We had to take Thing 3 to have another set of blessed ear tubes put in again to give her some relief from the blasted recurrent ear infections.  Since we live 10 miles outside of Timbuktu, we had quite a drive ahead of us and decided to throw in some family time and make the dreaded trip into a mini-vacay.

We figured the kid wouldn’t remember the tubes, but she might remember that Mommy and Daddy took her to the zoo.

Except we didn’t even make it to the zoo.  (Probably a good thing, since animals are all perverts.) (Or maybe I’m the pervert.  Either way.)

Here are a few things I learned on our way — our long, long way filled with constant chatter from one or all three kids.

1.  Thing 2’s rendition of the Rice Krispies commercial was a bit disconcerting, since he fucked it up horribly.

“What?” he says over our laughter. “It’s crack, smack, Snapple, and pop, right?”

Um….no.  Also, are you on drugs?

ricekrispies.com

2. Thing 3 is 5 years old and is turning into a smartass.  I believe she gets it from her father.

Thing 3:  *Rolls her eyes and sighs* What-EVER!

Thing 2:  Oh no, you’re turning into a woman!

Thing 3:  Your mom’s a woman.

So, my five-year-old is making “your mom” jokes, and I consider that a parenting win.  Even though technically I think I was just insulted.

3. When we finally reached our destination, we headed directly for the pool.  The kids and the husband swam while I found the cutest little patio area outside in the sun to smoke and read the paper.  I discovered that I love sitting quietly while my kids are entertained by something that is not me and is free swimming.

This Is How It’s Done.

4.  After the pool we had plans for the zoo, but as usual, my body betrayed me and we decided to rest and go to an arcade instead.  The kids had great fun blowing my money, and I found out that Thing 3 thinks I am “the best mommy she’s got” because I drive “TURBO fast” in the go-kart.  Hold your applause; we were the only ones on the track.

Getting ready to tear it up on some go-karts.

5. Then I learned that my gallbladder/heart/liver/something on my insides really does hate me and I almost had to go to the ER because I really know how to ruin have a good time.  I was up most of the night moaning in the bathtub because I felt like an invisible murderous asshole was stabbing me in the stomach.  Luckily for him he was invisible and possibly imaginary.

5.  I learned that I am able to drive a wheelchair about as well as a car, and by that I mean not well at all.  I ran into two people, a bed, a door, and a couple of walls before the wheelchair was confiscated.

6.  The term “ants in your pants” is very apt.  This actually happens and really does cause jiggling, jumping, and general insanity while you are being bitten.  On the ass.  In a parking lot.  I’m sure there is film somewhere of me frantically slapping my own ass and screaming bloody murder.

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7.  Ant bites are huge.  I have one for each cheek, so I should know.

8.  I can catch a child’s milkshake vomit in a Wal-Mart sack with a hole in it while driving down the road and not spill any. Yes, I’d like a medal.

9.  My oldest child is an angel and will make someone very lucky one day.  (I actually already knew this one.)  We got home and that kid ordered me to bed, brought me a fan and a washcloth, and helped get the other kids settled.  He’s also adorable and a genius, but calm down ladies, he’s only 15.

10.  If you go to the doctor and check every box that says, “nearly every day” on their little questionnaire and then burst into tears, they are much nicer to you than usual. Today I went to the doctor and had a total meltdown.  And that was before they did an EKG “just to rule out heart problems” and the bastard came back “abnormal.”  Of fucking course it did.  Have I mentioned that my body hates me?

11.  If you have plans for the weekend in spite of the fact that you know you should rest, your doctor will schedule an abundance of tests for Saturday, on just about every internal organ you have.  Then the following week can be spent at cardiologists, gastroenterologists, psychiatrists, and other places well known for fun and games.

12.  If you leave town for two days, your renters might take that as the perfect opportunity to leave town themselves, only they might take all their stuff and not leave any rent money.  Anyone interested in a two bedroom in Timbuktu?