Author Archives: Steph

About Steph

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I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often.
March 20, 2014

News Flash: I’m An Idiot.

By Steph

I got nominated for the One Lovely Blog award and although it has taken me far longer than it should’ve, I’m finally getting around to following the rules.  (But it’s a No Strings Attached Award, so they aren’t really rules.)

one-lovely-blog-award2

The “rules” of this award are:

  1.  Thank the person who nominated you.
  2.  Share 7 things about yourself.
  3.  Nominate 15 bloggers.  (If someone does not accept awards, it still stands, even if you cannot fulfill the requirements because this is a no strings attached nomination; only fulfill the award if you have time and are inspired.)
  4.  Notify the nominees.
  5.  Put the logo of the award on your blog.

First, I would like to thank the Academy  inevertoldher for nominating me.   Over at thegirlz you will find some heart-wrenching and heart-warming pieces, all told in a very unique format.  Check them out.

Seven things about me:

  1. I have a terrible memory.  If I don’t write it down, it’s like it never happened.
  2. I absolutely love to color.
  3. I write something every day but only post about once a week.  Most of what I write is nonsense, but I guess you probably already knew that.
  4. If I had bunches of money to spend on myself I would buy books, plants, and markers.  Lots of them.
  5. Being a mom is the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done.
  6. I am married to a musician who is also an artist, has a job, is hilarious, and has a rocking beard.  Crazy, right?
  7. I make lists all the time, but I’m running out of ideas for this one.

Nominations:  *This was really hard.  I tried to pick blogs with not too many followers.  Of course, I love ALL the blogs I follow, but that’s way too many.

  1.  http://thehopefulherbalist.wordpress.com/
  2. http://vampiremaman.com/
  3. http://mymutedvoice.com/
  4. http://itsajennthing.wordpress.com/
  5. http://cursitivity.wordpress.com/
  6. http://karalamb.wordpress.com/
  7. http://leahwould.com/
  8. http://butthatsforanotherblog.wordpress.com/
  9. http://shecall.wordpress.com/
  10. http://stopmeifitoldyou.com/
  11. http://shedrivesavegetablecar.com/
  12. http://writerthereseoneill.com/
  13. http://www.cheeseblarg.com/
  14. http://itwentawry.wordpress.com/
  15. http://simtasia.wordpress.com/

Edited to add:  The lovely maurnas at http://cursitivity.wordpress.com/ and The Farmer’s Daughter at http://melmpf1973.wordpress.com/ both nominated me for the Liebster award.  Lots of love in the blogosphere lately!  Thank you, dears!

liebster1

27 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Blogging, Just Being Awesome, thoughts

March 16, 2014

Life is Mean and My Cat is a Vampire. Apparently.

By Steph

Lately things have been yucky and stinky and vomity (this is my blog and I say vomity is a word) and snowy and for fuck’s sake I can’t take it anymore!

Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration.  The ‘can’t take it anymore part’ anyway, because really, my options are limited.

Let me fill you in.  So, of course there was the unfortunate gynecological incident.  Then we all got this terrible, no good stomach flu that almost killed us.  I’m exaggerating again.   No one was near death.  But it was gross.  Very, very disgusting.

Then we all got colds.  Bad ones.  With snot.  Lots of it.  Then we got the stomach virus AGAIN.

During these bouts of sickness I was, of course, having migraines because as you all know, my body hates me.

So, now we are finally, finally all feeling at least half-human and all the things I haven’t accomplished in the past month have grown into this gigantic pile of Things Stephanie Has Fucked Up and I’m really afraid it’s going to topple and bury me beneath it.

Now I’m going to leave you with a random sampling of Shit My Family Says to Me and hopefully I’ll be more coherent and less whiny next week.

***********************************************************

Thing 3:  The cat has a hole in her butt.  I just saw it.

Husband:  Uh…

Me:  Um…

Thing 3:  Don’t worry, I didn’t put anything in it.

grumpy cat no

*************************************************************************

Thing 2:  (Loudly, at dinner with extended family) I don’t even know why we celebrate Easter.

Me:  *puts head in hands*  Oh.  Dear.  God.

