Category Archives: small humans

August 5, 2014

Shit My Family Says, Part 4

By Steph

IMG_3921They are nuts, but they’re my nuts.

 

Me: *referring to Thing 2* He’s like an accident waiting to happen.

Thing 1: Him? No, he’s an accident that already happened.

Thing 3: So can I live with you forever, even when I’m a grownup?

Me: Erm, yeah, I guess so.

Thing 3: Good. And even when I have kids?

Me: Sure.

Thing 3:  Okay. And can I make my babies here?

Me:…

Thing 3:  Why did you close your eyes?

Husband: Sorry for being a pain in the ass.

Me: It’s okay.

Him: You always say okay. You never say, “You’re not a pain.”

Me: Yeah. Cause it’s okay.

Thing 2, having a nosebleed: I don’t think it’s healthy for this much blood to be coming out of my face.

Me: I don’t think it’s healthy for any blood to be coming out of your face.

And here are some things I found written in my notebook, in my handwriting. Weird.

1. FFS, HCB, YRAFI

2. This shit is reasonable.

3. I know that this feeling of dread that is SMOTHERING me is completely unreasonable.

4. I appreciate that, sociopath.

5. Do you mean hard to love?

6. You don’t want sperm on your laptop.

What’s the silliest thing you’ve heard lately? Is your family as crazy as mine? Do you write yourself notes and then not remember what you were talking about?

 

50 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, shit my family says, small humans, total chaos

August 3, 2014

That Time My Kid Fell Out a Window

By Steph

When Thing 2 was about 4 years old I made the mistake of putting his bed beneath a window.

A friend of mine was visiting along with her daughter, and we had left the kids inside while we went to look at my flowers. There were two older kids in charge, and the windows were open so we’d hear any screaming. Seemed legit.

I had a bench in the garden that faced the house. We could see the kids playing through the window. We could hear them laughing and talking. We could see Thing 2 press his face against the screen. That’s when we both leapt up and yelled NO!

It was too late. Down he went, ass over teakettle. Luckily, the window was only about four feet off the ground and the ground was soft dirt covered in leaves. So he was more scared than hurt. So was his mother.

When I was about 20 I got hit head on by a little old lady without a driver’s license. It was a similar feeling of seeing in slow motion this horrible thing and being unable to stop it.

Raising kids I feel like that a lot. Not to that extent, but just a vague sort of constant worry. What if, what if, what if? Then they go and do some normal everyday thing and break bones doing it. If you are reading this, children, yes I am referring to breaking bones while walking and while swinging on the monkey bars. Neither of those things did I ever worry about. I also never imagined my child would throw himself out of a window.

We all know that worry is pointless and bad for our health. But it is so hard to stop. My mom worried about us kids all the time, I’m sure. But I bet she never worried that my brother would break his nose by running into a 2 x 4. So worrying really is pointless. Our kids are never going to catch leprosy or whatever weird shit we’re stressing over. They’re going to do something stupid and fall out a window.

Have you ever seen something about to happen and been unable to stop it? Do you worry as much as I do? Do your kids do stupid shit?

67 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting, random bullshit, small humans, thoughts

July 28, 2014

The Mean Girl Experience

By Steph

We all know them. We’ve all been cut by some scathing remark. We’ve all heard women putting each other down; the slut-shaming, the jealousy, the snide comments, and the whispers. We are our own worst enemy.

It’s been my experience that men don’t judge each other as harshly, if at all.

Swimming in the hotel pool last night, my daughter had her first “Mean Girl Experience.”

Now, she’s only 5, so she didn’t really understand that she was being snubbed and she wasn’t upset. But it got me to thinking. Is the Mean Girl trait something we’re born with? Is it some kind of evolutionary left-over and we just can’t help it? Do we learn to be bitchy to one another, or is it innate?

The two little girls who were so rude to my daughter were only a little older than she is. It wasn’t a big deal; Thing 3 was being her usual gregarious self and there were eye rolls and conspiratorial looks and then the, “We GET it, OKAY?” and they swam away laughing. She was just confused, if anything, and soon found another playmate.

But I was thinking, if it had been two little boys and one of my boys, the situation would have played out differently. They probably wouldn’t have even introduced themselves; they would’ve just started playing, or they wouldn’t. There wouldn’t have been any scoffing, any eye rolling, any mean looks, or a hateful tone of voice.

Those two little girls, maybe 6 years old, snubbed my daughter openly and cruelly for no reason other than that they could. It breaks my heart that Thing 3 is going to have to learn to armor her tender little heart against such coldness. That she is going to learn to hesitate before walking up to a group of women. That she is going to second guess her clothing, her hair, her makeup, and herself, because of Mean Girls. I hope that she will keep the confidence she has and that she will not buckle or change for anyone, but being a woman myself…I know that some of that is inevitable.

I wonder why we demand respect so forthrightly from men, but fail to give it to each other?

59 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, thoughts

July 23, 2014

Shark Tears and Other Lies

By Steph

Today I went back to the cardiologist, where I learned that my heart is fine (yay!) and doctors are still unfunny.

