I’m sure by now you all know about my unique dietary restrictions and are probably tired of hearing about it.
Too damn bad.
I bought a juicer because I am
gullible trying to be healthier. Since I’m allergic to everything except vegetables and pie, you can probably guess what I’ve been eating a lot of. I’ll give you a hint: It ain’t vegetables.
So I saw all these things on Facebook talking about smoothies and how delicious they are and yum, yum!
I call bullshit.
I made my first smoothie and this is what happened:
Not very appetizing to me, and although a few people did see it and say “yum,” I think they were just fucking with me.
Here’s what I don’t get. I can put some strawberries and some ice and like half a banana in there and it makes a not-vomit inducing 8 or 10 ounces of smoothie. It’s not terrible, but it’s not terribly good either. Why not just eat a couple strawberries and a banana? It’s easier and it tastes better.
I think I’m missing something. Are you people adding alcohol or ice cream or something else delicious that I don’t know about? Is there a whole smoothie underground that I’m not a part of?
When I bought my juicer I bought kale and some other green stuff that I can’t even identify, almonds, steel cut oats, some other kind of grain that looks like you ought to feed it to a chicken, and wheat germ. This shit is no good, I’m telling you. Consider this a public service announcement.
Eat some broccoli and a damned salad and be done with it. You mix all that shit up and it becomes a green sludge that would gag a … I don’t know, a picky eater I guess.