Ode to that most frustrating creature, the teenager who would rather freeze his bits off than wear a goddamn coat.
Teenagers everywhere
Freezing off their derriers.
Wear a fucking coat
It’s wintertime you dolt.
They are impervious to the cold
Until they get so old
Hoodies are not jackets
I’ve tried every kind of racket.
They don’t even care
As long as they have good hair
They don’t give a shit
About being frost bit.
This mom is wearing layers
But her boys are being players
Put on a fucking coat!
You are not a fluffy mountain goat.
You are a boy who this mom loves
And she worries because you won’t wear gloves
So please for the love of God
Put a fucking jacket on.
We Don't Chew Glass 
November 19th, 2014 at 8:01 am
Amen to that.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:27 am
Word to your mother.
I’m sorry. I’m a terrible heathen.
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November 19th, 2014 at 8:09 am
HAHHAAH. I love this.
It could be about me, though. I put off wearing a coat until I’m in danger of hypothermia.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:28 am
MICHELLE! Stay warm. I love you.
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November 19th, 2014 at 8:12 am
I would LOVE to say this to all the little players running around campus still wearing shorts and hoodies. The high here today is only supposed to be in the 20s. I’m with you – layers, boots, 2 pair of gloves…
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:29 am
People are CRAZY! I hate being cold. Hate it. Can’t stand it. I’m a big baby wearing 14 layers every day.
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November 19th, 2014 at 8:28 am
This is awesome! I need to print this out and read it to my kids daily. Teen boy just lost his jacket at school and won’t wear another and teen girl will not let it wreck her “outfit.” It was 11 degrees here yesterday and they both left without coats or gloves. I watched the girl out the window and was waiting for her to jam her bare hands in her pockets and start shivering, but, nope, she was holding her phone and staring at it, as usual. At least Uggs are in.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:29 am
I just don’t understand. Do they not FEEL the cold?
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November 19th, 2014 at 8:29 am
Oh, well done. Twice in the last year I have helped out with my niece, who’s a freshman in high school, and picked her up from from school to find her wearing leggings, a sleeveless shirt, and NO COAT in sub-zero temperatures. Idiocy.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:31 am
Thanks! At least it’s not just mine. They are all nuts.
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November 19th, 2014 at 8:52 am
Ha! As long as they have good hair they don’t give a shit about being frost bit. Nice.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:31 am
Lol! Thank you.
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November 19th, 2014 at 9:06 am
This is almost every day at my house. Sigh…
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:32 am
I’ve given up. Now I just focus on the little one and if she’s wearing a coat I feel like I’ve won.
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November 19th, 2014 at 9:07 am
Ugh…..it was NEGATIVE degrees last week. I caught my 13 year old daughter walking to the bus stop in nothing but skinny jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. Dumbass, (yes, I have called my child a dumbass) it’s like -5, -20 with wind chill. Where is your coat and gloves????
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November 19th, 2014 at 9:10 am
But then you have my 11 year old son, who, when he found out it was negative 5, put on 3, yes THREE sweatshirts, 2 pairs of jeans and 3 pairs of socks. And is heavy coat. Child of mine, who do you think does the laundry here? hint, it’s NOT you. Take off 2 sweaters, one pair of jeans and 2 pairs of socks. You’re not building a snowman, you’re walking on the snow free side walk 1/4 mile to the bus stop. put on some long johns under those jeans, ZIP UP your freaking coat and you’ll be fine.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:35 am
You’re cracking me up. Dumbass! You’re not building a snowman! I’m going to start saying that. Dumbass! You’re not building a snowman! Still laughing.
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November 19th, 2014 at 9:13 am
I’m going to be laughing for the rest of the day… no, the rest of the month. And yes, I just might make my 15 year old read this. THANK YOU.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:35 am
I’m glad! Thanks lady.
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November 19th, 2014 at 9:14 am
Reblogged this on West Coast Review and commented:
Another brilliant post from We Don’t Chew Glass – about teens.
This post gets a five out of five stars from West Coast Review.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:37 am
Hey, thanks!
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November 19th, 2014 at 9:55 am
This is fabulous. I’m having this same conversation with my six year old when he gets off the bus. “Why is your coat not on?” “Yes. Yes, you do need it.” “JUST PUT IT ON.”
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:37 am
HA! Starting early then, you poor thing.
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:01 am
Is this the next in the “F***” series of kids books? I smell bestseller.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:38 am
I love it. Brilliant idea. We’ll say it was mine.
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:07 am
This is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Thank you for your verses of wisdom!
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:38 am
Thanks so much!
