Category Archives: your health is your wealth and this is why I’m poor

July 6, 2014

20 Ways to Ruin a Massage

By Steph

Things I thought about today while getting a massage or Why Stephanie Cannot Fucking Relax, Ever:

1.  I’m wearing my underwear.  I don’t even care, I’m not taking them off.

2.  Isn’t it a little weird to pay a stranger to rub on your naked body?

3.  It’s a little chilly in here.

4.  The electric bill is past due.  It was in my wallet and I forgot to drop it off.  Surely they don’t shut the power off on a Saturday?  The kids are gonna be pissed if there’s no electricity.

5.  I hope my phone is on silent.  I don’t want them calling me to complain about the power being out while I’m relaxing.

6.  That hurt a little bit.

7.  It smells funny in here.  Well, it’s kind of a good funny.

8.  Just breathe, Jesus, you’re supposed to be relaxed.

9.  How is it possible that I don’t remember how to breathe?  In through the nose, out through the mouth.

10.  I’m breathing so weird.

11.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m enjoying this massage too much.  God, this is weird.  Why am I paying a stranger to touch me without my clothes?

12.  In through the nose, out through the mouth.  I WILL NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK ON THIS TABLE.  In and out.

13.  Was that my stomach?  Where should I eat after this?  Please stop growling, stomach, you are embarrassing me!

14.  I just drooled.  I drooled on the floor like an imbecile.

15.  Is the hour almost over?  I’m done with this.  I can’t lay here much longer.

16. TURN OVER?

17.  Breathe, in and out.  You’re panting for chrissake.  She doesn’t know you have anxiety.  She just thinks you are a freak.

18.  I wonder if the kids are behaving.  I bet they are calling me right now and my phone’s on silent and the electricity is out and I bet they are hot and I just bought groceries!

19.  Surely the power company has the holiday weekend off.

20.  BREATHE, IDIOT!

Although I am a complete dork and about as awkward as it is possible to be, it was a good massage and the lady was very nice even though I was not acting like a normal human.

 

45 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

July 3, 2014

There’s No Mom of the Year Here

By Steph
crazyyetwise.wordpress.com

crazyyetwise.wordpress.com

I posted yesterday about Summertime Depression.  I didn’t particularly want to post it, but I feel like as a mom (or dad) these days we are always supposed to be “on.”

We are supposed to enroll our children in activities and then make sure we get them there.  We are supposed to make them study and play sports and play an instrument.  They should know which fork to use and how to give a speech or at least do a backflip.

Frankly, I’m pretty impressed with myself when my kids have clean clothes and I remember that they need haircuts.

Does that mean I’m a bad mom?  I don’t think so, but I’m no expert.  Right now I’m in a fog of depression and I can’t decide if my cat is really this big of an asshole or, if I was in better spirits would I not mind that my back is clawed up the way it hasn’t been since that one ever.

I think that my kids know that I love them, even on my worst days.  I know my kids have food to eat and clothes to wear and more gadgets and gizmos than I have myself.

Do we go to “activities” four times a week?  No.  Do I feel guilty about that?  Sometimes.  Sometimes I just think they have extra time to be kids.

I can’t, mentally or physically, be the PTA Super Mom.  I don’t like to play with Legos or Barbies.  I’m a terrible cook. (Also, I suck at juicing.)  But I will bake a cake on my kid’s birthday, and if I don’t have decorations I can make them, and if someone is sick or sad then I can stay up cleaning puke and rubbing backs for days.

I don’t know if I’m trying to justify my lackadaisical parenting to myself or to you or if I’m really trying to justify it at all.

I think I’m trying to explain that I posted my Mommy Depression post yesterday because I am SURE, positively, absolutely sure that there are other moms out there who feel the same way.  And I don’t know why it is so frowned upon to admit it.

Today I am not the best mom I can be.  I am better than I was yesterday.  Tomorrow I hope to be better than I am today.  But I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’m not “on” every minute of every day.  Being a mom (or dad) doesn’t magically imbue you with super powers.  I don’t have endless patience and sometimes I’m cranky.

Being a mom doesn’t take away the problems, mental or physical, that you had before, and sometimes it even awakens ones you didn’t know you had.

I think being a good mom (or dad) means just trying, every day.  Trying to love yourself and make sure your kids know that you love them.  I know that my kids know that they are my world, even on days when I’m sick or sad.  I know that my kids know that I will be there for them no matter what and they can talk to me.

