Monthly Archives: March 2014

I Won’t Run From a Six-Year-Old. (Cause they are fast as hell.)

Confession time:  Little kids freak me out.

Not my own kids!  My kids are not freaky at all.  But scary kids, like in movies?  I can’t stand them.  I don’t know why, but a creepy little person is 100 times scarier to me than a zombie, a serial killer, a ghost, or even a snake.

It might be the whole can’t-defend-yourself-because-you-don’t-want-to-hurt-a-kid thing.  I’m not sure.  (Also, I could totally kick a kid’s ass if I had to.  Don’t test me.)

Anyway, it’s rainy and yucky outside and some little shits have been prank calling me all day.

I’ve tried to laugh it off.  Ha ha!  Little bastards.

Me:  Hello?

Them:  What do you call a scary dream about a horse?

Me:  *confused*  What?

Them:  A NIGHTMARE!  HAhahahaha, heehehehehe, hahahaha.  (Maniacal child laughter.  There had to be at least 10 of them.)

Me:  *still a bit confused*  WHAT??

Them:  *Click.*

Me:  *shakes head*  Ha, silly kids, just having fun, ha ha ha.

*staring at phone*  OH MY GOD THEY SAID NIGHTMARE. 

*still staring at phone*  Don’t be silly, just kids, ha-ha. 

 *looking for weapon*  ARE THE DOORS LOCKED?  OH, SHIT.  I hate kids.*

A little later…

*ring, ring*

Me:  H…hello?

THEM:  *In a freakishly terrifying and childish voice*  Can I sing you a song?

Me:  What?  No.  NO.  Who. Is. This?!

Them:  We just want to make your day!  Wanna hear a song?

Me:  *CLICK*

So there you have it.  I have barricaded us in the house and no one is allowed to answer the phone.  The only way this could get worse is if they called and asked if I was in the house alone.  WHICH I’M NOT.

And now I’ve scared myself.  Awesome.


News Flash: I’m An Idiot.

I got nominated for the One Lovely Blog award and although it has taken me far longer than it should’ve, I’m finally getting around to following the rules.  (But it’s a No Strings Attached Award, so they aren’t really rules.)

one-lovely-blog-award2

The “rules” of this award are:

  1.  Thank the person who nominated you.
  2.  Share 7 things about yourself.
  3.  Nominate 15 bloggers.  (If someone does not accept awards, it still stands, even if you cannot fulfill the requirements because this is a no strings attached nomination; only fulfill the award if you have time and are inspired.)
  4.  Notify the nominees.
  5.  Put the logo of the award on your blog.

First, I would like to thank the Academy  inevertoldher for nominating me.   Over at thegirlz you will find some heart-wrenching and heart-warming pieces, all told in a very unique format.  Check them out.

Seven things about me:

  1. I have a terrible memory.  If I don’t write it down, it’s like it never happened.
  2. I absolutely love to color.
  3. I write something every day but only post about once a week.  Most of what I write is nonsense, but I guess you probably already knew that.
  4. If I had bunches of money to spend on myself I would buy books, plants, and markers.  Lots of them.
  5. Being a mom is the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done.
  6. I am married to a musician who is also an artist, has a job, is hilarious, and has a rocking beard.  Crazy, right?
  7. I make lists all the time, but I’m running out of ideas for this one.

Nominations:  *This was really hard.  I tried to pick blogs with not too many followers.  Of course, I love ALL the blogs I follow, but that’s way too many.

  1.  http://thehopefulherbalist.wordpress.com/
  2. http://vampiremaman.com/
  3. http://mymutedvoice.com/
  4. http://itsajennthing.wordpress.com/
  5. http://cursitivity.wordpress.com/
  6. http://karalamb.wordpress.com/
  7. http://leahwould.com/
  8. http://butthatsforanotherblog.wordpress.com/
  9. http://shecall.wordpress.com/
  10. http://stopmeifitoldyou.com/
  11. http://shedrivesavegetablecar.com/
  12. http://writerthereseoneill.com/
  13. http://www.cheeseblarg.com/
  14. http://itwentawry.wordpress.com/
  15. http://simtasia.wordpress.com/

Edited to add:  The lovely maurnas at http://cursitivity.wordpress.com/ and The Farmer’s Daughter at http://melmpf1973.wordpress.com/ both nominated me for the Liebster award.  Lots of love in the blogosphere lately!  Thank you, dears!

liebster1


Life is Mean and My Cat is a Vampire. Apparently.