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:13 am
Fabulous! I love the line about not being a fluffy mountain goat. Mine often complains about feeling as cold as a penguin! And yes, he too thinks a hoodie is a coat. And all this from a child who lays a fleecy blanket on the sheet to lie on, then another fleecy blanket on top of himself, then a duvet!!! Oh, and he loves his fleecy pyjamas! And yes, it is often colder inside our house than outside. One of those blankets used to be mine…..
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:39 am
Thanks! Mine will sometimes sleep in a hoodie…but won’t wear a coat. Kids are CRAZY!
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:39 am
Outstanding. My 11 year old came home from school yesterday IN SHORTS. No, it’s not 25 or -5–our high yesterday got into the 40s–BUT OUR HIGH YESTERDAY GOT INTO THE FORTIES. PUT ON A PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS. Gah.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:41 am
The 60s is cold to me. But I get it. My kids wore shorts into November and it has been a COLD November.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:33 am
Ohmygoodness yes. A thousand times yes.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:41 am
Lol. That’s how many times this month I’ve asked them to wear a coat.
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November 19th, 2014 at 11:47 am
I used to be the same as a teenager. Now I need about 50 layers and my 3 year old doesn’t understand why.
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November 19th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
I used to be this kid. Have no idea why. Now I don’t care what I look like as long as I’m warm.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:18 am
Me either. Hence the blue onesie.
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November 19th, 2014 at 12:10 pm
My teenage sons both loved wearing t-shirts and thin hoodies on the most frigid January days. I got tired of hearing my voice saying, “Put on something warmer!” I finally gave up and somehow they survived into adulthood.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:18 am
I’ve given up too. I don’t understand it, but I’m done arguing with it.
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November 19th, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Hahaha! I remember being one of those kids who wouldn’t wear a coat! So ridiculous! Now I’m the mom who wears a long sleeve shirt covered with a hoodie and then the full set of winter coat, gloves, and hat if I have to venture out into the cold!
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:19 am
I don’t remember if I was like that or not. I’m really cold natured so I assume I was not. I start wearing layers in September.
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November 19th, 2014 at 4:19 pm
It was a chilly 40 this morning in Florida, brrrrrr. First time I actually had to wear long pants (outside of work) this year leery alone a jacket!
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:20 am
Florida! Oh, to be in Florida. I’m jealous.
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November 19th, 2014 at 5:22 pm
And they wear shorts. All winter long. Brrrrr
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:20 am
YES! My son just asked me yesterday (it was 30 degrees and windy) if he could wear shorts to school!
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November 19th, 2014 at 7:05 pm
Just so you know, a 19-year-old was found dead in an irrigation canal in the next city up the road this past weekend. She died of hypothermia. The temps were -15 degrees that night, something like that. It is very sad. She had also been drinking alcohol (illegally of course) but I’m sure a lack of proper clothing contributed… Really, this CAN be deadly! It frustrates me to no end with teenagers and their drama fashion sense in the winter.
I came by you via Juliette at West Coast Review, by the way. Take care. 🙂
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:22 am
That is heartbreaking.
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November 19th, 2014 at 10:13 pm
Hahaha I really could never understand this, even when I was a teenager myself.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:22 am
Right? It just doesn’t make sense.
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:23 am
I just read that and realized that teenagers don’t make sense, so I guess it *does* make sense.
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November 20th, 2014 at 1:14 am
Omg LMAO…I’m dying!
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:23 am
HA! Glad you liked it!
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November 20th, 2014 at 7:47 am
Seriously, you don’t look nearly so badass in your hoodie when you’re shaking like a schnauzer about to piddle on the carpet. And what’s with the flip flops in November? Gah!
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:24 am
Like a schnauzer! Hilarious. My husband still has his flip flops out and I’m like PUT THEM AWAY. IT’S WINTER.
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November 20th, 2014 at 2:25 pm
The opposite to this ode is the summertime habit of wearing like, I dunno, 8 freaking layers of clothing.
“Girl, why do you have on a bra, undershirt, long sleeve shirt, short sleeve shirt, AND a fucking leather jacket? This is Texas and it is Mt. Doom levels of hot out there.”
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November 21st, 2014 at 8:25 am
I know! My son will suddenly decide to dress up in a long sleeve shirt and sweater in 90 degree weather. Kids are just nuts.
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November 21st, 2014 at 10:50 am
I do believe I’ll forward this to my older son. Since he seems to listen to everybody else but me, maybe this would get him to put his jacket on. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a real coat since his dad let him get just a hoodie for the season. Sigh.
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December 5th, 2014 at 8:03 am
[…] is YES, Bring Your FUcking Jacket! from We Don’t Chew […]
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January 5th, 2015 at 8:40 pm
Yeah. I have one that did that. He grew up nonetheless and now that he’s pushing 30 he really digs coats.
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