Juicing is Gross

I’m sure by now you all know about my unique dietary restrictions and are probably tired of hearing about it.

Too damn bad.

I bought a juicer because I am gullible trying to be healthier.  Since I’m allergic to everything except vegetables and pie, you can probably guess what I’ve been eating a lot of.  I’ll give you a  hint: It ain’t vegetables.

So I saw all these things on Facebook talking about smoothies and how delicious they are and yum, yum!

I call bullshit.

I made my first smoothie and this is what happened:




Not very appetizing to me, and although a few people did see it and say “yum,” I think they were just fucking with me.

Here’s what I don’t get.  I can put some strawberries and some ice and like half a banana in there and it makes a not-vomit inducing 8 or 10 ounces of smoothie.  It’s not terrible, but it’s not terribly good either.  Why not just eat a couple strawberries and a banana?  It’s easier and it tastes better.

I think I’m missing something.  Are you people adding alcohol or ice cream or something else delicious that I don’t know about?  Is there a whole smoothie underground that I’m not a part of?

When I bought my juicer I bought kale and some other green stuff that I can’t even identify, almonds, steel cut oats, some other kind of grain that looks like you ought to feed it to a chicken, and wheat germ.  This shit is no good, I’m telling you.  Consider this a public service announcement.

Eat some broccoli and a damned salad and be done with it.  You mix all that shit up and it becomes a green sludge that would gag a … I don’t know, a picky eater I guess.

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph

36 responses to “Juicing is Gross

  • Cassandra

    Tried juicing (admittedly in a blender) and found that it was a pain in the neck and absolutely not worth the trouble.

    Probably not the kind of help you are looking for…

  • gluestickmum

    When I was a kid my mum had to have her jaw broken and re-wired. All of her meals, for what seemed like forever, were puréed (ie juiced). Not a single one wasn’t rank. I shall not be jumping on the juicing revolution. Surely there’s calorie-expenditure in chewing too? A bonus on top of not having ‘food’ that looks like vomit.

  • merbear74

    I’ve been making slushies with my juicer. Total fail…I would rather eat veggies than drink them. I plan on making milkshakes one of these days. Screw you McDonalds.

  • Michelle

    My son juices..my mother juices. It’s a pain in the ass. I tried it. I don’t like the clean up and it tastes like butt.

    • Steph

      I know, it is so much more messy than just eating the food. And it tastes like butt, lol. I almost forgot! I got your postcard today!!! Thank you!!!

  • Twindaddy

    If there’s alcohol involved I’m there.

  • The Hopeful Herbalist

    Tried it for about two minutes, take an hour to clean the juicer 😉

  • Sarah (est. 1975)

    I think a cat threw up in your blender.

  • Mental Mama

    Apparently shit is just better when you suck it. Ask men, they’re all about that. But for fuck sake, quit posting that picture of a glass of urp.

    • Steph

      Lol. I just get such a kick out of it though. People respond to that picture of vomit better than anything else I’ve ever posted — which, now that I think about it, is kind of insulting.

  • Rebekah Miller

    In my experience, it depends on the juicer and the juice combo. My former roommate made some surprisingly tasty carrot-apple-something juice concoction. Less gross juice combos are out there.

    • Steph

      I have a vague memory of someone making me a carrot-something-something drink years ago and it wasn’t bad…I guess I just need to figure out wth I’m doing!

  • heylookawriterfellow

    That photo of your first juicing effort made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    Just put a little lettuce on a burger and be done with it, willya?

  • AmberLynn Pappas

    Hahahaha! I’m sorry that your smoothie did not turn out…did you put it in a blender? Because I have a juicer too and it tells me that I need a blender for things like bananas and nuts etc…..not to put it through the juicer. We did a Kale Pineapple Juice once (added some apples too because it got a little tart) and then used the left over pulp to make muffins. They were a little strange with the kale in the muffin, but it was like extra special breakfast that you didn’t have to chew while you were drinking (ie how I find some of those smoothies to be).

  • Jana

    I bought a juicer at the first of the year and used it for a couple of weeks. Some of the juices were delicious — others (mainly the green ones) were horrible. If you added fruit (which is necessary to make it taste decent), then the carbs and calories went up. My juicer is now in my garage — only taken out when my grandbaby comes to visit, because she thinks it is cool to put fruit in there and have nummy juice come out.

  • maurnas

    Okay, I need to butt in here. I am INSANELY picky. And I live on smoothies. I have one almost every day. And I love juicing too.

    I have a masticating juicer and do wheatgrass shots. I also LOVE carrot apple juice. It is amazing.

    My favorite two smoothies are frozen bananas, frozen pineapple, and frozen berries mixed with orange juice (no ice).

    Or frozen bananas with kale (fresh or frozen) and apple juice (again, no ice).

    My main ingredient in my smoothies is bananas because it makes them creamier. I am a bit of a fanatic, but feel free to email me if you want any recommendations.

    I had a banana kale smoothie just now for dinner.

    • Steph

      Thanks! I’m trying it again. I started reading the book that came with it and realized that I’m supposed to grind my “boost” nuts and stuff to powder before I put them in. So that might help, lol.

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