Author Archives: Steph

About Steph

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I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often.
October 25, 2013

What? It still kind of seems like a good idea.

By Steph

Conversation with my husband about glue traps:

*It might be helpful to know that the glue trap in question here is stuck facedown on my porch with a dead snake presumably still stuck on the other side.  Long story.  Suffice to say, I don’t like snakes in the house, and I make questionable decisions when under pressure.

Me:  It’s rained so much, we might be able to get that glue trap up.  But there’s still a snake under there, so…

Him:  That thing is never coming up.  I suggest we just paint over it.

Me:  Hm. (Not thrilled.)

Him:  We could just staple glue traps up, sticky side out, all over the outside of the house.  Paper the house in glue traps.

Me:  OH MY GOD! That would be good for spiders, snakes, ZOMBIES…..

Him:  (laughing)  That was a joke.

Me:   ….bees, Jehovah’s Witnesses….this is brilliant.

Him:  We’re not doing that.  You know that, right?

Me:  Hm.  (Not making any promises, mister.)

Later…..

Me:  I decided that you are right.  We shouldn’t cover the outside of the house with glue.

Him:  Uh, yeah, I thought we already decided that.

Me: (closing the cabinet door so he can see the glue trap taped to the door, and the bowl stuck on it, hanging in the air.)  No, we didn’t decide anything, but I’m a reasonable person.  I’ve thought about it, and it’s a bad idea.  (bowl hanging next to my face.)

Him:  Reasonable!?  It’s not “reasonable” when you only agree with yourself!

Me:  Hm.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in nature hates me, total chaos

October 21, 2013

It’s a disinfectant kind of day.

By Steph

It’s not even noon and I’ve been covered in a small human’s urine twice already.

This is motherhood, people.  Think on it.

I’ve got to go clean up after my cat, who has apparently decided that her litter box may only be used one time before she has to go in the floor to teach me a lesson.

If Cleanliness is next to Godliness, then I am currently living in the Devil’s asshole.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, total chaos

October 20, 2013

I can give the bird left handed, so there.

By Steph

Oh Chronic Pain, you evil, sneaking, rotten bitch, how I loathe you.  My dinner sits uneaten because I can’t use my right hand.  What fresh hell is this?

It’s not enough that my bones hate me and plague me with random deep agonies Every. Single. Day?

It’s not enough that my skin burns for unknown reasons and requires me to put ice packs on my feet to fall asleep on those nights that I don’t have to immerse the bitches in boiling water to make my skin stop crawling?

It’s not enough that I lose at least a week out of every month lying in a darkened room, hoping someone will just shoot me or that my head will finally spontaneously combust?

Chronic Pain, you miserable slut, is it too much to ask for you to just pick one part of my body to torment?

*Please note that I realize there are worse things I could be saddled with, I am sincerely grateful for all that I have, and none of this shit I’ve got is going to kill me.  So everybody just calm the fuck down.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor

October 15, 2013

She got that class from her mother.

By Steph

So my daughter is 4.  She occasionally does stuff and I’m like, What The Fuck?  Where did that come from?

Because, although you couldn’t tell it by my blog, we’re actually pretty strict parents.  Anyway.

She’s started doing this thing where she wiggles her butt and sings “shake it, baby.”  It’s a little disconcerting.  I could not think where she might have seen this.

Then I turned on my cleaning music today, and started shaking it.  Yep.

I think knowing all the words to California Love at just four years old shows great memorization and lyrical skills.  Not to mention all the exercise she gets “shakin it.”

For anyone unfortunate enough to not be hip to the 90s rap, here you are, and you’re welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDZ961xhNEo

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October 15, 2013

Limit four.

By Steph

It turns out that the number of humans I am capable of keeping in some semblance of order is four.  That’s unfortunate, because after my three children and my husband, I make five.

This means that while my daughter went to school freshly bathed and brushed and wearing matching clothes, I worked in my pjs until about 15 minutes before I had to leave the house.

That was when I realized that although I had showered within the last week, I could not remember the last time I had attempted to brush my hair.  Which is long.  And thick.  And now partially in dreads.  Actually, that should be singular.  A dread.  I have one nappy snarled twisted mess right smack-ass in the middle of my hair.

My husband is now referring to me as Marley.  I’m not sure what the next step should be here, other than maybe hiding all his socks.  (Oh, wait, I already did that.  Ha.)

But seriously, I was under the impression that people cultivated dreadlocks, not that they just appeared if you maybe slacked off on personal hygiene for a few minutes months.

Clearly it is time for a new goal.   Actually, goals, while I’m at it.

1.  Stop eating so much damn pity pie.  Pity pie is NOT your friend.
2.  Brush your goddamn hair, you dirty hippie.
3.  Fuck it, that’s enough.  Those are pretty lofty goals; I’m worn out and a little hungry already.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in parenting, small humans, total chaos