I’ve been trying to come up with a delicate way to introduce this topic, but I have come to the conclusion that there just isn’t one.
So.
I once suffered attempted ear-rape by two large Doberman Pinschers. Simultaneously.
There. I said it. My name is Stephanie and I am scared of large dogs, specifically ones who look like they might try to hump my face.
Like this, only two, and on my face.
I got myself into this unfortunate situation by going to a party with a couple of girlfriends. It was a friend-of-a-friend kind of thing, and I only knew about four people there. So, since we all know how great I am at chatting up strangers, I had too many a few drinks.
At one point during the night we were all gathered in the living room. I was sitting on the floor towards the front of the room, just minding my own business, when I felt a weight on my right shoulder. I was turning my head to investigate when I felt pressure on my left shoulder.
That’s right. Whichever way I turned, all I could see was furiously pumping Doberman crotch.
I couldn’t see their faces, but I suspect they looked just like this.
I remember screaming and trying to scramble awkwardly away, but they were pretty heavy, and there was the added obstacle of trying desperately not to be touched by a dog penis.
I also remember a LOT of laughter. You’re welcome, assholes.
The dogs’ owner finally got the beasts contained, but it was too late. I was scarred for life. To this day I try to keep away from large dogs, especially males. Apparently, my animal magnetism is just out of this world.
Please, share your story of humiliation at the hands (ha) of man’s best friend. Surely we’ve all been leg-humped a time or three. What else have these furry, four-legged perverts been up to that I should watch out for?
We Don't Chew Glass 
February 28th, 2014 at 3:20 pm
Oh honey..that’s terrible. I can’t say I’ve had a similar experience..however, once I was at a house with a boy I liked and the person who lived there had a puppy who jumped up on my lamp and then peed all over me. He laughed hysterically.
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February 28th, 2014 at 3:39 pm
Ha! That’s…not very romantic, lol. We have two outside dogs (little ones, and female) and if you so much as look at them they get so excited that they pee everywhere.
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February 28th, 2014 at 4:13 pm
It wasn’t really something done to me, but my male dachshund that I had when I was growing up, pulled used sanitary napkins out of the bathroom garbage and brought them into the living room, in front of the boy I liked. I don’t think I ever saw that boy again. He may have even switched schools.
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February 28th, 2014 at 4:25 pm
OH NO! That is terrible! Now I’m *definitely* a cat person.
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February 28th, 2014 at 5:23 pm
ME TOO!!
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February 28th, 2014 at 5:01 pm
Wow. And I thought Tim and Jennifer were bizarre…
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February 28th, 2014 at 5:13 pm
Oh, they were! They definitely were.
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February 28th, 2014 at 5:18 pm
Bahahahahaha.
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February 28th, 2014 at 7:59 pm
One day I’ll run out of embarrassing stories. Maybe.
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February 28th, 2014 at 8:19 pm
Please don’t.
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February 28th, 2014 at 6:48 pm
On behalf of the Doberman peeps, I apologize LOL
I have a large, intact male doberman who thankfully has never attempted to ear rape me.
I have been humped by a beagle, and a shepherd x pointer mix though when I was a child; as well as had my leg humped by quite a few small scruffy dogs.
Cats are just as funky though. One of my current kittehs (neutered male) quite enjoys raping my childrens stuffed animals. I wash one load of stuffed animals in the washing machine per week thanks to his R rated behaviour lol.
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February 28th, 2014 at 8:11 pm
Apology accepted! (But I won’t be dog-sitting anytime soon.) I guess I can only speak for my cat, and she’s very ladylike, lol. I’m trying to talk my husband into a kitten. Hopefully it won’t have a stuffed animal fetish. I just remembered we had a puppy once when my son was little and he was like, “Oh, he’s hugging me!” and I was like, “Um, yeah, we don’t like those kind of hugs.”
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February 28th, 2014 at 10:32 pm
I have a cra cra Border Collie. Dogs are amazing and challenging creatures.
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March 1st, 2014 at 6:13 am
Truth. We had a Chow when I was growing up and that dog was the sweetest, best dog ever. It’s crazy how animals all have different personalities, just like we do. I wish we could know what was going on in their heads…like what on earth did those Doberman’s hope to accomplish? Why does my cat run through the house and slide into things? Why does my ferret only steal red things? So weird.
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March 2nd, 2014 at 2:41 pm
OMG, after that I wouldn’t like dogs either.