I hope that I’m showing them by example how to be a decent person, even if I do struggle with depression and physical limitations.  I hope that I am showing them how to laugh and enjoy life, whether it is through or around the pain.

I’m trying.  Every day.

47 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, small humans, thoughts, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

July 2, 2014

Summertime Depression

By Steph

 

cropped-glass.pngIt’s easier to be depressed during the school year.

As I feel myself falling down this familiar hole with all three kids here, I’m scrambling. I’m scrambling to tell them I’m sick, (which I am) and I’m tired (which I am) and to get them to just play and leave me alone.  I just want to lay in my bed in silence and stare at the wall for about 12 hours.

No, I do not want to play outside.

No, I do not want to go swimming.

No, I am not going to color.

No, I will not help you paint.

I don’t want to play and I’m not going to play.  I’m not good today and I just need you to be quiet and play with your five hundred million toys without needing my constant supervision and cheering on.

Yes, my depression makes me irritable.  No, it doesn’t help that everything hurts because I’ve overdone it this week and the weather is being weird.  Yes, I feel terribly guilty about it.  No, I don’t want to help you find whatever it is you’ve lost.

We made cookies from scratch yesterday.  Last week we put up the kiddie pool and I watched you swim for hours.  Last night we snuggled and watched movies.  Today I am broken.

Today I need to not be anyone’s mommy.  Today I can’t even take care of myself.

Depression is not easy any time, but it is hell in the summertime.

 

36 Comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in parenting, thoughts, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

July 1, 2014

Juicing is Gross

By Steph

I’m sure by now you all know about my unique dietary restrictions and are probably tired of hearing about it.

Too damn bad.

I bought a juicer because I am gullible trying to be healthier.  Since I’m allergic to everything except vegetables and pie, you can probably guess what I’ve been eating a lot of.  I’ll give you a  hint: It ain’t vegetables.

So I saw all these things on Facebook talking about smoothies and how delicious they are and yum, yum!

I call bullshit.

I made my first smoothie and this is what happened:

 

Nasty.

Nasty.

Not very appetizing to me, and although a few people did see it and say “yum,” I think they were just fucking with me.

Here’s what I don’t get.  I can put some strawberries and some ice and like half a banana in there and it makes a not-vomit inducing 8 or 10 ounces of smoothie.  It’s not terrible, but it’s not terribly good either.  Why not just eat a couple strawberries and a banana?  It’s easier and it tastes better.

I think I’m missing something.  Are you people adding alcohol or ice cream or something else delicious that I don’t know about?  Is there a whole smoothie underground that I’m not a part of?

When I bought my juicer I bought kale and some other green stuff that I can’t even identify, almonds, steel cut oats, some other kind of grain that looks like you ought to feed it to a chicken, and wheat germ.  This shit is no good, I’m telling you.  Consider this a public service announcement.

Eat some broccoli and a damned salad and be done with it.  You mix all that shit up and it becomes a green sludge that would gag a … I don’t know, a picky eater I guess.

36 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, random bullshit, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

June 26, 2014

Tell Me Happies

By Steph

I’m so exhausted and I hope that’s why I feel like crying.

I’ve been sick for a couple of days.  So everything is a mess.

The new kitten has been peeing in the floor and chewing on my cords and trying to shit in my plants.  She’s also sneezing constantly and I think she’s got a cold, if that’s even possible.

My daughter’s hair is so tangled that I’m thinking at this point cutting it off would be maybe the best option.

I had to cancel my appointment for my gallbladder scan this morning because I was just too sick to go.  I’m hoping to make it to the cardiologist this afternoon.

I started writing a novel and I’m really excited about it.  It’s not the first one I’ve started, but hopefully will be the first one I finish.

I really need some good news.  Today would be an excellent day to get word on some of the pieces I’ve submitted lately.  Unless of course they are rejections, lol.  Then maybe wait a bit.

I just — I’m wrung out.  Exhausted mentally and physically and that’s after being in bed for two days.  I know a migraine is lurking, cause I always get one after I’m sick.

I’m going to try to list some positives here, then I need YOU to tell me some good news, okay?

1. I am not currently throwing up.  This is awesome.

2. I had that story idea which I am in love with.

3. We got a new kitten who is only half an asshole.

4. Leeloo (our other cat) doesn’t seem to hate me as much as she did when the new kitten first came home.

5. Since I cancelled my appointment this morning, I am drinking a cup of coffee and got to take my meds.

 

Your turn.

57 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in random bullshit, thoughts, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor