Husband: Don’t go outside, there’s a big copperhead on the porch.
Me: I’ve got a big stick.
Him: No wonder the house is such a mess.
Me: ?
Him: That’s a broom.
So there was this giant snake on our porch, and by giant I mean a normal-sized snake, but it was venomous and it crept right up behind the husband. We are a little freaked out, especially since we don’t know where it is now.
Then this morning some shit happened and I ended up having to walk down the dirt road to get home, about a mile or so, and somehow I ended up with a pen in my hand. No idea.
Please disregard my hair.
But I was a little lot nervous about the snake and of course bears and coyotes and stuff so I was glad I had the pen. Because I’d just write them a polite note and ask them not to kill me, please. Or give them an autograph right in the eyeball. I don’t know. But it made me feel a bit better.
Now I’m home safe and sound and I’ve got the doors locked so the snake can’t get in. Because we all know how well that works.
We Don't Chew Glass 
August 20th, 2014 at 7:35 am
You look so adorable in that picture, though. It makes the copperhead almost worth it.
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August 20th, 2014 at 7:45 am
Ha! Yes, I’m so well put together in the mornings. And afternoons. Pretty much all the time.
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August 20th, 2014 at 7:52 am
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Although I don’t think that is true with snakes, bears and coyotes. And I’m glad we don’t have wildlife here that can kill me. I just have to watch out for teenage drivers.
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August 20th, 2014 at 7:59 am
Probably just as scary.
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August 22nd, 2014 at 2:34 pm
This always makes me think of this:
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/8806/SNL/
See 2:50
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August 25th, 2014 at 6:33 am
Lol! Penis Mightier!
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August 20th, 2014 at 7:55 am
Is this a the phone calls (hissing) are coming are coming from INSIDE the house scenario?
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August 20th, 2014 at 7:59 am
I certainly hope not.
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August 20th, 2014 at 8:08 am
WHAT IS UP WITH SNAKES? After my post about the babies in my house, I’ve read/heard so many stories about snakes lately. I guess they’re looking for a reprieve from the heat. I’m glad it didn’t come in your house. I’ve never had an encounter with a venomous snake. I would freak out more than a little.
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August 20th, 2014 at 8:20 am
I don’t know but I sure wish they’d stay out of my house – and yours.
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August 20th, 2014 at 8:44 am
Hahaha, well I for one know that if I was a coyote or bear or snake or something and you wrote me a polite note . . . I would probably still eat you. Sorry about that.
Also, I love how the pen looks super duper giant in that photo.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:17 am
Yeah…the note thing was probably not one of my best ideas.
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August 20th, 2014 at 8:47 am
You know, I have an acre and a half in Jefferson city and you would think I would see snakes more often. My husband keeps trying to run over a big black snake with the mower but missing and all I’ve seen are two tiny ring neck snakes (which are kinda pretty). I’ve got turtles and foxes and so many deer someone put up a frigging blind next to my path through the woods, but no copperheads. I’m not complaining, mind, but it is a bit weird.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:18 am
They are sneaky! Just be glad they aren’t IN YOUR HOUSE. That is true fear, I’m telling you. I have never been so afraid.
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August 20th, 2014 at 9:00 am
I’d run if I saw that pen coming towards me! Good choice.
It wouldn’t be the hair that scared me, the hair is fine.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:19 am
Lol. My photography skills are not what they should be.
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August 20th, 2014 at 9:03 am
I just encountered a really big bee here in suburbia, and I didn’t even have a pen handy to defend myself. Thanks for putting my experience into proper perspective.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:19 am
Lol! Bees are scary too. Best start carrying a pen EVERYWHERE.
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August 20th, 2014 at 9:17 am
No snakes. But writing the bears a note is a good idea. While they were distracted trying to figure out why you’d handed them a piece of paper with writing on it, you could escape. Who’s that wilderness guy? Bear Grylls? Dude needs to take some tips from sharp gals like you and me. I’m sure we could negotiate an agreement that was amenable to all.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:20 am
Oh, my husband loves that guy. Yeah, we could teach him a thing or two. *snorts*
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August 20th, 2014 at 11:18 am
You’re awesome. Snakes terrify me. We have rattlers outside my work. From now on, I’m going to start carrying a pen and locking the doors. 🙂
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:21 am
Lol! Thank you. I don’t know that you should follow in my insane footsteps though.
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August 20th, 2014 at 12:00 pm
I knew someone who wrote tiny notes to the ants that were wandering in long lines all over her kitchen. She asked them please to leave so that she wouldn’t have to put down poison. They did. True story.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:22 am
No way! How cool is that.
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August 21st, 2014 at 9:46 am
I thought she was joking at first, but she was dead serious and slightly horrified. She’d been fretting over those ants and not wanting to use poison for weeks. I have no idea where she got the idea from, but her house was ant-free when she told me…lol
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August 20th, 2014 at 12:47 pm
LOL, I was thinking…that’s an odd looking broom. Until I read that it was a PEN.