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March 2nd, 2014 at 6:18 pm
Right?! No, it’s not so much that I don’t like them, I just don’t trust them, lol. I’m leery of the big ones, especially if I don’t know them.
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March 2nd, 2014 at 8:16 pm
I once was delivering phone books in the projects and was bitten in the ass by a pit bull. I had successfully blocked out that trauma until just now…so thanks for that 🙂
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March 2nd, 2014 at 8:25 pm
HA! Sorry, sorry. That totally made me lol. You are SO welcome.
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March 3rd, 2014 at 9:56 am
Oh, dear gods, the day I reinstate a blog here, this is the first blog I read. Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU for making me literally guffaw and choke on coffee. You are loved.
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March 3rd, 2014 at 10:15 am
AW! I love you too. 😉
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March 3rd, 2014 at 4:21 pm
I can only tell my dog hump story because my friend doesn’t ‘do’ the internet(!). And her dog is now dead, so I can’t embarrass him. Maybe because I don’t think she really did dogs any more than she does the internet, or phones, for that matter, but her dog, a beagle named Sluggo, was totally starved for attention. And whenever I visited, I would pat his head, and he would immediately jump up and wrap his paws around my leg and start humping me with a furious passion. Linda swore he never ever did this to anyone else. I didn’t believe her. But I also didn’t believe that she got pregnant without having sex.
I want a free autographed copy of your book; this is my entry. I’m not expecting to win, because I never win anything but this is all true.
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March 3rd, 2014 at 4:37 pm
Oh dear! Sorry for you and Sluggo. As to Linda…immaculate conception, eh?
It may take a while on the free book. Because I haven’t written one yet. But you are totally entered when I do.
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March 4th, 2014 at 2:06 pm
My most horrible experience with the Animal Kingdom was with a cat in heat. So perhaps that’s part of the reason I’m a dog person. A 20 lb. cocker spaniel person, I should add!
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March 4th, 2014 at 3:07 pm
I’m scared to ask! I don’t mind the tiny dogs, although I have noticed that they tend to have bladder control issues.
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March 4th, 2014 at 3:10 pm
Lol! It’s called “submissive wetting”–it’s very common with cockers and happens when they get overly excited and want to demonstrate submission. So if a cocker spaniel pees when she sees you, it’s a compliment!
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March 4th, 2014 at 3:26 pm
Oh Lord! I’ll try to feel special next time my little furball pees on my feet.
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March 4th, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Exactly!
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March 5th, 2014 at 6:59 pm
Cat person – A lonely senior dog owner dies in his home with his golden retriever and is found 6 weeks later by police responding to smell coming from the home. The dog is found lying next to his owner, skinny, dehydrated and near death.
A senior women is found in a similar situation with her two cats, 3 weeks after her passing. The cats were found healthy. The cats had been feeding on her body, starting with her face.
A close friend who is a paramedic experienced both of these stories first hand in his first year as a fireman.
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March 5th, 2014 at 7:23 pm
Exactly! Cats are resourceful. And wait till you die to violate you. Thanks for coming by!
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March 6th, 2014 at 4:48 am
I can’t help but wonder, what if it wasn’t that dogs owner? My guess, it depends on the dog. Cat’s on the other hand are a bit self-centered.
No prob Steph. Nice blog spot. I’ll check in again…
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March 5th, 2014 at 9:41 pm
Oh, bleeeeeh no. Of all things, this is the one that has NOT happened to me! And I hope it can stay that way…
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March 5th, 2014 at 9:52 pm
Me too, Aussa, me too.
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March 19th, 2014 at 11:00 am
Long ago, I cooked for a living in a steakhouse.
Dogs love me, and I feel your pain.
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March 19th, 2014 at 12:20 pm
Eek! I’m sorry to hear that. It’s traumatizing, I know.
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April 5th, 2014 at 2:40 am
That’s a legit reason to be a cat person if you ask me. I have 2 big boxers who are total jerks. One pees on people sometimes and tramples children for fun and the other bites people and kills cats. Yeah, jerks. But they’re really sweet when they’re not being assholes. (She said, like a victim of domestic abuse.)
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April 5th, 2014 at 8:19 am
LOL! Oh man, I needed to read this today. I just bought a new rug that I’ve been wanting for forever. Unfortunately, my cat thinks it belongs to her, to chew on and destroy. This morning she looked me straight in the eye and then proceeded to puke all over it.
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