Lately things have been yucky and stinky and vomity (this is my blog and I say vomity is a word) and snowy and for fuck’s sake I can’t take it anymore!

Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration.  The ‘can’t take it anymore part’ anyway, because really, my options are limited.

Let me fill you in.  So, of course there was the unfortunate gynecological incident.  Then we all got this terrible, no good stomach flu that almost killed us.  I’m exaggerating again.   No one was near death.  But it was gross.  Very, very disgusting.

Then we all got colds.  Bad ones.  With snot.  Lots of it.  Then we got the stomach virus AGAIN.

During these bouts of sickness I was, of course, having migraines because as you all know, my body hates me.

So, now we are finally, finally all feeling at least half-human and all the things I haven’t accomplished in the past month have grown into this gigantic pile of Things Stephanie Has Fucked Up and I’m really afraid it’s going to topple and bury me beneath it.

Now I’m going to leave you with a random sampling of Shit My Family Says to Me and hopefully I’ll be more coherent and less whiny next week.

***********************************************************

Thing 3:  The cat has a hole in her butt.  I just saw it.

Husband:  Uh…

Me:  Um…

Thing 3:  Don’t worry, I didn’t put anything in it.

grumpy cat no

*************************************************************************

Thing 2:  (Loudly, at dinner with extended family) I don’t even know why we celebrate Easter.

Me:  *puts head in hands*  Oh.  Dear.  God.

*shocked silence*

Thing 2:  *Very quietly*  I mean, I know why it’s a holiday, Jesus and stuff, but I just don’t get the rabbit.

Who does, really?

Who does, really?

**********************************************************************

Me:  Don’t be ridiculous, I’m awesome.

Thing 1:  Yes.  If by “awesome” you mean hard to love.

************************************************************************

Husband:  I’m not here to judge.

Me:  *reflects silently*  I think I am.

Husband:  Oh, I know.  I think you’re judging for the both of us.

Me:  Haha!  Right?  I’ll handle this, don’t worry.

Husband:  You should tell people that.  Say “I’m judging for two.” and rub your belly.  Then when they say, “Oh, are you expecting?” you can say, “Yeah, I’m expecting you to fuck up.”

*******************************************************

Thing 1 to Husband:  How did we wind up with this version?  We need an upgrade.

Me:  *Sputters*  What?! You’re think you can just trade me in for a new model?

Husband:  Mom two-point-whoa.

*Both nod.*

***************************************************************

Thing 3:  Mom!  Momma!  Leeloo is a vampire!

Me:  Leeloo is not a vampire.  Leeloo is a cat.

Thing 3:  Then why does she have pointy teeth and sneak around at night?

Me:  …

Thing 3:  *Triumphant*  Because she’s a vampire.


Don’t Eat That Off The Floor!

Once upon a time in a land far away, my house was always clean and I was always bathed.

Every little thing was in its special place; sometimes I got frisky and even washed the drapes!

Then I had three children and got a full-time job; I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I’m a slob.

Clothes are piled everywhere, the dirty and the clean; Christ, half the time this place looks like a crime scene.

The kids are running wild and the cat just puked on the carpet; I’ve lost all my patience and am reduced to screaming “PARK IT!”

The trash is everywhere and always overflowing and this damned winter weather just won’t stop with all the snowing!

The dishwasher stopped washing and now it’s only leaking; I’m thinking this might be a good time to take up drinking.

I thought I told you not to eat that off the floor!  The five second rule DOES NOT apply here anymore.

 


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