*shocked silence*

Thing 2:  *Very quietly*  I mean, I know why it’s a holiday, Jesus and stuff, but I just don’t get the rabbit.

Who does, really?

Who does, really?

**********************************************************************

Me:  Don’t be ridiculous, I’m awesome.

Thing 1:  Yes.  If by “awesome” you mean hard to love.

************************************************************************

Husband:  I’m not here to judge.

Me:  *reflects silently*  I think I am.

Husband:  Oh, I know.  I think you’re judging for the both of us.

Me:  Haha!  Right?  I’ll handle this, don’t worry.

Husband:  You should tell people that.  Say “I’m judging for two.” and rub your belly.  Then when they say, “Oh, are you expecting?” you can say, “Yeah, I’m expecting you to fuck up.”

*******************************************************

Thing 1 to Husband:  How did we wind up with this version?  We need an upgrade.

Me:  *Sputters*  What?! You’re think you can just trade me in for a new model?

Husband:  Mom two-point-whoa.

*Both nod.*

***************************************************************

Thing 3:  Mom!  Momma!  Leeloo is a vampire!

Me:  Leeloo is not a vampire.  Leeloo is a cat.

Thing 3:  Then why does she have pointy teeth and sneak around at night?

Me:  …

Thing 3:  *Triumphant*  Because she’s a vampire.

33 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

March 5, 2014

Don’t Eat That Off The Floor!

By Steph

Once upon a time in a land far away, my house was always clean and I was always bathed.

Every little thing was in its special place; sometimes I got frisky and even washed the drapes!

Then I had three children and got a full-time job; I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I’m a slob.

Clothes are piled everywhere, the dirty and the clean; Christ, half the time this place looks like a crime scene.

The kids are running wild and the cat just puked on the carpet; I’ve lost all my patience and am reduced to screaming “PARK IT!”

The trash is everywhere and always overflowing and this damned winter weather just won’t stop with all the snowing!

The dishwasher stopped washing and now it’s only leaking; I’m thinking this might be a good time to take up drinking.

I thought I told you not to eat that off the floor!  The five second rule DOES NOT apply here anymore.

 

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, small humans, stuff I made up, total chaos

February 28, 2014

And This Is Why I’m A Cat Person

By Steph

I’ve been trying to come up with a delicate way to introduce this topic, but I have come to the conclusion that there just isn’t one.

So.

I once suffered attempted ear-rape by two large Doberman Pinschers.  Simultaneously.

There.  I said it.  My name is Stephanie and I am scared of large dogs, specifically ones who look like they might try to hump my face.

Like this, only two, and on my face.

Like this, only two, and on my face.

I got myself into this unfortunate situation by going to a party with a couple of girlfriends.  It was a friend-of-a-friend kind of thing, and I only knew about four people there.  So, since we all know how great I am at chatting up strangers, I had too many a few drinks.

At one point during the night we were all gathered in the living room.  I was sitting on the floor towards the front of the room, just minding my own business, when I felt a weight on my right shoulder.  I was turning my head to investigate when I felt pressure on my left shoulder.

That’s right.  Whichever way I turned, all I could see was furiously pumping Doberman crotch.

I couldn't see their faces, but I suspect they looked just like this.

I couldn’t see their faces, but I suspect they looked just like this.

I remember screaming and trying to scramble awkwardly away, but they were pretty heavy, and there was the added obstacle of trying desperately not to be touched by a dog penis.

I also remember a LOT of laughter.  You’re welcome, assholes.

The dogs’ owner finally got the beasts contained, but it was too late.  I was scarred for life.  To this day I try to keep away from large dogs, especially males.  Apparently, my animal magnetism is just out of this world.

Please, share your story of humiliation at the hands (ha) of man’s best friend.  Surely we’ve all been leg-humped a time or three.  What else have these furry, four-legged perverts been up to that I should watch out for?

36 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, random bullshit, total chaos

February 25, 2014

It Could Be Me.

By Steph

I do not know Merry.  But I do know, all too well, the damage fibromyalgia and depression can inflict on a life.  This could easily be me.   You can go here to read Merry’s story and donate if you can.

Steph

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in thoughts