Thing 1, though, thinks that he is very funny because while we were having lunch he somehow convinced me that shark tears do not have salt in them.  I know.  I am so bad at math.  And geography.  And zoology.

shark tears

After we gorged ourselves and he mocked me about imaginary freshwater tears, we had a pretty enjoyable day with my Grandma.

Right up until this monsoon thing hit us at the grocery store.  Here were Thing 1 and I, struggling like Dorothy and Toto to hold the cart and unload it into the car, and my Grandma just kind of blows past us and into another store.  I think her shopping cart may have been pulling her at that point.  The wind was blowing so hard that there was grit in my eyes, my mouth, and even in my shoes.  A trashcan next to me blew away.  And here’s my Gram, just shopping her little heart out.  I guess if you’ve lived through a hurricane you don’t get flustered by much, but damn.

When we got home it was still pouring, so I hurried around the car to help her up the steps.  And busted my ass.  I mean, I went down so fast I don’t even know what happened but I do know it hurts like hell now.  That woman is more spry than I am and she’s damned near 80 years old.  I don’t even know what I was thinking.

Once we were at our house, I was trying to get everything put up, but as usual there were kids in my way.

Me:  Would you move please?

Thing2:  Why? Am I in your way?

Me:  YES!  I’d like to get this laundry put away before it melts.

Thing1: Hahahaha. You are insane.

 

And that reminds me of the other day.

Thing1: What do you even do around here?

I replied, “Oh, I just keep on keepin on.”

For some reason he requested that I stop talking after that.

 

Then he had the hiccups, so I, of course, said “bless you.”

T1:  Whaaa?!

me: *blank stare*

T1:  I think you just confused the hiccups out of me.

Husband:  Awesome.  We found your skill set.

 

And I can’t leave out Thing 3.  Last night she came running in from bible school, obviously excited.

Me:  What?  Did you have fun?? *smiling*

T3:  Did you know that DADDY had OTHER GIRLFRIENDS before you?????

Me:  And this is what they are teaching you at vacation bible school?

T3:  Lots of girlfriends.  *giggles*

 

Now I need to go because there is chewed up paper towel all over my bed and I don’t even know whether to blame a child or a pet.

31 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in parenting, shit my family says, small humans, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

July 20, 2014

How Low Can You Go (Before Your Husband Hires a Maid)

By Steph

 

Pretty fucking low, it seems.

Before I had my third child I was somewhat anal took housecleaning very seriously. After Thing 3 was born and I went back to working fulltime, I realized that either I was going to have to lower my standards or I was going to go insane.

But I’m an overachiever, so I did both.

Somewhere along the line, I signed up for emails from The Organised Housewife.  Originally, I suppose I wanted to get these daily reminders to help me stay on top of shit.  Now I use them to make me laugh.  Like, ha-ha, motherfucker, no.

Everyday I get an email from them and they seem insanely helpful, if I cared anymore.  But I am so far past caring that sometimes when I read an email that says, “pick one cabinet and organize it” I just want to go and throw all the things all around until there isn’t even a cabinet.

Yes.  I believe I did mention that I’m also on the crazy train.

I’ve always been a list maker.  When my husband worked fulltime and I stayed at home with the kids, I would make lists so that he could see what all I’d accomplished that day and he would know that even though I was still in the same 3 day old pajamas he left me in, I HAD BEEN DOING STUFF.  Important stuff, like sanitizing the microwave.  I’m not even totally sure where my microwave is located at this moment.  My how things have changed.

Anyway, I still make lists, but instead of long lists of things I want to accomplish in a day, I make lists of things I’ve already done. Here are some sample lists from my ever-present notebook:

1. Get out of bed.

2. Write.

3. Eat.

4. Feed cats.

5. Read internet.

6. Maybe do some laundry. Just wash.

7. Maybe dry the laundry you might’ve washed.

8. Throw clean laundry in a pile.

Notice the list doesn’t say “feed children.” Because even I remember that without writing it down.  Because they constantly ask for food.  All day, every day.

Here’s one titled “Things I am Currently Not Fucking Up”

1. Taking me time.

2. Writing.

3. Kids.

4. Marriage.

another list, titled “Things I am Currently Fucking Up”

1. Everything else.

I’ve been doing really good at writing things on my list that are easy, so I can look at my list at the end of the day and know that I’ve been productive.  It’s really easy to be productive when you use this system.  Shit, I may as well start my own email reminder.

“Good morning, fellow lazy asses. Today’s chore is to add a banana to your ice cream. Yes, I said a goddamned banana split. We CAN DO THIS!”

Or

“Good morning, sweethearts. Today we’re all going to take a moment to remember how awesome we are.  This moment will last approximately 2 hours and is otherwise known as a nap. Enjoy.”

I could really get into this.  I’m like a damned guru.  I will teach you ALL THE THINGS!

So, are you a list-maker? Is your house spotless or spotty? Would you call yourself organized?  Does it bother you that organized is spelled with a Z and an S within this post? 

 

 

 

69 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Just Being Awesome, parenting, random bullshit, small humans, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor