Things I thought about today while getting a massage or Why Stephanie Cannot Fucking Relax, Ever:
1. I’m wearing my underwear. I don’t even care, I’m not taking them off.
2. Isn’t it a little weird to pay a stranger to rub on your naked body?
3. It’s a little chilly in here.
4. The electric bill is past due. It was in my wallet and I forgot to drop it off. Surely they don’t shut the power off on a Saturday? The kids are gonna be pissed if there’s no electricity.
5. I hope my phone is on silent. I don’t want them calling me to complain about the power being out while I’m relaxing.
6. That hurt a little bit.
7. It smells funny in here. Well, it’s kind of a good funny.
8. Just breathe, Jesus, you’re supposed to be relaxed.
9. How is it possible that I don’t remember how to breathe? In through the nose, out through the mouth.
10. I’m breathing so weird.
11. I hope she doesn’t think I’m enjoying this massage too much. God, this is weird. Why am I paying a stranger to touch me without my clothes?
12. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I WILL NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK ON THIS TABLE. In and out.
13. Was that my stomach? Where should I eat after this? Please stop growling, stomach, you are embarrassing me!
14. I just drooled. I drooled on the floor like an imbecile.
15. Is the hour almost over? I’m done with this. I can’t lay here much longer.
16. TURN OVER?
17. Breathe, in and out. You’re panting for chrissake. She doesn’t know you have anxiety. She just thinks you are a freak.
18. I wonder if the kids are behaving. I bet they are calling me right now and my phone’s on silent and the electricity is out and I bet they are hot and I just bought groceries!
19. Surely the power company has the holiday weekend off.
20. BREATHE, IDIOT!
Although I am a complete dork and about as awkward as it is possible to be, it was a good massage and the lady was very nice even though I was not acting like a normal human.
Respond to this lunacy here.