 2014

Don’t Eat That Off The Floor!

By Steph

Once upon a time in a land far away, my house was always clean and I was always bathed.

Every little thing was in its special place; sometimes I got frisky and even washed the drapes!

Then I had three children and got a full-time job; I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I’m a slob.

Clothes are piled everywhere, the dirty and the clean; Christ, half the time this place looks like a crime scene.

The kids are running wild and the cat just puked on the carpet; I’ve lost all my patience and am reduced to screaming “PARK IT!”

The trash is everywhere and always overflowing and this damned winter weather just won’t stop with all the snowing!

The dishwasher stopped washing and now it’s only leaking; I’m thinking this might be a good time to take up drinking.

I thought I told you not to eat that off the floor!  The five second rule DOES NOT apply here anymore.

 

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, stuff I made up, total chaos

February 6, 2014

I’m Pretty Sure Pinterest Wants Me Dead.

By Steph

I love Pinterest.  I’m not even going to estimate how much of my life I’ve wasted spent on pinning.  Just now, I was doing some research for this post, and I almost got sucked in.  Watch yourselves, people.  Pinterest is almost as dangerous as Twitter, or even Candy Crush.

pinterest.com

pinterest.com

I love the projects and ideas I’ve found there and I’ve made a ton of stuff successfully.  But I’ve come to realize that just because somebody pinned something, doesn’t mean it is a good idea. There’s a really funny website called Pinterest, You Are Drunk and there are all sorts of fails and just funny shit that I don’t know why anyone would ever make in the first place…

sadanduseless.com

sadanduseless.com

Slippers made of MAXI PADS??  Seriously?  Who does that? But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about craft ideas that seem totally legit…until you are on fire and you’ve used the fire extinguisher for a different project, so you’re just fucked.

pinterest.com

pinterest.com

Anyway, Pinterest does not always know best.  I hardly ever click through and go to the page where the pin originated and maybe that’s my problem, because then I could tell if it came from a reputable source, like Martha Stewart, or if it was just some criminal sharing bad ideas.

So, here’s one I tried.  The idea was to put plastic beads into a pie pan and bake until they melted, making a sun catcher.  Just my style – easy.  Only one problem.  I’m not sure plastic beads were made for the oven.  It was like I said, “Hey kids, let’s inhale a bunch of burnt plastic and see what happens.”  The smoke detector went off, we all had headaches, and none of us could take a breath without gagging.  And my damned sun catcher looked like this:

Not what I was going for.

Not what I was going for.

Another idea I got from Pinterest was to put coffee beans in a pretty bowl with a vanilla candle in the center, which sounded like it would smell ah-mazing.  Either I didn’t read the instructions (possible) or there weren’t any, cause this is what I got:

I put the fire out quickly, but those beans were burning.

I put the fire out quickly, but those beans were burning.

Then there was the Fairy Glitter Jar.  Supposedly, mixing a glow stick, glitter, and some other stuff I can’t remember, would produce this:

Nope. This is not what happened.

Nope. This is not what happened.

I ended up with a jar of what looked like unusually thick, speckled urine.  My Fairy Princess was not impressed.  Although my fairy glitter was not a success, I did try another glow stick experiment for a party my teenage son was having.  It was supposed to make glowing bubbles.  I don’t have a picture, because it was dark and THEY DIDN’T GLOW.  But here’s a picture similar to what my kid and his friends thought of it:

Yeah. Super impressed.

Yeah. Super impressed.

I’ve got a lot of other cool stuff I want to try, but my husband is really unreasonable and won’t let me have the tools I need.  I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.  I mean, how much damage could I possibly do with a blow torch?

24 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, total chaos

January 3, 2014

Half-Assed Holidays

By Steph

I feel like I should write about the holidays, but I don’t really want to.  So I’m going to half-ass it, and tell you a few things that happened, and then move on to the important stuff, like sleeping and chickens.

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1.  I may have inadvertently caused my ferret to have a nervous breakdown.  Ferrets sleep 18 or more hours a day.  I thought my ferret loved red things, because he’s always stealing anything red and hiding it.  So I got him a red toy for Christmas and hung it in his cage.

He didn’t sleep for 24 hours until he killed it.  Could not rest until the evil red intruder was destroyed.  When I finally noticed what was happening, he was hissing and twitching like a ferret on crack.  (Or how I would imagine that.  My ferret does not do crack, so I don’t really know.)

http://static3.wikia.net

Similar to this, only more crazy eyes.

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2.  I drank all my wine on Christmas Eve, which caused me to accidently insult my cousin.

Her:  You liked me when I was a kid.  (Meaning, you liked me, as opposed to my brothers.)

Me:  Whatever!  I like you now!   (Meaning, of course I like you!  Oh shit, that’s not what you meant.)

Her:  Wow.

Me:  Err.  Really!  I like you all the time.  Anyone thirsty?

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3.  I drank all my wine on Christmas Eve, which caused me to have no wine on Christmas Day.  To remedy this, I sent my husband to the store to get another three more bottles.  Don’t judge me, Christmas is hard.

When he went up to the register they said, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t sell alcohol on Jesus’ birthday.”  Oops.  My bad.  (Sorry, Jesus and embarrassed husband.)

www.distinctlykelownatours

No, Santa, not today.

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3.  Cracker Barrel poisoned me somehow and I had an allergic reaction in Wal-Mart, which made me really confused, and I told my daughter to either get the microwave or don’t, we gotta go.  She’s 4.  There was no microwave.  I’m pretty sure they thought I had found more wine.

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4.  I ate half a pound cake for breakfast one morning.  As I was on the last bite my daughter wanted some, and in what was not one of my finer moments, I told her it had butter in it.  Because she hates butter, and I didn’t want to share.  That was not a lie, because  I am 95% percent sure pound cake has butter in it.  Mom-Of-The-Fucking-Year.  That’s me.

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5.  New Year’s Eve.  I’m not going into that.  But I do want to quote my husband.  “Feel free to put some pants on and join us.”  Again, he said, “Feel free to put some pants on and join us.”  He’s just lucky I wasn’t feeling well, because that sounds like a challenge if I’ve ever heard one.

http://www.brooksbell.com

 

 

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos

December 28, 2013

Baby Girl

By Steph

She’s got this little round belly and this confidence that just goes on forever.  She sings at the top of her lungs and dances with complete abandon.  Watch me!  Look at this!  I made this song for you!  She is all that is beautiful and if you ask her if she is smart she will yell, “YES!” and then tell you all she knows, and some things she doesn’t.  She knows she is funny and isn’t afraid to tell a joke, and even if no one else gets it, she will be the one laughing the loudest.  If she wants a hug, she will just open her arms and know that arms will enfold her too.  She knows she is loved.  She knows she is precious.

She will always be beautiful to me.  But I want so much, so, so much for her to keep this ability to see the beauty in herself.  When she has lost her chubby baby belly, is that when she will start judging the way her body is shaped?  At what point does the world teach her to lower her voice, her eyes, her head?

I want to wrap her up in her innocent self-love so that it stays with her always, so that she never, ever wonders about her own worth.  I don’t want her to lose her golden-fine little girl hair only to gain her mother’s insecurities.

I can’t stop the world from affecting my child in ways that I will not always like.  But I can show her every day a woman who is not afraid to laugh, to love, to sing loudly, and to dance with abandon.  A woman who loves herself, as she is.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, thoughts