Tag Archives: forgot how to breathe

20 Ways to Ruin a Massage

Things I thought about today while getting a massage or Why Stephanie Cannot Fucking Relax, Ever:

1.  I’m wearing my underwear.  I don’t even care, I’m not taking them off.

2.  Isn’t it a little weird to pay a stranger to rub on your naked body?

3.  It’s a little chilly in here.

4.  The electric bill is past due.  It was in my wallet and I forgot to drop it off.  Surely they don’t shut the power off on a Saturday?  The kids are gonna be pissed if there’s no electricity.

5.  I hope my phone is on silent.  I don’t want them calling me to complain about the power being out while I’m relaxing.

6.  That hurt a little bit.

7.  It smells funny in here.  Well, it’s kind of a good funny.

8.  Just breathe, Jesus, you’re supposed to be relaxed.

9.  How is it possible that I don’t remember how to breathe?  In through the nose, out through the mouth.

10.  I’m breathing so weird.

11.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m enjoying this massage too much.  God, this is weird.  Why am I paying a stranger to touch me without my clothes?

12.  In through the nose, out through the mouth.  I WILL NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK ON THIS TABLE.  In and out.

13.  Was that my stomach?  Where should I eat after this?  Please stop growling, stomach, you are embarrassing me!

14.  I just drooled.  I drooled on the floor like an imbecile.

15.  Is the hour almost over?  I’m done with this.  I can’t lay here much longer.


17.  Breathe, in and out.  You’re panting for chrissake.  She doesn’t know you have anxiety.  She just thinks you are a freak.

18.  I wonder if the kids are behaving.  I bet they are calling me right now and my phone’s on silent and the electricity is out and I bet they are hot and I just bought groceries!

19.  Surely the power company has the holiday weekend off.


Although I am a complete dork and about as awkward as it is possible to be, it was a good massage and the lady was very nice even though I was not acting like a normal human.


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