Ew, snakes. I have lived several places where there were rattlers, but not any more. Something about having to be *alert* when you’re walking around barefoot in your own back yard, just seems wrong, you know?
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:24 am
I didn’t realize until the comments how gigantic the pen looks!
You know, when I see snakes on the river or something, that’s one thing, but when they are on my porch or worse, in my house, it just kills me. I wore rubber boots IN MY HOUSE for about a week last year.
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August 20th, 2014 at 1:11 pm
Don’t lift the lid on the loo – they like to hide in there! 😉
Hope it has slithered away!
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:24 am
AHHHHH NOOOOOO! You are the second person to tell me that! How will I ever pee again??
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:25 am
Flush first? 😉
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August 20th, 2014 at 3:06 pm
I was very concerned about how you impaled your hand with a Bic pen, but then I kept reading and realized I always assume the worse.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:25 am
Lol. No physical injuries. Just my sanity, which wasn’t too great to begin with.
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August 20th, 2014 at 5:16 pm
You have to admire someone who, while running for their life, has the presence of mind to stop and take a selfie because…great blog fodder!
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:26 am
Right?! Because I totally have my priorities straight.
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August 20th, 2014 at 8:39 pm
I’m glad you explained that was a pen in your hand – I thought it was a rocket in your hair, and I was wondering how the hell THAT happened!
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:26 am
A rocket? OMG, I’m dying laughing. Clearly I need to take better photos.
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:45 am
On the photo, the pen looks giant. I bet a giant pen would make a good weapon against a snake!
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August 21st, 2014 at 6:56 am
I know! I need a giant pen, stat.
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August 21st, 2014 at 11:19 am
I love the fact that, even in this situation, your husband had the wherewithal to crack wise at you.
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August 21st, 2014 at 1:36 pm
His sense of humor is definitely intact. 🙂
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August 21st, 2014 at 11:25 am
I hate snakes. I would be scared to death to stay in the house and I’d be sleeping in the car. Or a hotel. Somewhere. I can’t help but laugh at the pic though. The pen looks enormous!
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August 21st, 2014 at 1:38 pm
Do you know, I didn’t see anything weird about that picture until I started getting comments on my giant pen?? So funny. And I totally hate snakes too. I’ve come close to giving up on this place, many times.
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August 21st, 2014 at 1:25 pm
This makes me feel like such a cooped up city girl…in a few months I’m moving to the middle of nowhere Alabama, and I’ve literally never had to deal with a snake in real life (with the exception of my dad’s pet snakes). My husband warned me that I have to be careful going for a morning job because of the wildlife :(.
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August 21st, 2014 at 1:43 pm
Never never? And you’re moving to Alabama! Nah,it’s not so bad. I mean, they mostly leave you alone if you leave them alone. Most houses DO NOT have snakes in them; I’m just lucky I guess. I’m sure you will be fine and you’ll love seeing all the deer and rabbits and other benign wildlife.
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August 21st, 2014 at 10:54 pm
Never ever! I mean, I’ve seen snakes on walks, but we really only have Garter Snakes. Nothing harmful. I’m less concerned about snakes as I am spiders though…
I am excited to see deer on a regular basis! And I’ll be living right around the corner from a waterfall 🙂 That part will be awesome!
I really hope that your snakes go away soon though…that’s just so unpleasant 😦
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August 22nd, 2014 at 6:18 am
A waterfall! That probably will make up for the spiders…maybe, lol.
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August 21st, 2014 at 4:09 pm
And then there was the day when I wondered why there was a shoelace in the middle of the living room floor. And then it moved. Yes, snake in the house story (which I’ve learned can be a great icebreaker at a cocktail party. Amazing how many folks have a similar story to share). I used the fireplace shovel to scoop it up (it was *most* uncooperative) and then fling it outside into the darkness. And then I locked the door and found the wine.
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August 21st, 2014 at 4:52 pm
Ugh! You are braver than I am. A fireplace shovel is not near enough distance between me and a snake. Cheers to you!
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August 22nd, 2014 at 2:35 pm
This damn thing keeps trying to get in my house:
http://www.herpsofnc.org/herps_of_NC/lizards/Ophven/Oph_ven.html
My mom chased after one with a fire poker when she was here in June. It was kind of funny to watch.
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August 25th, 2014 at 6:34 am
A legless lizard! Too weird. I’m with your mom on this one.
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August 24th, 2014 at 4:16 pm
More snakes, what the heck. I’m curious about this having to walk bit. I locked myself out of my house yesterday and decided to walk a couple miles to a cafe. Luckily someone recognized me trudging down the side of the road and stopped to rescue me. Like in the middle of traffic. I ran out there and got inside. I’m so sorry I just made this all about me.
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August 25th, 2014 at 6:36 am
You are such a super detective. And if I wasn’t a forgetful idiot there would’ve been questions at the bottom so you just really read my mind. Psychic detective hacker hooker ninja spy!
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August 28th, 2014 at 12:21 am
[…] Thanks to Steph at We Don’t Chew Glass for the snake story that triggered this memory! […]
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